Once upon a time, a little yellow single-celled organism was searching around for some food for his friends, the other little yellow single-celled organisms. He found a tree full of bananas, and it became the most holy food for them; only apples (or babbles, as they would pronounce them) came close afterwards, but the bananas stayed on top forever. They could continue to eat bananas without anyone noticing, until capitalism.
A bunch of Americans found out about the bananas, and decided to eat them as well. The organisms weren't too happy about that, but the Americans only wanted to sell bananas to them for ridiciously high prices. The organisms agreed on the deal, because they just couldn't live without bananas. The Americans founded a company called United Fruit Company, which would later be known as Chiquita Brands International.
After the deal, the little yellow single-celled organisms were living in peace again, even during both World Wars and the Cold War, but their rest was disturbed again in the 21st century when an American/French film crew decided to use them for a movie. The company, who named theirself Illumination Entertainment, had a big plan with them, and they even gave them a name that will always be recognized, the Minions!
Illumination Entertainment became a subsidiary of Universal Studios, a rich and famous American company. The film, called Despicable Me and released in 2010, became a hugh success, and the Minions became rich. A sequel would follow 3 years later, and that made them even richer. In 2015, the Minions will finally get their own movie, suprisingly called Minions, where they will finally be main characters. Despicable Me 3 is scheduled for 2017.
One of the Minions was a big fan of cycling, and decided to found a cycling team with the money he earned from the movies and the bananas. He, however, did not have enough money to it, neither did all the Minions together. They first asked Universal Studios to sponsor them. They decided to help, but they didn't offer enough money to fund the entire team. Then Chiquita came to rescue, and offered an amazing amount of money for the team, accompanied by a giant raise in the price of the bananas. Team Chiquita-Universal was born!
[url=pcmdaily.com/forum/viewthread.php?thread_id=38682]This is how the story continued:[/url]
Spoiler
The Minions began strong, designing jerseys, making goals and selecting races. Riders were signed, but they made one critical mistake. Instead of human currency, the riders were paid in bananas. This did not only effect their health, but it also resulted in some angry Minions who had to either go to rehab or switch to babbles. And things didn't get better when a film crew showed up to make a new movie about them, which is to premiere soon.
This slight controversy resulted in a big mess. Minions weren't motivated to watch races or write about it, riders weren't performing due to the lack of support from the Minions and organizers threatened to take our license away. Our season marked justfour highlights, though that's more than none. The victory of Chad Haga in a TT in Algarve resulted in a mass celebration in our lab and a daily pilgrimage to Portugal. Carter Jones won the mountain jersey in the Tour de Beauce, but those 2 wins were all there would be last season. There were some minor celebrations when Jakob Rathe achieved our goal in a for Minions impronouncable race (Cigar City Brewing Twilight GP) and some decent performances in our home tour: the Tour of America.
It didn't look good for the Minions though. 24th out of 26 was definately a big bummer, though higher than most critics expected. It was a nail-biting offseason, but their but-jokes, banana-bribery and cute smiles managed to secure a new license for this season. We managed to keep both our main sponsors and secondary sponsors aboard (Chiquita, Universal, Illumination Entertainment and Gameloft). To keep the Minions happy, we decided to change our name to Chiquita - Universal powered by Minions, after we were already informally called Team Minions last season. We were given a new appearance as well, with a new jersey designed by renowned artist Bikex. Last season was trial-and-error, this season will be trial-and-succeeding!
The Minions aren't dead. The Minions are alive. The Minions are more fond of cycling than ever and extremely driven to perform this season, and of course gain more bananas. Or babbles. Or both.
Now, the Minions cycling team is in their third consecutive season in the lowest level of cycling. The Minions are losing hope, but is there a Minion who can stand up and lead them to promotion, finally?
Where did it go wrong last season? The start was promising, with our license renewed and Minions being added to the official team name. However, there was some controversy regarding the not very child-friendly abbreviation. We would like to maintain a good relationship with children, and therefore we rectified our error immediately. We also found out that Piamonte didn't like bananas. He was thrown out of the HQ immediately.
