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Diary of a N00b : Team Pro Atomic Flying Badger
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| Ian Butler |
Posted on 09-08-2012 14:10
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 21854
Joined: 01-05-2012
PCM$: 400.00
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Awesome race report 
btw Adams is a scruffy looking nerf herder, sound familiar? 
Edited by Ian Butler on 09-08-2012 14:11
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| sutty68 |
Posted on 09-08-2012 15:06
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 34654
Joined: 22-08-2010
PCM$: 200.00
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Another win  , this story is getting better by the minute  |
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Posted on 24-11-2024 01:59
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| NexSix |
Posted on 12-08-2012 01:10
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Junior Rider
Posts: 29
Joined: 06-08-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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Firstly on behalf of Team Pro Atomic Badger and Head Coach Dick de Rijke, I would like to apologise for a lack of photographs (screenshots) as have been promised in the last update! TFB had spent a lucrative 7 Euros on appointing a match day photographer however upon departure for Italy, said photographer declared that he did not have a passport and could make the trip. Luckily the man was fired on the spot and the 7 Euro was put into the team slush fund and used appropriately (Jason Neilson’s is rumoured to now have an issue featuring twins! )
(Or to be more realistic my computer froze as the race ended and I could not go back and get any screen shots!)
To compensate, here is a picture of a flying badger. And some minor famous British actor blatantly ripping off Dick de Rijke’s trademark hand posture. This update will also feature an “artists” interpretation of events! Now, ever onwards my friends !! : D
EPISODE / RACE NUMBER THREE : Trofio Zssdi (AKA Badgers don’t do hills ! )
Team Pro Atomic Flying Badger set off to the Italian / Slovakian border for the next race in their calendar. On paper the timid straights and sweet downhill’s seemed another guaranteed number one slot again for TFB main man Derek Quy. However due to some pretty daunting climbs it was decided that Freddy Brackstone would lead the team out. It was a pretty simple concept. The team would race the straights together. Adam’s would collect the feeds and Brackstone would use his skill on the hills to punch his way into the lead pack. Derek Quy was given a free role with the others taking it in turns to protect Brackstone and Quy on the steep climbs. All looked in good order until race day arrived.
Upon seeing the entry for the race, Dick de Rijke noticed that it was slot full of Italian riders who had been riding these hills for most of their lives. TFB were out of their league, comfort zone and every other cliché that you could think of! Still with no time for extra preparation the team had a plan and its execution was imminent.
The race started well in the blistering heat, the first spanner in the TFB plan was a need for water within the first quarter of the race. The contours of the course as well as the heat saw the rider’s drinking water like it was out of fashion. Adams was sent back to get the teams first re fill. With a major climb followed by a fast downhill Dick de Rijke thought it safe to send Adams back again for a second time before the real hills started.
40km from the end and the downhill’s were really splitting the peloton. Yates, Wilcox and Quy got trapped and forced further back in the field than they liked. However things were still good for the rest of the team. Dick de Rijke tried to remember that focus this time was not on Quy but on the puncher, Freddy Brackstone. As the final few hills started to roll riders from the peloton began to attack forming a breakaway group. This was the chance and Brackstone ordered to attack.
Now, don’t get me wrong. If this had been the Yorkshire dales, young Brackstone would have been peddling along humming a tune and calmly whipping Johnny foreigner “hill expert” into dust while pausing to sneer and give rude hand gestures before resuming said leisurely pace and winning ! NO ! This was Trofio Zssdi . Brackstone attacked and attacked hard but it became apparent that his uphill sprint was considered “normal speed” for many of the Italian hill experts who cruised past. Insult to injury followed as previous TFB rival Russell Downing of Endura Racing whipped past Brackstone who was now puffing and panting like an overweight man on a treadmill.
Rider after rider flew past Freddy who just kept on going he reached the crest of the hill and free wheeled over line to place.......just.
