Once upon a time, a little yellow single-celled organism was searching around for some food for his friends, the other little yellow single-celled organisms. He found a tree full of bananas, and it became the most holy food for them; only apples (or babbles, as they would pronounce them) came close afterwards, but the bananas stayed on top forever. They could continue to eat bananas without anyone noticing, until capitalism.
A bunch of Americans found out about the bananas, and decided to eat them as well. The organisms weren't too happy about that, but the Americans only wanted to sell bananas to them for ridiciously high prices. The organisms agreed on the deal, because they just couldn't live without bananas. The Americans founded a company called United Fruit Company, which would later be known as Chiquita Brands International.
After the deal, the little yellow single-celled organisms were living in peace again, even during both World Wars and the Cold War, but their rest was disturbed again in the 21st century when an American/French film crew decided to use them for a movie. The company, who named theirself Illumination Entertainment, had a big plan with them, and they even gave them a name that will always be recognized, the Minions!
Illumination Entertainment became a subsidiary of Universal Studios, a rich and famous American company. The film, called Despicable Me and released in 2010, became a hugh success, and the Minions became rich. A sequel would follow 3 years later, and that made them even richer. In 2015, the Minions will finally get their own movie, suprisingly called Minions, where they will finally be main characters. Despicable Me 3 is scheduled for 2017.
One of the Minions was a big fan of cycling, and decided to found a cycling team with the money he earned from the movies and the bananas. He, however, did not have enough money to it, neither did all the Minions together. They first asked Universal Studios to sponsor them. They decided to help, but they didn't offer enough money to fund the entire team. Then Chiquita came to rescue, and offered an amazing amount of money for the team, accompanied by a giant raise in the price of the bananas. Team Chiquita-Universal was born!
[url=pcmdaily.com/forum/viewthread.php?thread_id=38682]This is how the story continued:[/url]
Spoiler
The Minions began strong, designing jerseys, making goals and selecting races. Riders were signed, but they made one critical mistake. Instead of human currency, the riders were paid in bananas. This did not only effect their health, but it also resulted in some angry Minions who had to either go to rehab or switch to babbles. And things didn't get better when a film crew showed up to make a new movie about them, which is to premiere soon.
This slight controversy resulted in a big mess. Minions weren't motivated to watch races or write about it, riders weren't performing due to the lack of support from the Minions and organizers threatened to take our license away. Our season marked just four highlights, though that's more than none. The victory of Chad Haga in a TT in Algarve resulted in a mass celebration in our lab and a daily pilgrimage to Portugal. Carter Jones won the mountain jersey in the Tour de Beauce, but those 2 wins were all there would be last season. There were some minor celebrations when Jakob Rathe achieved our goal in a for Minions impronouncable race (Cigar City Brewing Twilight GP) and some decent performances in our home tour: the Tour of America.
It didn't look good for the Minions though. 24th out of 26 was definately a big bummer, though higher than most critics expected. It was a nail-biting offseason, but their but-jokes, banana-bribery and cute smiles managed to secure a new license for this season. We managed to keep both our main sponsors and secondary sponsors aboard (Chiquita, Universal, Illumination Entertainment and Gameloft). To keep the Minions happy, we decided to change our name to Chiquita - Universal powered by Minions, after we were already informally called Team Minions last season. We were given a new appearance as well, with a new jersey designed by renowned artist Bikex. Last season was trial-and-error, this season will be trial-and-succeeding!
The Minions aren't dead. The Minions are alive. The Minions are more fond of cycling than ever and extremely driven to perform this season, and of course gain more bananas. Or babbles. Or both.
Now, the Minions cycling team is in their third consecutive season in the lowest level of cycling. The Minions are losing hope, but is there a Minion who can stand up and lead them to promotion, finally?
Where did it go wrong last season? The start was promising, with our license renewed and Minions being added to the official team name. However, there was some controversy regarding the not very child-friendly abbreviation. We would like to maintain a good relationship with children, and therefore we rectified our error immediately. We also found out that Piamonte didn't like bananas. He was thrown out of the HQ immediately.
Transfers went better as the year before. The PR-Minion didn't mess up the validation process and got it right in one go. Some star riders were signed, such as Martinez and Kinney. Yet, there were also failures. Jones was loaned out to a even worse team where he couldn't progress. 500,000 bananas were invested in sprinter Tolleson, but his stack of top 10's were limited, if there were any. The old and decreasing Duggan was signed to provide experience, but can he be useful for another season? And in the closing stages we signed the overpriced Italian fighter Santambrogio. Our 200,000 bananas donation to Festina might have been the key to their ProTour victory.