Transfers went better as the year before. The PR-Minion didn't mess up the validation process and got it right in one go. Some star riders were signed, such as Martinez and Kinney. Yet, there were also failures. Jones was loaned out to a even worse team where he couldn't progress. 500,000 bananas were invested in sprinter Tolleson, but his stack of top 10's were limited, if there were any. The old and decreasing Duggan was signed to provide experience, but can he be useful for another season? And in the closing stages we signed the overpriced Italian fighter Santambrogio. Our 200,000 bananas donation to Festina might have been the key to their ProTour victory.
Resultwise the season also went better. Our first season resulted in 1 stage victory, the second season that increased to 3! Kinney won a stage in Pologne, Haga the TT in the USA Pro Cycling Challenge and Montenegro won from a breakaway in our favourite race, the Tour of America. He and Haga also fought for the mountains competition, but where a few places away from victory. The race has given us some great memories, and we will certainly return this year. Martinez had some great stage race results, including a sixth place in the prestigious Vuelta a Tachira.
On the other hand, Tolleson couldn't impress in the sprints. At one point, Santambrogio managed to outdo him on a regular basis. The lack of points in sprinters races is the reason we couldn't compete for promotion positions. It will now be a Mexican standoff between Carlsberg, Lierse and us to decide who will be the last team to promote from the 2014 entrants.
We lost 16th place in the standings on the final race, yet 17th out of 26 is much better as our 24th place. If we can improve by the same margin this year, promotion will be within reach!
For the Minions themselves, 2015 was quite succesful. The eponymous film was a box office hit, and grossed billions worldwide. The Minions now have some time of before they start working on their new movie, Despicable Me 3. Kevin the Minion was knighted by the Queen of England, and is now known as Sir Kevin. He will replace Dave as general manager, who has decided to move on and seek new challenges in the world of the yellow single-celled organisms.
In 2016, the team will revert to its 2014 name, but without the Team prefix. Due to new restrictions by the MGUCI, a character lenght was introduced, which made our team name too long for their administration. The team will officially be known as Chiquita - Universal, but as always the media will always associate us with the Minions, who will not leave the world of cycling in the near future! The team is now officially based in Guatemala, because the Minions want to be in a banana republic. This will mean an increased focus on Central America, but we will not forget the most important market on the earth, the United States of America!
However, we must be realistic. Some Minions are getting depressed. Promotion has to be achieved, otherwise who knows what will happen. Complete Minion breakdown? The apocalypse? It is up to Sir Kevin, team manager Stuart and the directeurs sportifs, including Bob, to find the most despicable master to... ehh sorry, that's the plot of the movie.
To get the team to the top of the world of cycling, that's it!
Spoiler
This story is completely fictional. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious as well. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, but I hope the little yellow single-celled organisms are real
Main sponsors: Chiquita Brands International Universal Studios Minor sponsors: Illumination Entertainment Gameloft
General manager: Sir Kevin the Minion Team manager: Stuart the Minion Directeurs sportifs: Bob the Minion Carl the Minion Jerry the Minion John the Minion Mike the Minion PR manager: Paul the Minion Minions non-grata:
Fredy Piamonte (for not liking bananas)
Norbert the Minion (for a lot of scheduling errors)
Phil the Minion (for giving an intoxicated interview)
Steve the Minion (for not being able to read the rules) Mascots:
The Minions who couldn't obtain an official spot at the cycling team, despite numerous bribery attempts
Yes, the new season is nearby. New teams get accepted whereas others change sponsors/divisions and post some vaguely related stuff about their teams. We will join the queue and present our pre-renewals plan. The riders are sorted into 6 categories:
Will absolutely certainly definitely for sure stay with the team:
Nick Kinney Yasmani Martinez
Kinney showed his worth by being a decent puncheur, winning a stage in Pologne and often finishing in the top 5 or top 10 in stages with an uphill finish.