TFB race leader Freddy Brackstone crossed the line at 25th. Dick de Rijke face palmed. The whole plan had come undone! What was worse, after the 2nd downhill Adams had started making car noises whenever he hit a drop? By the third “Reeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwww” Dick de Rijke had lost all faith in humanity let alone the outcome of the race! Licking their wounded pride TFB would have to return to England and prepare for the next race on the calendar. And maybe think about scouting one of these up and coming “Italian Hill Experts” as frankly, that last one took the piss.
Wow guys.. hills wtf ? Really looking forwards to mountains...... not ! To be fair though a review of the stats of the 24 in front showed that they all had av of between 68 – 77 and all but about 3 or 4 had 69 -72 in MO and Hills.
Couple of bogeys in thier with crappy stats but I assume they attacked at good times or just follow'ed someone in and hit a good sprint.
Maybe I should have gone with Quy ? I was not anticipating that a follow train only hits at the 3-4 km part. By then the break away had 1-10 sorted + my guy could not hill sprint if his life depended on it despite a low average ( compared to the field ) hill attribute. Am I missing a tactic here ?
Bit worried now, got a few hill stages coming up and ive heard mountains are the real ball ache !!
Edited by NexSix on 12-08-2012 01:20
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| baseballlover312 |
Posted on 12-08-2012 01:16
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 16429
Joined: 27-07-2011
PCM$: 10438.70
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*facepalm*
But this story is amazing.
RIP Exxon Duke, David Veilleux, Double Feature, and Monster Energy |
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| Ian Butler |
Posted on 12-08-2012 07:25
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 21854
Joined: 01-05-2012
PCM$: 400.00
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Well, I think you made the right choice of rider for the race but it just worked out wrong, things like that happen.
However, I think Adams is the greatest rider alive so when's he going to attack at lightspeed? |
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| NexSix |
Posted on 14-08-2012 21:19
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Junior Rider
Posts: 29
Joined: 06-08-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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EPISODE / RACE NUMBER FOUR : Kattekoers.
Damien Dutton. Or “Fatty” Dutton as he was better known to his team mates was signed onto TFB as a bit of an accident. When setting up the team Dick de Rijke had accepted the sponsorships and deals set up by a few major and minor youth cycling clubs. During a phone call to the “Slough Slugs” Dick de Rijke accidently agreed to sign their best rider. Dick should have been more aware when he realised the team name but he was even more shocked when the 16 stone “Fatty” Dutton walked into training. “What ? We didn’t order any Pizza !” de Rijke exclaimed thinking it a lost delivery guy. “No boss” the rider explained “Im Damien Dutton” true to form Dick de Rijke face palmed.
Kattekoers, Belgium land of craft and beer. Following the dire event that was the Hills of Trofio Zssdi de Rijke thought it only fair that the team got a day off training to relax in Belgium and forget the whole debacle. In true form, Neilson found his way to the nearest bar and drank himself into oblivion on Kwak ( the one in the funky glass ). Therefore made himself unavailable for Kattekoers. With much reluctance de Rijke decided to bring “Fatty” Dutton in as a replacement water boy and give Adams the responsibility of riding. “Thanks coach” Adams proclaimed. “I’ll be like Luke Skywalker.... a bloody hero” de Rijke mentally face palmed... more like C3PO he thought to himself. “ You won’t regret this !” Knowing he would, de Rijke retired for the night with the race looming.
The next day whilst the team practiced cobbles and sprints, de Rijke and Pavel Vainikis discussed tactics. This race was obviously going to be one for the Belgians. TFB top man Derek Quy was ranked as an outsider for the race but was about 30th in a list of Belgian riders and teams who would be eager to take this one home on home soil. The plan, as many for flats consisted of the team creating a train with Quy sling shoting off the back. Team Endura was an obvious competitor but their no entry to the race somewhat buoyed de Rijke. Key differences however would be that TFB would attempt to lead the peloton early to protect against attacks. This role, shockingly would fall on Star Wars obsessed Frank Adams.
