The party was going strong, but we were running out of drinks. Who do you call? The Russians obviously! Oleg Tinkov dispatched two of his delivery boys to bring us a fresh batch of vodka.

Savva Novikov



Evgenii Tikhonin



Savva Novikov is a twenty-three year old climbing talent and Evgenii Tikhonin is a twenty-four year old hills talent. Both come on loan from Tinkoff for this season, after having raced on loan at HelloFresh last year. We welcome them to the team and hope they'll fit right in. As long as they bring the drinks that should be no problem.

More riders show up, surprised at the drunk Minions cheering them on. We're surprised no one just turned around and signed elsewhere.

Luis Enrique Lemus Davila



95,000 bananas for thirty-year old Mexican Luis Enrique Lemus Davila, who will be second-in-command to Cattaneo for the season. He's also familiar with other lieutenant Quintana, as the duo both rode for the defunct Mapei team. Picking up the best riders from disbanding teams has been a sound strategy this year.

Somewhere during the night, Jordan Cheyne disappeared from the party. Obviously concerned we started looking around, but we could not find him. Turns out they found him somewhere in Ireland, that guy had way too much to drink. He fell in love with the country and decided to stay there, but told an Irishman to come over here in return. We weren't notified so it led to some awkward scenes.

Felix English



Who are you?

English

What's your name?

English

We speak English, just tell us your name

My name is English

Yes but what is it then?

English

Are you English?

No I'm Irish

Then why do you say you're English?

Because I am

...

This went on for a few more minutes, but now we understand he's called Felix English and is not English but Irish. Thirty years old, wants 50,000 bananas and is very strong riding on flat roads. You can call him a poor man's Quispe.

Over the last few years we signed great puncheurs only to watch them fail miserably. This year we deliberately did not sign a huge name in this department, but there are some race days contested over hilly terrain. Therefore we need to have someone who is not unwilling to assuming leadership on this terrain.

Jasper Stuyven



Thirty-year old Jasper Stuyven will be our hills leader for the coming season. We're not kidding. The Belgium comes for a minimum wage and thus there is no pressure on him whatsoever. Beating the three points he scored last season while at Eurosport will be the goal for him, and leaves us without disappointment for the first time ever.

@Nemolito - Trying to find the words. It's hard...



Not many of you will remember the hectic transfer season of 2020 but one action then was engraved in our minds forever. Today, we've settled a big debt. We cannot overstate the significance of this signing.

Jerome Coppel



450,000 bananas should have been enough for time trial superstar Jerome Coppel to help us achieve promotion in 2020. The contract was signed, the Frenchman was on his way to our HQ for his official presentation, but less than an hour before his announcement we suddenly found his plane had "accidentally" gone to Yorkshire. No party, no promotion. While the freed up wage went to good use, we wouldn't have Bjerg otherwise, it left a sour taste in our mouth. Two years later we finally landed him, excluding the first digit of his wage. He's not the star he used to, but with a wealth of experience he's certainly not done, and will guide us to promotion this season!

@baseballlover312 - Bjerg prefers bananas over beer, sorry



Minutes before the transfer deadline, Minions - Subwoolfer added a final rider to their roster. This rider is a poorly paid intern, also known as a stagiare, and will ride select race days at the end of the season. Normally the teams stays away from this unethical practice but this year there was room and need for one.

Mulu Hailemichael



Mulu Hailemichael is the lucky one. Born in 1999, this rider from Ethiopia is a future climber, but it remains to be seen if he'll ride any races where that is important. With a signing from Africa we have a rider from all six inhabitable continents, bringing us closer to world domination. We did scout a promising penguin but turns out his flippers couldn't reach the handlebars.

@Croatia14 - riži, biži, te�a, veća, cikla, bikla



Avid followers of the team await the conformation of another departure. We're not talking about Jordan Cheyne whom we believe is drunk in Ireland as we speak, but rather our long-time cobblestone leader. The truth is, it was difficult to let him go and even more difficult to write about it. But here it has. Get ready to cry.

Ruben Zepuntke

The Sporf from Düsseldorf joined our team prior to the 2018 season for a then-record fee of 1.2 million bananas from Wiesenhof - Andritz. To be fair we had just gained a lot of them after letting Fattancourt go, but the record would stand until this season. His performances in his first year were significantly better than previous leader Albert, with a highlight of a second place in Chrono d'Arenberg when nobody knew about cobblestone time trials. He finished the season 54th in the rankings, we finally had a second leader alongside Uran.



For the 2019 season we put him in the wind tunnel and managed to improve his acceleration, something that had been a bit of a concern the previous season. The results would largely be the same, no wins but a lot of top tens, a season best of fifth in a race I can't pronounce. 76th in the individual PCT rankings was still well worth the money. Scandalously he wasn't picked for the cobblestone WC, which surely should have seen him beat Wisniowski!