Despite not winning anything, we have confidence in Martinez as our leader for the stage races. He will always be one of the contenders for victory in mountanious races.
Will be renewed but will hopefully maybe if anyone wants them be loaned out to a PT team
Chad Haga Carter Jones Bjorn Selander
Haga is America's next stage racing prospects. Finishing sixth in the prestigious Tour of Amercia two years ago, and winning a TT in the USAPCC last year, he has shown his worth even though he can get better!
Jones was controversially loaned out to Fred Whitton last year, this year we hope he will go to somewhere he can improve.
Selander is set to replace Kinney when the latter will retire, but first needs some PT-experience to get there.
Like last year, the teams hope these riders can be loaned out to a ProTour team. As counterperformance, we are willing to loan in your talents who can gain experience at continental level.
Will be renewed and will stay with team but are maybe available for transfer if another team stumbles upon them and offers us some bananas
Tareq Esmaeli Mark Griffith Fabio Montenegro Jakob Rathe Sebastian Salas
Tareq'The Banana Lover'Esmaeli is a great fighter, showing himself in many breakaways.
For the TT's, Griffith will be our leader, having received a stat updrage in the off-season
Montenegro is not from Montenegro, but a Colombian who won a stage in the Tour of America last year.
Our best cobbler is Rathe, and he will stay once more. He might also be loaned out to a PT team, providing we get a new cobbles leader.
Salas is a decent mountain domestique, and will be the main support for Martinez
We don't know yet what to do with these guys because we wasted a lot of money on getting or improving them but somehow that hasn't paid off but we don't want to flush millions of bananas down the toilet
Timothy Duggan Mauro Santambrogio Taylor Tolleson
He doesn't like to hear it, but Duggan is not getting any younger. He could become a road captain, but we're not sure if he's capable of anything more.
Santambrogio cost a lot but scored not much. Yet he did step up as replacement sprinter, for which he at least scored some points.
Tolleson, the sprinter who doesn't sprint. Maybe he is more capable in a leadout train for out new lead sprinter?
We don't want you anymore so pack your stuff and leave the HQ withing 24 hours otherwise we call the police
Mike Friedman Simon-Pierre Gauthier Alex Howes John Murphy
Friedman is also getting older, but unlike Duggan we don't see a future for him.
Stagaire Gauthier will not have his internship renewed.
Howes is definately not a bad rider, but we already have many mountain domestiques. Maybe he can find a spot in one of the new American teams.
Murphy is basically a waste of bananas, he hasn't done anything over the past two years.
Will return to their former teams after a loan period
Maxime Le Montagner Shaquille Sinclair
Le Montagner, who is not a climber as his name would suggest, retrns to Generali
Sinclair, the Hottest Thing on Wheels, will show his beatifulness in the colours of VisitUkraine.
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On the other hand, who will we sign for next season. We haven't kept it a secret that we are looking for a superstar sprinter and a cobbler to strengthen the team. We have shortlists for both types, and we will wait and see who is available and who is not. But in the meantime...
It has been a long off-season, but finally things start to get moving again.The goals have been send to the governing bodies and the first inquiries into race subscritions and rider signings have been made. But what else have we done over the past few months?
First of all we moved our headquarters from a top secret location in the United States (Universal Studios Hollywood, 100 Universal City Plaza, Universal City, CA 91608 , California, United States, North America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way) to a new highly classified location at the Guatemala Country Club (30 Av. Final Zona 11, Guatemala City, 01011, Guatemala, Central America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way).
We're glad we moved to a banana republic. The local population has welcomed us in a great fashion. They gave us loads of bananas and thousands begged for a place in the team. We're going over all the applications and we might select one or two to join the team, as full-time rider or stagaire. So far most applicants don't even know what a bike is.
Another possibility was to move our assets to Panama, but we're glad we didn't because of the Panama Papers. Our tax evasion doesn't go thorugh Panama but through shell firms in the United States (Minions Cycling Inc.), Guatemala (Cycling for Guatemala Inc.), the US Virgin Islands (Thirtyandstilllivingwithmymom Inc.), Bermuda (Triangle Inc.) and the Netherlands (Bananananananana Inc.). We're 100 percent sure that the US Customs and Interpol will never find our top secret locations and tax evasion trace.