Race day arrived, as predicted the main rivals would be Landbouwkrediet – Euphony (LAN) and Accent.Jobs (ACC) both Belgian outfits. Dick de Rijke sniggered as he saw the team names and wondered how they had come with such daft names! Still the race began well, the TFB riders with the exception of “Fatty” Dutton took up their places and worked their way to the front of the Peloton. Pavel Vainikis had to quickly leave Dick de Rijke’s side to sort an issue with one of the race marshals who had mistaken Dutton for an escaped elephant from the local zoo. Luckily the marshal allowed Dutton to continue racing. Although Vainikis was not sure if this was because he had accepted the fact Dutton was a rider or because he had incapacitated himself due to laughing so hard.
The half race mark arrived as did the first t set of cobbles the previous cobble training and ensuring the lead of the Peloton resulted in no hitches and progress being made on the breakaway group. De Rijke quietly hoped that his team could keep this up. Looking at his watch and taking into account the weather De Rijke thought it time for the traditional water stop. Adams was however working admirably at the front of the pack. “Dutton” de Rijke had selected his man“ HEW HAW HEW HAW Bosss HE HAWW HEEE HAWWW” “Fucking hell Dutton you sound like a female donkey trying to give birth!” Dick de Rijke scolded. “Anyway, get some water for the boys, you’re at the back anyway” “HEE HAWW HEEE HAWWW yes boss” Dick de Rijke face palmed, “That boys going to have a bloody heart attack he’s breathing so hard. Why is a 16 stone man on a racing bike?" Second coach Pavel Vainikis shrugged “ 15 stone, he’s shed 1 since he joined the team” again, de Rijke face palmed. To be fair he did not care as long as the rest of Team Pro Flying Atomic Badger got its water.
Shockingly after a briefly being accused of cheating ( a commentator accidently mistook Dutton for a Mini Metro ) Dutton made it all the way to the front handing out water until slinking back into the peloton a silent look of victory on his face. The rest of TFB pushed on, through the two inclines and toward the finish.
Coming into the last 15k de Rijke gave the order to Adams to set the pace and the rest of TFB to fall into line. “Roger, Rogue Leader, this is Red 5 going into Hyperdrive” de Rijke face palmed. Regardless of Adams obsession he had started a good pace TFB were battling ACC for the lead. The two trains, both comprised of 6 riders from their respective teams fought tooth and nail into the final 6.
Adams peels off as TFB and ACC battle for the lead.
Adams’ peeled off for Yates who pulled the two trains past the breakaway group and towards the finish. During the cross over the TFB and ACC had merged their trains causing some confusion into the final 3km. Calamity had struck ! During the cross over Freddy Brackstone and Derek Quy had been cut off as the lead rider of the ACC train bounced onto the back of Rouse's wheel !
Yates pulls the group past the break away as the two trains collide, losing Brackstone and Quy.
To make matters worse riders from LAN had also caught up and started looking ready to make their final sprint. Into the final 1.6km the ACC team had streamed ahed leaving TFB in a bit of a shambles knowing it was now or never Dick de Rijke pressed broadcast on his com. "SPRINTTTTTTTTT" he screamed.
Dick de Rijke gave the Sprint order. Brackstone and Quy made a break for the finish line from inside the minor pack of riders that had developed. Once again, Quy showed his pure power as he burst for the line. He screamed past one then two ACC riders. Derek Quy had taken it once again ! The most convincing TFB win so far by a clear distance, if this was not enough Freddy Brackstone, the hero of Trofio Zssdi flew in to secure 2nd position infront of the stream of ACC riders, who had been predicted to win. Dick de Rijke let out a rare whoop of joy his team had won it ! Forty five minutes after Derek Quy had won; Damien “Fatty” Dutton crossed the line. Having given up 20 km from the end and deciding to push his bike.
Derek Quy wins Kattekoers by a definative margin.
Sorry Belgium, Team Pro Atomic Flying Badger just pwned your asses.
Wow, cant belive that one. If I had reacted faster maybe i could have pushed Wilcox, Rouse and Barnwell higher as well as I am pretty sure I did not tell them to sprint at the end !
I also forgot just how explosive Quy is. This was my most convincing win yet on PCM12. Well chuffed with that.