The 2020 season brought him another podium place with a third place finish in that same Polish race. Another highlight of the season was beating Blythe in the E3 Prijs, who would win Paris - Roubaix a few days later. A shame we were denied a wildcard, otherwise we would surely have had a monument to our name. The final rankings show him in 95th place, fourth amongst the team, but by now the German was already a team legend.



Team legends are willing to go the extra mile, so we pumped 1.7 million bananas into his blood stream to finally get his first win. Last we checked that is not on the doping list, so completely legal. Everyone got scared of the Cobblinator and forced him to do all the dirty work during the race, resulting in empty lungs at the end of the race. He couldn't even win the German Championship even though we made sure the route would only contain cobblestones. With a fifth place in Dunkirk as season's best, he scored 222 points during the season to finish 100th.



We were in two minds about him going into this season. He is a good result scorer, a very pleasant guy and most importantly does not demand many bananas, but with cobblestone races being removed from the calendar we either need someone who maximizes those points or not bother at all. We tried to sign a replacement but failed, as the market for cobblestone riders got to a point where even I could have earned tonnes of bananas.

Elsewhere, we had just broke his old record by signing Mattia Cattaneo for 1.3 million. To let you in on a little secret: we did not have that amount of money in our bank account, but if Barcelona could end up billions in debt so could we. However, we are not a football team and apparently the regulations in cycling are water tight, so we had to make money. We tried selling Kalaba but we couldn't close a deal. We were contacted by a Nigerian prince who would give us millions if we gave him some bananas, but that turned out to be the latest scam of Fulgencio Bru. We tried everything, so we had to make that decision.

From the start of the season a manager by the name of Memolito, I think, had been bothering us about signing Ruben. The negotiations were friendly but weren't going anywhere really. He couldn't offer much, then he could offer more but we didn't want to sell, but perhaps they sold some more chicken because an offer of 525,000 was just enough to balance our books, so we took it. We might have gotten more if we didn't need the money but we had to get it done before someone who make a stupid drunk move at our infamous party, or worse one during the hangover.

Next year Ruben Zepuntke will ride for Los Pollos Hermanos in the ProTour. He will ride the monuments like Ronde van Vlaanderen and Paris - Roubaix, his big dreams he could not achieve here. Other teams look on in fear as they know those two races are now out of reach. We will miss his muddy face after a race, the "we need ze punkte" jokes, and most of all his endless fighting spirit.

So long Ruben, these zero punkte are for you!

@jandal7 - Laughing? Crying...



Today is the day we revise the 2022 iteration of Minions - Subwoolfer, a big change over the past year with many riders coming and going. Meet the twenty-two banana loving creatures with their flashy dance moves below:





Our new top dog, Mattia broke the transfer record and with such price tag comes big responsibility. Very comparable to Uran in his prime so watch out in stage races with time trials.



Even though a departure was touted, Daniel gets another season as sprint leader. Performances have to improve compared to last season though, otherwise it is game over.



Time trials is the favorite discipline of Rohan, but this Australian bloke can survive longer climbs. Makes him dangerous for various races in the PCT scene.



He came close to leaving, but Dusan remains our secondary sprinter. His calendar is similar to last season, lead sprinter in smaller races and taking on some prologues as well.



Seven years have passed since we last had Nathan, but oh boy has he grown up. A perfect replacement for Haga who will be coaching him in those hybrid races.



Last season's revelation Alvaro demands more chances to sprint for himself. He has definitely deserved those, while also doubling as Vesely's lead out in important races.



From Mexico we have Luis Enrique, our new mountains super domestique. When not supporting Cattaneo he'll have leadership in select smaller races with climbs.



After Zepuntke's departure, Laurens finds himself as the surprising new cobblestone leader. While HC races might be a bar too high, we've accomodated his schedule for some C2 action.



Kazushige can do basically anything, which makes us want to start him in every race possible. Sprint: check, time trial: check, climb a bit: check.



Mountains support is muy importante so we signed Dayer to help. Not quite his elder brother but not too shabby when the gradients get steep.



Our new senior rider, as Leandro now has the longest tenure of any active rider going into his seventh season. The Cuban will target the cobblestones and the hills as always.



Not many racedays will suit Mathias with our new direction on the classics. He'll ride them, and is happy to carry the bottles wherever he is required.



Not really a flashy leader for the hills, but I'll bet Jasper will not be the worst ever given our history on this terrain. No expectations so any point is celebrated like a win.



The time trial star of the future, Mikkel is ready to take it to the next level. Expectations are high as we've reserved a closet for the white jersey he'll inevitably win.



The first of two Russian loan-ins is Evgenii. He'll be here to learn so next year mister Tinkoff has a stronger puncheur in his squad.