Anyway, we're looking forward to the next season and we will destroy all the other teams in a fashion never seen before.
The Minions are busy unpacking their boxes in the new HQ. The first painters have arrived and so has the new carpet. Suddenly a envelope came through the mailbox, which ruined the paintjob meaning we have to start all over again. Sir Kevin, in charge of everything right now, opened the envelope and read out loud:
Hello Minions,
There's an open spot in the PCT division. Interested?
This mysterious letter from an unknown sender caused a stirr in the HQ. Pro Continental, after our seventeenth place? They must be confusing us with some other team. But then the new came through that the teams above us refused promotion, and we were next on the list.
Sir Kevin called a board meeting with the other directors. It would be a great honor to race in the Pro Continental divsion, said Carl. However, Jerry brought up the point that our team would need a massive overhaul and that our current plans would be outdated. John thought we wouldn't have enough time to draft the new plans. Looking at the teams who got a shock promotion last year, Mike came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be smart to promote. Our PR-MinionPaul has no voting right but was also against, since he would need to change our official merchandise. Bob was prepared to take on the challenge. Stuart was also in favor.
This meant a 3 - 3 tie in the board room, with Sir Kevin needing to cast the decisive vote. "Gentlemen, after giving it a lot of thought and hearing your arguments I have decided...to eat a banana". After he had eaten his banana, he continued: "I have decided not to take the promotion spot".
And so, we heard that Euskaltel was saved from relegation. It could've been us, but we believe we belong in the Continental Tour at the moment, and that we should promote when we're ready.
We had to keep it a secret, and unlike our HQ locations we actually did it. Now we may finally reveal who will still ride for the team this season and who has been thrown out. Our renewals plan consisted of three phases:
One: Important, Improved and Reduced
The first round had priority towards our leaders (Kinney and Martinez), riders who improved over the winter (Griffith) and riders who would receive a major wage cut (Jones, Haga, Montenegro, Selander and Rathe). The first two parts went well. Both Kinney and Martinez were kept for the same wage as last year (120,000 bananas) and Griffith remained as well for 50,000. The third part went a little less successful as only Jones and Rathe accepted the initial offer of 50,000. Montenegro was furious and left for his home country Colombia. Or Montenegro, I'm not so sure anymore. He will not ride for us next season. Haga and Selander didn't accept either but were listening to new offers.
Two: Second chance and Second row
Both men did accept our second offer, which was 60,000 bananas. They will ride for the team again next year, but we hope a PT-team comes along and will loan them in. In return we have some space for PT-riders who need experience at CT. With Montenegro gone, we would now look at our second row of riders and offer one of them a new contract. The lucky one was Santambrogio, who has received praise for the way he replaced Tolleson as sprinter. We are looking for a star in that department in the upcoming transfer season though! We also released Duggan, Friedman, Gauthier, Howes and Murphy.
Three: Fillers
By now we had spend 560,000 bananas. Our goal was to spend half our salary budget (600,000) on renewals. We could afford to save one more rider to get an near-equal distribution (610 vs 590). The three candidates for the final spots were Esmaeli, Salas and Tolleson. The latter was the first one to get sacked because of his poor performances last year. This meant the Qatari and the Canadian would face off in a competition with the winner receiving a new contract. The challenge was who could eat the most bananas in under a minute, and this of course was a simple love for the banana lover himself, Esmaeli. He won and got the new contract, Salas is disappointed and has left the building. If we have some money left at the end of the transfer season we might offer him a second chance though.
Now, if you don't want to read everything we kept things simple in the following tables.
Minions v3 taking shape already! Great option for stage races, decent - could be great - option for the hills. Question is, for the first time, will you get a quality sprinter to make the team top-of-the-table quality?!