Resultwise the season also went better. Our first season resulted in 1 stage victory, the second season that increased to 3! Kinney won a stage in Pologne, Haga the TT in the USA Pro Cycling Challenge and Montenegro won from a breakaway in our favourite race, the Tour of America. He and Haga also fought for the mountains competition, but where a few places away from victory. The race has given us some great memories, and we will certainly return this year. Martinez had some great stage race results, including a sixth place in the prestigious Vuelta a Tachira.
On the other hand, Tolleson couldn't impress in the sprints. At one point, Santambrogio managed to outdo him on a regular basis. The lack of points in sprinters races is the reason we couldn't compete for promotion positions. It will now be a Mexican standoff between Carlsberg, Lierse and us to decide who will be the last team to promote from the 2014 entrants.
We lost 16th place in the standings on the final race, yet 17th out of 26 is much better as our 24th place. If we can improve by the same margin this year, promotion will be within reach!
For the Minions themselves, 2015 was quite successful. The eponymous film was a box office hit, and grossed billions worldwide. The Minions now have some time of before they start working on their new movie, Despicable Me 3. Kevin the Minion was knighted by the Queen of England, and is now known as Sir Kevin. He will replace Dave as general manager, who has decided to move on and seek new challenges in the world of the yellow single-celled organisms.
In 2016, the team will revert to its 2014 name, but without the Team prefix. Due to new restrictions by the MGUCI, a character lenght was introduced, which made our team name too long for their administration. The team will officially be known as Chiquita - Universal, but as always the media will always associate us with the Minions, who will not leave the world of cycling in the near future! The team is now officially based in Guatemala, because the Minions want to be in a banana republic. This will mean an increased focus on Central America, but we will not forget the most important market on the earth, the United States of America!
However, we must be realistic. Some Minions are getting depressed. Promotion has to be achieved, otherwise who knows what will happen. Complete Minion breakdown? The apocalypse? It is up to Sir Kevin, team manager Stuart and the directeurs sportifs, including Bob, to find the most despicable master to... ehh sorry, that's the plot of the movie.
To get the team to the top of the world of cycling, that's it!
They say third time's the charm. Well, it certainly was the case for us. We are now allowed to add a P in front of our opening abbreviation because we promoted to the Pro Continental Tour in the MGUCI system. But it's a miracle we got to this place at all. Here's a quick reconstruction:
On the bike things went pretty well. We managed to sign two great sprinters in Drapac and Manarelli, and three cobblestones specialists in De Haes, Marcos and Matthews. This meant that we were able to participate on all terrains for once. Yes, there were also some less successful acquisitions this season but far less so than the previous years. Haga and Selander were send on loan to a ProTour squad, and would come back to us having gained valuable experience.
Over the first two season we scored a total of four victories. However, we knew very quickly that this season would be much better, as we had already won three stages when we came to March. Barton and Sarmiento, two new riders as well, both won a stage in the Tour of the Middle East, and De Haes won us our first classic: the prestigious Geraardsbergen - Bosberg. But the big fish came from New Zealand, the Tour of Southland, where Martinez won the fourth stage and consequently the general classification. You could imagine the celebrations, fireworks and Minions who drank slightly too much at the headquarters.
And it didn't stop there, as our sprinters delivered on their promises as well. Drapac won a stage in Circulo de Juarez and came close to the overall victory. He also won the opening stage in the Tour of Denmark, taking the leader's jersey before losing it on stage three to our very own Kinney, who won that stage as well. Unfortunately he also couldn't win the overall classification. Manarelli managed to rack up four victories over the season, one in the Tour de Pologne, one in the Herald Sun Tour and two consecutive stages in Ruta America del Sur. Martinez also won a time trial in the USAPCC, the exact same one Haga won the year before.
This did us well in the rankings. We were within reach of automatic promotion all season, and although we couldn't challenge for the title which went to Ferrero, we still finished in fourth place, one place ahead of our rivals Carlsberg, after Lierse chickened out of a battle of the last team of the 2014 generation to promote. Fourth place means we could finally kiss goodbye to the bottom depths of the CT, and start mixing us in the midfield of the PCT.
However, off the bike things went a little bit less well, understatement of the year. First there was a bit of a miscommunication with Esmaeli regarding his future, and he left the team midway through the season after only participating in two races. Then, our sponsors started to withdraw, all for the silliest of reasons. Universal withdrew because they though we favoured Chiquita, and that wasn't true, and they knew it, but they wanted a way out for something else. Because our operations were moved to the glorious banana republic of Guatemala for tax reasons, our team became, let's say a lot less liked by some organisations. The people of Guatemala noticed their bananas became extremely expensive due to some of our employee's habits, and soon we had some major riots outside our building.