A legend going for his last hurray. We're happy to have finally landed Jerome even though realistically time trials are the only thing he gets out of bed for anymore.



Felix likes a terrain not often heard: the flat. We have various uses for him, ranging from late attacker to lead-out to workhorse.



Also a long presence with the team, as Laureano enters season five. A nice rider to have for team time trials or in a train if necessary.



Loanee number two, future climbing star Savva. He is a year younger than his compatriot but just as experienced, so he knows how to handle a bike already.



Another future climbing star but this one is fully ours. It will be Didier's first season in the professionals but wind tunnel data shows he's ready to climb.



The Benjamin of the squad, Jan's first season will be dedicated to learning, learning, learning. Next season we'll see where he stands and where we want to take him.



Finally our stagiare. You won't see Mulu much this season but when he does ride, he'll make sure to soak in all the experience.

@TheManxMissile - I hope he does, proudly in his Cuban overall
@Nemolito - jandal is just jealous he didn't have the money to sign him



With the addition of Subwoolfer to the team, we thought we would update our jersey for the upcoming season. An obvious change would be to add a tie to the outfit, but wind tunnel testing showed a negative impact on the aerodynamics. Please don't tell this to Kraftwerk, they might actually improve their results.

Of course, we wouldn't want to disappoint everyone expecting a tie, so we found a solution. Instead of a regular tie, the riders will be wearing stylish, black bow ties. They are not flapping around all the time, remain in position and do not reduce performances. In fact, it might even improve the results because other teams are too busy looking at our drip.

Other changes are adding the names Minions and Subwoolfer to the overall, for the few people who don't know how they look like. To accommodate this, the overall is slightly wider. It took a lot of effort to find the optimal dimensions, and we are proud of the work of this designer.



The style of the national champions jerseys remain the same, with their flags incorporated in the overall. We have a special jersey for Cuba (Marcos, RR), the Czech Republic (Vesely, RR), Italy (Cattaneo, TT) and Serbia (Kalaba, RR).

Down Under Classic
January 9, HC



The season opens Down Under with the Down Under Classic, a short sprinters criterium around the Albert Park F1 Circuit. Vesely is our Schumacher here, with Hodeg as super Barrichello.

We did work all day and caught the break but in the process we had to sacrifice the Colombian. Vesely had to surf on other trains and found rivals Kraftwerk. He briefly passed Zabel for the lead but the finish line was 100 meters too far, dropping him down to seventh.

1	Lahcen Saber	Colombini-Adler Aalterpaint	1h40'16
7	Daniel Vesely	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
108	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
114	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
131	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
135	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
168	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
171	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
173	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.

Tour Down Under
January 13 - 18, HC



The team stays in Australia in almost the same composition, flying in Kuboki to relief Hodeg, but the goal remains the same: help Vesely in the sprints.

Our leadout of only the Japanese failed on stage one, resulting in ninth place. We added English to the front for stage two and it paid dividends, only beaten by stage winner Eislers. Stage four saw another great opportunity with the Czech crossing the line first, disregarding the breakaway stage winner. The final stage was a big miss though. Still, two second places is almost a win, right?

Stages three and five were crucial for the GC, and Vesely limited his losses to take eighteenth in the GC as well as third in the points classification. The big surprise of the race was young loanee Tikhonin, who took the white jersey after the first stage. Many young riders had lost time in the split so when the hills rolled around he could defend easily, and take to the podium for our first jersey of the season. Unfortunately every broadcaster had stopped coverage at this point, so no imagery exists.

1	Jay McCarthy	Amaysim Cervelo	18h54'13
18	Daniel Vesely	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'43
31	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 2'22
32	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
41	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'01
56	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
98	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 5'25
134	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
183	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 9'20

Hong Kong Challenge
January 25 - 27, C1



Two hilly stages and a time trial is a prime recipe for Cattaneo or Dennis, but we can't put them everywhere out of fear or a burnout. Therefore, Brown is given leadership in his return to the team. While we expect him to do well, we're not expecting him to beat everyone by ten minutes like the other two would have done.

The expectations became true on stage one, where he lost a minute to the front group of mostly puncheurs. He clawed back some time on the time trial to put him thirteenth heading into the final stage. The final climb is where he should have been at the front but he wasn't even close, dropping down to seventeenth. We don't now how Cattaneo and/or Dennis would have done, but our guess is better.

Stuyven appeared on the breakaway on stage one but was dropped well before the finale. We have the pictures to prove it.

1	Timofey Kritskiy	Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	8h13'18
17	Nathan Brown	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'15
28	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'49
53	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'58
96	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 11'25
131	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 16'33
138	Laureano Rosas	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 18'11
142	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 18'45
164	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 25'13