The Rider wrote:
Minions v3 taking shape already! Great option for stage races, decent - could be great - option for the hills. Question is, for the first time, will you get a quality sprinter to make the team top-of-the-table quality?!
Sprinter(s) are definately my main target. I hope to finally get a decent sprinter this year but my shortlist contains some riders who are a bit more than decent
Yes, for the third season in a row we want to finish in the top 10 of the rankings. This year we have a feeling we might pull it off.
Tour of the Middle East is a territory we haven't conquered before, but we will this year instead of our beloved Tour of America. Yes you heard that correctly, we won't be going to the Tour of America. We think Martinez is one of the contenders for the win in the biggest C2-event.
Kinney won a stage at the Tour of Pologne last year and finished in the top 5. We hope he can achieve the same result again.
USA Pro Cycling Challenge is also a goal we had last year, and the only one we achieved. Martinez should be capable of doing this again.
Possibly the hardest goal is the Volcan de Agua Classic close to our new tax-free headquarters in Guatemala. Martinez might be a strong climber but he has to have a great day in order to take the victory here. But dreams are there to be chased.
C2HC Calendar:
Race
Division
RD
Flag
Country
Great Ocean Road Classic
C2HC
2
Australia
Benelux Challenge
C2HC
6
Benelux
Geraardsbergen-Bosberg
C2HC
2
Belgium
San Marino Hill Classic
C2HC
2
San Marino
Tour of Bulgaria
C2HC
5
Bulgaria
Busan GP
C2HC
2
South Korea
Barcelona Classic
C2HC
2
Spain
Tour of Scotland
C2HC
5
United Kingdom
Sachsen-Anhalt Classic
C2HC
2
Germany
Post Danmark Rundt
C2HC
5
Denmark
Tour de Pologne
C2HC
7
Poland
USA Pro Cycling Challenge
C2HC
8
USA
Acropolis Cup
C2HC
2
Greece
GP Yekaterinburg
C2HC
2
Russia
Ruta America del Sur
C2HC
8
Chile, Bolivia, Argentina, Brazil
The good news is that our first choices were all accepted. Our C2HC calendar consists of many familiar races, including our goal races and the races on American soil, and some new faces with either downgraded or completely new races. We cannot announce the rest of our schedule yet, but it's certain we will go to the Tour of the Middle East and Volcan de Agua Classic as goal races, and unfortunately not to the Tour of America. We would've wanted to go there but with our aim at promotion we didn't think it was worth the risk even though we performed quite good there over the past two years. If we achieve promotion we will certainly return to race and send a viable candidate for the victory.
The tranfer market opened two days ago and the Minions stormed it, already on the 8 rider limit after 5 minutes! Of those eight we could convince four to sign for our team while the other four will most likely rider for other teams. Meet our new recruitments:
Jhonnatan De Leon
This Guatemalan climber/puncheur will go into the history books as the first rider signed in the 2016 transfer season. His wage is 50,000 bananas from his lovely home country.
Edwin Avila
Without a doubt our best sprinter ever (so far) but watch out for more. This Colombian quickman rode for the fallen Nutresa last year, but moves to the Continental division this season. For 50,000 bananas he's an absolute bargain.
Ethan Weiss
Surprised this one went quite under the radar. He showed himself last year in the colors of Gatorade and was present in many breakaways. What convinced us to sign him though was the fact that he has won stages from the breakaway. A lot of stages. We hope he can do the same here for 50,000 bananas.
Darren Matthews
Barbados and cobbles is not the most common relation, but this guy here sure knows his way around those diabolical surface and has a decent sprint as well. Yes, we signed a cobbler, and for only 50,000 bananas. A cobbler? Yes, a cobbler! Now who would have thought that? Certainly surprising to most of the Minions, as they were previously told to destroy them.
Colombia
United States
Belgium
Guatemala
Australia
Qatar
Poland
Bahamas
Brazil
Cuba
Barbados
Dominican Republic
/
/
/
Sebastian Salas
Mauro Santambrogio
Shaquille Sinclair