We knew we had to bail when even Chiquita, our most beloved sponsor (sorry Universal, you had this coming), left us and joined the side of the protestors. We took our stuff and got the hell out of the country, before they burned our HQ to the ground. Back in the US of A we couldn't find a place to stay, we couldn't find a sponsor to work with and we couldn't eat bananas because we didn't have them anymore.
Then, as an angel descended down from heaven, Tareq Esmaeli came back with money from his dad, who apparently is a super rich oil Sheikh from Qatar. He bought the license and saved the Minions from bankruptcy and most likely prison. This means we're once again on the move, towards Qatar, with our new sugar daddy paying for everything we need (including apparently a mountain made of oil for a new race). We have no sponsors who could direct where we go and what we do, it's just the Minions from now on. And Tareq the banana lover is back with the team, and we will never ever threat him the way we did last season.
Long story short: we're on the most wanted list of the CIA, FBI and Interpol, we have both Chiquita and Universal suing us, the governments of the United States and Guatemala want to see us extradited, and for some reason the Walt Disney Company has send mercenaries to kill us. But that won't stop us. We're going to continue were we left off: to conquer the world of cycling, whether you like it or not!
Let's start with the good news (pun intented): we survived our first season in PCT! How? Well, read below.
We realised our squad was in need of a major make-over, since our CT leaders would not be good enough to lead PCT. Our two major signings were Úran for the mountains/stage races, and Betancourt for the hills. Albert was brought on to lead at the cobbles, and Drapac remained sprint leader though we knew he would struggle more. A leader in every discipline, what could go wrong?
A lot, actually. We spent over a million bananas on helping Betancourt lose weight so he would be in top shape going in this season, but his performances were not what we expected. We wanted constant scoring while he only delivered a few good result contrary to many bad results. Albert didn't have the best of seasons either but at least he tried. And our support riders didn't really get themselves inside the break or in a low points-scoring position for them to be of any help for the rankings.
We made mistakes, we'll admit. We left over 150k in our wage cap to afford Betancourt's training, money we could have used to sign better riders. And the riders we did sign weren't scouted that great either. We signed Goodnews Clifford purely because of his first name and the laughs we would have, not because of his skill. Jeandesbosz had previously been signed by us but never raced, so we brought him back to close the chapter, but his age had already caught him and he wasn't as good as he used to be. Albourdainy was signed because he's friends with the Sheikh's son and while he wasn't too bad, we could've signed someone with more pedigree.
That still doesn't answer our earlier question though. How did we survive? Well, a large part of it is down to one man: Úran. He scored well in every race he participated in, but in August he delivered big-time when he won Deutschland Tour in the PTHC category, against ProTour opposition, and single-handedly pushed us out of the relegation zone we'd been spending in since January. A statue for him has already been erected outside the HQ.
Other two silver linings were Drapac, who caused an upset when he won Nahakon Rahamanakon Classic in Thailand (that's not how it's spelled but we've never done it correctly and you probably never noticed), and De Haes, who won three stages in three different races from the breakaway. Those fringe points proved to be just enough to stay above the five bottom places.
In the end it's twentieth place, two places and just 237 points ahead of relegation. This year we have to do better, this year we have to sign riders better, this year we have to plan races better, this year we have to race races better, this year we have to be better!
And so we made it to our sixth season. Can you believe it, six years already. We started on this adventure knowing absolutely nothing, which showed in our first seasons, but now we're at a spot where we know what's going on and how to improve.
Take our fifth season. We barely avoided relegation in our debut in PCT, and improvements were necessary to improve on our ranking position. We knew we had some additional cap space held behind by Betancourt, but selling him for a record fee opened up some real possibilities. In response we bought Zepuntke for a record fee and assembled a strong cobblestone squad. Additionally, we focussed on time trials to avoid the painful moments whenever they took place.
The season indeed went a lot better than before. Not only relying on Úran to score points, but he was still our top scorer. Despite not winning a stage race this season he was a lot more consistent and finished second and third almost every stage or race. This brought him to eighth place in the individual rankings. The cobblestone squad also took a lot of points, including Zepuntke and Albert as second- and third-best scorers respectively.
But it were the little guys who made it into a great season. Loanee Moulingui finished third in Omloop het Nieuwsblad. Third for an unmaxed, 23 year old in the highest category possible is a wonderful performance, and meant he finished sixth on our end-of-season rankings. Drapac also picked his race where he overperformed, winning a stage and finishing third in the GC at Baltic Chain Tour.