Also the Istrian Spring Trophy next... TFB first stage race *bites nails *
Edited by NexSix on 14-08-2012 21:48
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| baseballlover312 |
Posted on 14-08-2012 21:29
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 16429
Joined: 27-07-2011
PCM$: 10438.70
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Put the screenshots where they fit in the story.
RIP Exxon Duke, David Veilleux, Double Feature, and Monster Energy |
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| NexSix |
Posted on 14-08-2012 21:37
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Junior Rider
Posts: 29
Joined: 06-08-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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Sorry ! Better ?
Still getting the hang of this story writing and including pictures stuff !
Edited by NexSix on 14-08-2012 21:38
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| baseballlover312 |
Posted on 14-08-2012 21:45
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 16429
Joined: 27-07-2011
PCM$: 10438.70
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Perfect! 
RIP Exxon Duke, David Veilleux, Double Feature, and Monster Energy |
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| Pinktay3 |
Posted on 14-08-2012 23:57
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Breakaway Specialist
Posts: 959
Joined: 08-04-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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Absolutely loving this story. Keep it up |
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| Ian Butler |
Posted on 15-08-2012 07:54
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 21854
Joined: 01-05-2012
PCM$: 400.00
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Awesome, The Return of the Flying Badgers! sounds like a movie |
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| sutty68 |
Posted on 15-08-2012 08:42
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 34654
Joined: 22-08-2010
PCM$: 200.00
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Mistaking Dutton for a Mini Metro he he |
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| NexSix |
Posted on 16-08-2012 11:47
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Junior Rider
Posts: 29
Joined: 06-08-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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Right, just to let you know. Im off on holiday for two weeks as the old English weather is about as trustworthy as the late great Michael Jackson visiting a school.
So, if there is not an update for a bit, Team Pro Atomic Flying Badger HAS NOT folded. I will be back to update and play after my hols
I shall leave you a poster pin up of TFB rider Damien Dutton , posing with his bike.
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| sutty68 |
Posted on 16-08-2012 12:53
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 34654
Joined: 22-08-2010
PCM$: 200.00
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Have a nice holiday |
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| Ian Butler |
Posted on 16-08-2012 13:16
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 21854
Joined: 01-05-2012
PCM$: 400.00
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Enjoy, and be back for the Flying Badger!
Red Leader out |
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| NexSix |
Posted on 28-08-2012 14:55
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Junior Rider
Posts: 29
Joined: 06-08-2012
PCM$: 200.00
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EPISODE / RACE NUMBER FIVE : The Istrian Spring Trophy
With Belgians the world over crying, TFB progressed on to Croatia to perhaps their first real trial on the pro circuit. The Istrian Spring Trophy, things looked quite straight forward on this 4 stager. Time Trial, Hills more bloody Hills and a Flat. Dick de Rijke was excited, having splashed a good 15k on new tyres, wheels and even some more TFB logo water bottles he was confident that his team could cope a little better with the task ahead. Tragically a day before the team were going to leave for Croatia de Rijke received a phone call from Adams mum. Allegedly Adams had “broken his millennium falcon” so needed a week for compassion. Still ignoring this injury de Rijke was happy enough to take Parnaby along instead, knowing to well that Fatty Dutton would need at least a month to get over the last race. So the team and plan were put into motion.
Parnaby and Neilson were in; de Rijke had pencilled their roll in as “Water boys” So to were Barwell, Wilcox and Yates. Being pretty decent riders these three were set up to protect more important riders and generally support. Rouse was in as the TFB Time trial expert; outside of the first race he would also be acting as support. TFB Poster Boy Derek Quy would be swapping roles with Freddy Brackstone. As Brackstone was technically the Hill expert he would be taking the lead on races 2 and 3 with Quy falling in as support. In the final race, Quy would once again try his luck on the flats.Having arrived in Croatia TFB set up for the night in their Youth Hostel ( once again, the comfortable option ) on the eve of the Istrian Spring Trophy. De Rijke was ready, as was TFB all that stood in their way was a Time Trial... and more cursed mountains.