Not everything was bright though. We made our GT debut in the Vuelta, but largely remained anonymous except Úran taking seventh place in the GC. Betancourt's replacement, Quevedo, was not up to standards and scored even less. This means we have to look for a new lead puncheur for the third year in a row. But you know what they say, third time's a charm.
Put everything together and we have a solid midtable finish of thirteenth. Way ahead of the relegation spots but also behind the (disband) promotion spots. For a while we looked to battle for the promotion spots, placing sixth or seventh midway through the season, but with less racedays in the latter months we dropped back a bit. That's not a shame, it shows we have a great base and with a little tweaking, we can promote to PT this season.
And here we are in season seven, still with the unwanted C in our division prefix. Our triple three-years plan ([CT] learning - building a base - promotion - [PCT] survival - building a base - promotion - [PT] survival - building a base - champions) is now officially one year behind schedule. Whereas we managed to get through the Continental division in three years as planned, the ProContinental arc of our team history will have at least four chapters.
For the third year in a row Uran was our highest scorer, elevating his status as team legend even further. A few stage wins here and there, and a lot of GC top fives, but his big win came in the Corsica International, a race he had won before for a different team but always fell just short of in our colors. He once again finished in the top ten of the individual standings, in exactly tenth place with a total of points similar to the previous season.
We brought in Claeys to tackle our persistent puncheurs problem, an unlike his maligned predecessors, he actually got some results. Two wins in GP Wallonie and Tour of Southland early in the season were his highlights, but after those two he thought he did enough and couldn't achieve the same results for the rest of the season, only occasionally making the top ten.
The cobbles squad, though slightly dismantled compared to the previous season, also did a good job, with Zepuntke and Albert being our third- and fourth-best point scorers with some decent results, though no stand-out Moulingui-like performance. Janse van Rensburg also surprisingly had some decent results where we did not expect him to perform well. In all honesty, there were multiple riders which scored more points than anticipated. Marcos and Ivanov scored more than 100 points, Martinez had a top 25 in a PTHC stage race. Even Esmaeli picked up six points during the season!
Yet we only finished in fourteenth place in the final rankings, a place lower than the previous season despite scoring an additional 156 points. We wanted promotion but ended up far, far away. As scapegoat we labeled the sprinting department as biggest failures. Drapac did not have a win this season but did finish second once, whereas Vantomme, whom we signed with the explicit goal of participating and scoring high in sprints, did not participate or score high in sprints. At least the performance in the other departments was good enough to avoid relegation.
So, we are a year behind schedule. Does this mean a major revamp? Doing this differently from now on? A fresh breath in management and the squad? Behind the scenes we have been negotiating contracts, planning the schedule, infiltrating rival teams and blackmailing the MGUCI to make sure this year we will get what we deserve, a top five finish and promotion to the highest echelon of cycling!
And finally get rid of the bloody C!
People following our progress ever since our baby steps will have seen our lack of updates for the 2020 season. No race previews or reviews were posted during the season, there were no answers to press question or fan mail, yet the manager was spotted all over the world doing everything but writing for his own team. Only after the season there was a Minion (read: a Minion who was forced to do so, otherwise he wouldn't get a banana) who provided minimal statement on the races of the season.
The season itself wasn't one we had hoped for either. We had hoped to get rid of the C in our division title, but in fact we have not gotten any closer. We finished in fourteenth position again, and thus will be heading into our fifth season in the ProContinental division. It could be worse, as relegation is also avoided with some wiggle room, but the progress has stagnated drastically.
Uran went into the season as undisputed leader again and got out as our top scorer, but not to the levels he had shown in previous years. This can be attributed to this age. The Colombian is in the autumn of his career, with the next generation to take over the reins. An important acquisition turned out to be Vesely, who would score very close to Uran's tally and proved to be our first ever consistent sprinter. Haga also rode some good races with his dangerous combination of climbing and riding against the clock.
There were some major disappointments as well. Zepuntke did not really get to fight for podium positions but still scored points in the races where he participated. Claeys on the other hand was clearly not giving everything he had and would often be one of the first "favorites" to get dropped. The biggest disappointment occurred before the season however, with the teams minutes away of signing legendary time trialist Coppel before being snatched away by a rival outfit.
So what's in store for the upcoming season? Uran and other subleaders are only getting older, and the talents such as Bjerg and Hodeg are not ready to take over yet. The transfer season will be an important one to take in fresh blood which will push us further up the rankings, as we are sick and tired of this time loop where we are stuck in the boring mid-tables.
We want to conquer the world of cycling, remember?
Spoiler
This story is completely fictional. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious as well. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, but I hope the little yellow single-celled organisms are real
Chaos has erupted at the headquarters of the Minions, or rather what is left of it. A witness has stated that it all started with a big shout:
YOU FIRED MY SON?
This could only come from the Sheikh, the secret guardian angel of the team who continues to sponsor as long as his son, Tareq Esmaeli, appears on the team roster. It seems, if the Sheikh's words are to believed, the contract of the Qatari has not been renewed despite numerous pledges that he would be on the team forever.
The Sheikh then ragequitted on the team, forcing them all out of the headquarters within five minutes. The Minions who were working in the HQ could only grab the essentials before the Sheikh would send his personal security to evict them, and as could be expected of them the only thing they grabbed were bananas.
During the rushed departure, a fire started in the HQ which is yet to be extinguished by the local fire brigade. There are reports of injuries but there are no reports of casualties, as it seems all Minions were out before the fire spread.
In the chaos, the staff and riders got separated, with no one knowing where everyone went. We have the following, unconfirmed rumors of the whereabouts of some riders:
- Niels Albert was expecting a retirement party, though this is a bit extreme.
- Chris Barton has been picked up by US intelligence agencies with the goal to become a whistle-blower.
- Clement Champoussin has returned to Huski (formerly eBuddy), from which he was on loan last season.
- Dimitri Claeys was seen sleeping on Carlos Betancourt's couch.
- Tareq Esmaeli is crying on his daddy's lap.
- Andzs Flaksis is seeking asylum at the border with Saudi Arabia.
- Vojtech Hacecky is somewhere, but nobody cares.
- Borislav Ivanov was visiting his family in Bulgaria, and thus wasn't present when the chaos erupted.
- Yasmani Martinez allegedly left on a plane to Cuba wearing a wig, a fake beard and sunglasses.
- Szymon Rekita also left the HQ before the chaos as he was insulted with his contract offer.
- Laureano Rosas was on a training ride, and could not find anyone when he returned to the HQ.
What will happen to the team everybody loves? Where are the other riders? Where is the management? Will we see them racing in the 2021 season which is about to get underway?
Marcovdw wrote:
During the rushed departure, a fire started in the HQ which is yet to be extinguished by the local fire brigade. There are reports of injuries but there are no reports of casualties, as it seems all Minions were out before the fire spread.
@the_hoyle - That might be an additional injury to the report
CODE BANANA
Code Banana, I repeat, Code Banana!
This is an emergency broadcast from Minions TV, the number one radio station for everything related to bananas. The cycling team has relocated to our top secret hideout in Nepal, halfway up Mount Everest, taking a left at the sign "Top-secret hideout", mind the gap! The team management as well as all riders with a valid contract survived the escape, and we are ready to make the team great again!
Here are the riders who will be part of the new Minions-in-exile squad, and how many bananas they managed to bring with them during the escape:
Rider
Age
XP
OVL
Wage
+/-
Mikkel Bjerg
23
3.44
69.69
140000
-60000
Chad Haga
33
4.100
73.22
60000
-30000
Alvaro Hodeg
25
4.100
74.95
85000
+5000
Reinhardt Janse van Rensburg
32
4.100
74.90
85000
0
Dusan Kalaba
25
4.100
76.28
125000
-20000
Bert-Jan Lindeman
32
4.100
74.39
70000
+20000
Leandro Marcos
30
4.100
73.75
50000
0
Bjorn Selander
33
4.100
73.34
50000
0
Rigoberto Uran
34
4.100
77.03
300000
-200000
Daniel Vesely
29
4.100
77.15
250000
+90000
Ruben Zepuntke
28
4.100
75.80
125000
-25000
Uran's age meant he was unable to carry his previous wage to the new base, losing two tonnes of bananas! Most of them seemed to have ended up with Vesely who suddenly had an additional 90k. Lindeman and Hodeg also had more bananas than they were supposed to have, 20k and 5k respectively, but investigation has concluded no wrongdoing on their part. Janse van Rensburg, Marcos and Selander are very punctual and kept all their bananas, so kudos! Talent Bjerg (with the best OVL ever) lacks the experience to carry a lot of bananas, losing 60k, while Haga, Kalaba and Zepuntke ate between 20k and 30k bananas each, meaning they need to his the gym to get rid of these extra kilos.
There are rumours of riders without contract trying to find the HQ. Any rider which survives this journey is not guaranteed of a contract, only those who carry bananas with them will be given an overall.
Many riders have gotten news of our situation and have set off for a pilgrimage for our new HQ. Is, is that who I think it is?