STAGE ONE : TIME TRIAL
Dick de Rijke did not have his hopes set to high for the Time Trial stage as TFB had little to no experience in the area. The competition also looked quite stiff. However the riders set off one by one on the short track. Wilcox and Yates were the first two TFB riders to set off. Coming in at 3rd and 8th de Rijke suddenly began to figure that perhaps things were not going to be as bleak as he first expected. As rider after rider set off de Rijke’s trademark hand gesture became more and more common as TFB riders either failed to make the board or slipped further and further down it. With Yates holding on at 10th and about half the field done it was the turn of Ed Rouse. He flew out of the gates like a Badger on fire! (for those who have never seen this, I firstly suggest you don’t try it... it’s illegal to set fire to animals of any kind and secondly can assure you its bloody fast ! ) De Rijke began to bite his nails, this kid was quick all he had to do was keep his momentum up and he might just place in the top 10. Looking at the board de Rijke was suddenly aware of just how good things were going, bugger top 10 Rouse was heading for top 5 ! In a flurry of pedals Ed Rouse shot past the line! The time keepers confirmed it, Ed Rouse had taken 2nd place! However things were far from over, 4 more TFB riders had to go along with just under half the field .
De Rijke watched the time trial his nerves really showing, after a really poor showing from both Brackstone and Quy all he could do was watch as Rouse slowly shifted down the rankings. Sat in 9th position with 10 riders left de Rijke was now starting to really feel the heat. Five more finished, each trial now seemed to last for about twenty minutes but Rouse held on. Then, with four more to go someone cracked to top 10, leaving Rouse in the 10th spot. De Rijke got his right hand ready, he knew any second now he would have to launch an almighty ( perhaps world ending?) face palm as some fool knocked his man into 11th. Four to go, Three to go, Two to go, Last one.....
HOLY LANCE AMSTRONG ON A ROCKET PROPELLED BIKE!!!! He had done it?! Unthinkable Ed Rouse had held on. 10th spot on the Time Trial. Dick de Rijke considered kissing the person next to him, when he saw it was a very sweaty Les Barnwell he quickly changed his mind and punched the air ! A great start to the Istrian Spring Trophy, an utter shocker and a proud moment for Team Atomic Pro Flying Badger !
Ed Rouse hold onto the number 10 spot on the podium.
NSP Ghost take the top team spot. But like Ed Rouse, TFB hang onto rank 10.
Ed Rouse finish's the Time Trial as the 4th best Young Rider.
Well the little break sitting in the Iberian sun must have done me good as I pretty much nailed that first bit. Unfortunatly missed a lot of the Vuelta dispite being so close and shocking news re: Lance Armstong ! Although this is not the time or place to discuss him ! (well technically maybe the place but you know what I mean)
Spent some time reading up on how to do Time Trials and then pracitced a bit as I do on a first time race. Got some god awefull times ( best I managed was about 50th ! ) Then I read some more, perfected my technique then found out that like World of Warcraft, Gear seriously effects your cyclists ! I bought some new stuff for the team and ended up with the result before you now.
Right will possibly have a few more races and write them up tonight or tomorrow. I have bought some mountain gear so fingers crossed Freddy can work his magic this time !
Edited by NexSix on 28-08-2012 15:00
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| Ian Butler |
Posted on 28-08-2012 15:01
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 21854
Joined: 01-05-2012
PCM$: 400.00
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Again, an excellent report.
Too bad he broke his Millennium Falcon, though... |
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| baia |
Posted on 28-08-2012 23:09
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Grand Tour Specialist
Posts: 5398
Joined: 04-10-2007
PCM$: 200.00
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Amazing read... TFB is on fire...keep it up.
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| pcm2009fan |
Posted on 02-09-2012 23:37
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Protected Rider
Posts: 1105
Joined: 30-07-2010
PCM$: 200.00
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I think we're all having a great laugh reading this Keep it up!
I Hope Adams recovers soon - poor guy  |
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| sutty68 |
Posted on 03-09-2012 09:25
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Tour de France Champion
Posts: 34654
Joined: 22-08-2010
PCM$: 200.00
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Nice performance from Ed Rouse
And the '' Millennium Falcon '' was a classic |
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