Edvald Boasson Hagen
Oh my sweet lord, it is! The legendary puncheur, fourteenth of last season's PT standings, 2013 World Champion, winner of Il Lombardia and Milano - San Remo, Edvald Boasson Hagen. He even brought along 700000 bananas for us to eat! You cannot imagine how delighted we are.
Borislav Ivanov
This guy is familiar with the team, as he has been with us the past two seasons. Borislav Ivanov was in Bulgaria when the exodus occurred but caught the first plane to Nepal to come and find us. He comes with the minimal accepted entry fee of 50000.
Laurens Sweeck
Laurens Sweeck is a cobbler who rode for the now defunct Volvo team, so he was in need of a new employer and decided to come to us with 50000 bananas. On his way up the mountain he was intercepted by a rival team, but we snitched on them for breaking the rules so he was released. Now he's crying tears of joy.
Four more riders found their way to our HQ, but we also lost one. Reinhardt Janse van Rensburg did not acclimatize to the cold environment and got homesick. He got an offer from Project: Africa which would see him move back home, which we allowed out of respect for the South African. We also received 250 thousand bananas from his new manager. We wish him all the best at his new team. Now, the four new guys.
Laureano Rosas
The first one isn't really new as he has been on the team for three years before. Laureano Rosas returned to HQ on fire but we left cryptic clues to lead him to our new HQ, which he followed. He has a stash of 50000 bananas.
Mathias De Witte
Another strengthening of the cobblestone squad at minimal wage, Mathias De Witte also comes with C2-eligibility, meaning we can destroy the continental opposition with a dangerous quartet again.
Jordan Cheyne
For team time trials you need many time trialists, and our squad from last year fell apart. Thus, we found a replacement in Canadian Jordan Cheyne, who will be joining us for another 50000 bananas.
Antoine Duchesne
Another Canadian, Antonie Duchesne is brought in for the hilly races in support of the Boss. The fourth rider announced today at the minimal mandated wage of 50000 bananas, meaning we got this all for a mere two tonnes. Great deals!
@the_hoyle - With Hagen earning 700k, others have to be a bit cheaper
THE FINAL FIVE
Our transfer season got wrapped up with the final five signings, taking the squad to 22 riders for next season. A full presentation of all riders will be made at a later date, but first we announce the five new faces.
Pawel Poljanski
Short or long climbing, Pawel Poljanski can handle both. This makes him a very useful secondant for Hagen and Uran, and could even claim some leadership in his own right. Bringing in 90000 bananas after being out of a job with Fablok's folding, he is our second-most expensive free agent signing.
Florentino Marquez
A legend for many teams, Florentino Marquez is an experienced climber who knows how to win, helping Los Pollos to promotion because Bru couldn't. Now he climbs for us for 50000 bananas, and we hope he can help us promote to PT.
Mauri Vansevenant
Mauri Vansevenant makes his debut in professional cycling, and immediately earns 350000 in some other currency. We cannot afford that, but Aegon does. The manager thinks debuting in PT is a step too high, so he is loaned out to us to gain experience. He is useful in any discipline and can learn from our many great leaders
Andrei Nechita
Another rider picked up from the ashes of Fablok, Andrei Nechita is a pawn in our TTT setup and could function as cobblestone domestique. Another rider in the latter stages of his career but 50000 bananas is worth the experience.
Pim Ligthart
Pim Ligthart is a Dutch time trialist earning 50000 bananas as well. Please don't tell him he was literally at the bottom of our new TT leader wishlist. Oh crap, delete, DELETE!
I LOVE that Rider presentation. Great pick-up for cheap, and I think especially Marquez is really undervalued and has the potential to surprise. You've got an awesome group together!
Had hoped MG UCI allows him to take bananas only but apparently I have to pay him still. :/
Looking forward to his season learning from one of the very best.
Bold way to go for EBH, but I think in the end it probably paid off to prevent a bidding war that could have gone higher. The Minions of your TTT setup look very well prepared as well.
RIP Exxon Duke, David Veilleux, Double Feature, and Monster Energy
Croatia14 wrote:
I LOVE that Rider presentation. Great pick-up for cheap, and I think especially Marquez is really undervalued and has the potential to surprise. You've got an awesome group together!
Thanks, this is definitely the strongest team I have ever assembled. Marquez cannot possibly disappoint at minimum wage.
SportingNonsense wrote:
Very entertaining HQ to read! Should hopefully be a fun season for you with EBH.
EBH will definitely make the hilly races fun to watch for me again. Anything better than Claeys last season.
roturn wrote:
Nice presentation and good luck with Mauri.
Had hoped MG UCI allows him to take bananas only but apparently I have to pay him still. :/
Looking forward to his season learning from one of the very best.
We will give Mauri a banana during the races so he doesn't feel left out. We'll make sure he gets back to you with loads of experience.
baseballlover312 wrote:
Bold way to go for EBH, but I think in the end it probably paid off to prevent a bidding war that could have gone higher. The Minions of your TTT setup look very well prepared as well.
EBH was not my first target but definitely someone I wanted. Only I didn't account for him in my band selections so he might need some unconventional planning.
It would indeed be a disappointment to see EBH perform weaker than Claeys did last season Great to see that Marquez has found such a nice home for what could probably be the last season in his career, I hope he can get a sneaky stage win somewhere!
redordead wrote:
Beltran likes hard hills, EBH likes easy hills. So lets just keep away from each other and we'll both be fine
I'll try to avoid him but in the inevitable situation they do race against each other, he will eat EBH's dust
Nemolito wrote:
It would indeed be a disappointment to see EBH perform weaker than Claeys did last season Great to see that Marquez has found such a nice home for what could probably be the last season in his career, I hope he can get a sneaky stage win somewhere!
I made sure Claeys can never ride a bike again so that should scare EBH into performing
Marquez still has enough in him for a good result somewhere I hope. At minimum wage he cannot possibly disappoint.
22 Minions are ready to tackle the 2021 season and win every race! Well, we might leave a few wins for other teams, but know you only won because we let you win. We know we said the exact same thing last year, but this time we mean it! Here are the riders and the shining overalls they will be riding in:
Edvald Boasson Hagen
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
75
68
83
70
78
71
69
53
71
76
73
64
70
78.83
34
4.100
700k
A legend in cycling, Edvald becomes our new leader with undisputed qualities in hilly races. This is an area which seems to be cursed for us, but the Norwegian cannot possibly perform worse than any of his predecessors. And if he does, the curse is real and we will destroy all hills.
Daniel Vesely
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
73
60
68
57
74
68
76
57
81
80
61
71
57
77.15
29
4.100
250k
Sprinting also used to be our kryptonite but Daniel showed us we can have a reliable scorer in this department. We see no reason to change anything for this season, meaning the Czech will have the same setup as last season which made him one of our top scorers.
Rigoberto Uran Colombian TT NC
Spoiler
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
70
80
72
76
72
78
72
53
53
68
65
60
76
77.03
34
4.100
300k
For the first time in five years, Rigoberto is not our undisputed leader. The Colombian is still a team legend and with a wage cut, he holds enough merit to lead us in the mountains and stage races, though expectations are a lot lower. Nevertheless, he will score big in races which combine the two.
Dusan Kalaba
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
74
65
69
70
70
72
76
57
79
79
58
68
78
76.28
25
4.100
125k
Mostly in the shadows of Daniel, Dusan did not have an outstanding performance in sprinting but with his prologue skills still got a decent amount of points. This year he is still eligible for the youth classification which could bring us some extra points.
Ruben Zepuntke
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
72
55
69
65
79
72
64
82
72
65
66
68
65
76.26
28
4.100
125k
Ruben spent the summer eating cobblestones instead of bananas, which was necessary to keep him near the top of the cobblestone field. The races in this category are sparse so we have to maximise the results, no time for slacking off!
Pawel Poljanski
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
66
77
77
67
70
70
76
56
61
71
73
66
67
75.72
31
4.100
90k
Small or big, Pawel likes to climb. It's nice to have some depth in two departments where we usually relied on a single leader, which gives us more options both planning-wise and racing-wise.
Antoine Duchesne
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
70
67
77
68
73
72
67
56
69
79
71
51
68
75.39
30
4.100
50k
With a superstar puncheur comes a superstar secondary leader. Antoine strengthens the department and we expect lots of attacking from his side, as long as it helps the greater good.
Alvaro Hodeg
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
72
53
65
67
69
74
70
51
79
78
53
64
73
74.95
25
4.100
85k
We signed him when he was literally baby, now he has grown into a full-grown cyclist. Alvaro will still act as leadout for the two other sprinters most of the time but will get more chances for himself once he shows he's ready.
Florentino Marquez
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
66
78
69
68
67
75
72
50
59
77
73
62
68
74.75
34
4.100
50k
The third rider at the ripe age of 34, Florentino is an experienced climber who will support Rigoberto wherever possible, and might get some leadership in races not suiting the Colombian.
Borislav Ivanov Bulgarian RR NC
Spoiler
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
69
76
74
63
72
75
75
50
58
68
77
69
63
74.72
32
4.100
50k
Despite not accepting our contract proposal, we were keen on keeping Borislav after some beastly breakaway performances last year. Since he realized no other team would pick him up, he has come back to a familiar team and we act as if he's never left.
Bert-Jan Lindeman
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
73
55
64
60
72
69
66
76
74
76
64
61
60
74.39
32
4.100
70k
Our number two for the cobblestone squad, Bert-Jan will also be a carriage in a leadout train. Furthermore, his C2 eligibility means he can act as leader for the two cobblestone races we were forced to race there.
Laurens Sweeck
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
73
62
68
68
71
72
62
76
70
71
67
75
71
74.09
28
4.100
50k
Albert but younger, Laurens will be a valuable domestique for the years to come. The Belgian has a lot of knowledge of the local roads which might give us the edge when we race in Belgium.
Leandro Marcos
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
74
62
73
63
71
65
70
74
65
70
73
64
65
73.75
30
4.100
50k
Now the only Cuban on the team, Leandro will once again earn his living fetching bottles in cobblestone and hilly races. Watch out for him in the few races where this combination is valuable.
Mathias De Witte
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
74
60
68
61
75
72
67
75
71
69
64
65
61
73.55
28
4.100
50k
Another Belgian cobblestone domestique, no wonder so many come from there. Mathias is also there for support, breakaways and the C2 races. Him and Laurens look so alike we might get them mixed up a few times.
Bjorn Selander
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
70
67
75
62
72
69
68
62
69
74
70
60
62
73.34
33
4.100
50k
Bjorn is our tied longest-serving rider now, with us from our very first season, and is the encyclopedia of team knowledge. Other than that he is someone who doesn't mind doing the dirty work in harder races
Chad Haga
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
69
74
71
75
71
68
70
56
63
65
69
70
76
73.22
33
4.100
60k
The other one with the longest tenure is Chad, who surprised many by becoming our third-highest point scorer last season. We hope he can get to similar levels in the races combining time trialing with hills.
Mauri Vansevenant
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
72
67
71
68
74
73
65
62
69
73
72
68
70
72.27
22
1.0
0k
Mauri is on loan from Aegon and here to gain experience. He can do literally anything except, paradoxically for a Belgian, ride on cobblestones. We'll make sure he gets as much time to learn from the very best as possible.
Jordan Cheyne
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
73
58
66
76
73
75
70
55
65
67
69
64
75
72.12
30
4.100
50k
While not having many expectations in individual time trials, Jordan is an important factor in our mission to not be humiliated in team time trials, something which happened to us all too often in the past.
Pim Ligthart
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
71
53
57
77
70
64
66
59
69
72
68
65
77
71.70
33
4.100
50k
With the sale of Reinhardt, Pim becomes our lead time trialist against better judgment. We made it no secret he was not exactly a welcome signing but we can put all differences aside and support him against the clock.
Andrei Nechita
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
73
62
63
75
71
69
69
70
54
66
65
62
75
70.80
33
4.100
50k
Andrei is another new element of the team time trial team, and comes with a lot of experience from a lot of different teams. The Romanian also doesn't dislike cobblestones, a rare attribute on the team.
Laureano Rosas
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
72
59
65
75
72
70
73
51
70
74
55
61
76
69.82
31
4.100
50k
We know exactly what Laureano is capable of. A trusted hand in the team events, capable of a surprise on his own, likes a longshot breakaway attempt and is never too lazy to help out the others in any possible way.
Mikkel Bjerg
FL
MO
HL
TT
STA
RES
REC
COB
SP
ACC
FTR
DH
PRL
OVL
Age
XP
Wage
72
62
65
73
69
73
69
63
66
67
70
66
73
69.69
23
3.44
140k
A talent! Mikkel will be the future time trial god of Denmark, but for now he's still learning. This year he can take a more important role in the team as he is ready to be an important piece in the TTT puzzle.
Fredy Piamonte 
Roman Kilun
Gert Rajala 
Sébastien Chavanel 
Marco Bandiera 
Wim Stroetinga 
Tareq Esmaeli 
Yasmani Martinez
Sebastian Salas
Shaquille Sinclair [Loan]
Damion Drapac
Jay Major
Darren Matthews
Kenny De Haes
Carlos Alexandre Manarelli
Diego Milan
Jhonnatan De Leon
Gracjan Lejman
Salah Eddine Mraouni [Loan]
Goodnews Clifford
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/
/
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Dusan Kalaba
Daniel Vesely
Borislav Ivanov
Laureano Rosas
Andrei Nechita
