Santander is a city in Cantabria, Spain. It might also be a banking group, but I'm confident the sponsor of the team is the city. Actually, yes, I'm certain. It's the city.
Average Age
28.25
Average Average
72.68
Money Spent on Training
€1,600,000
Best Rider
Angel Madrazo (Average 81.58, €1,100,000) has the highest average in the entire game. He's OK.
Worst Rider
Juan Abenhamar Gallego Martin (Average 70, €50,000) is a great fighter. Unfortunately, cycling tends to frown on the jab-hook combo. Also has too many names.
Satan's Hair are a hugely one-dimensional team, with stage races being the focal point of the team. They have gone into the season looking to achieve the unprecedented, to win all three Grand Tours in a single season. Having seen their schedule (Madrazo's schedule in particular is hilarious), they could quite easily do it. Also, I'm pretty sure their Tour de France team counts as cheating. Madrazo and Tenorio are just sensational leaders, and to have both of them in one team is terrifying, and they have great support from Valls and Lopez Garcia, who both will pick up points when their leaders aren't racing.
They have sweet f*** all for any other terrain.
The team is also completely Spanish. Which makes them xenophobic racists. Just like the French.
Fester-in-a-Canal-
Sponsor
Festina make watches, Canal+ is a French TV channel.
Average Age
25.61
Average Average
73.60
Money Spent on Training
€5,900,000
Best Rider
Simon Spilak (Average 81.50, €820,000) has been "improved" over the transfer season, and is now legally considered a cyborg.
Worst Rider
Pananananananagiotis Vlatos (Average 70.83, €50,000) is strong against the clock, but may struggle to climb up to his room if the team hotel has anything more than two floors.
Wholesale changes at Christina, as last season's team leaders Contador, Fothen and Ulissi leave, to be replaced by Spilak, Ricco and Ratiy. Then the team spent a fair few pennies on training, turning Spilak into the joint best climber in the world, and who I'd now rate as the finest stage racer in the world. Riccardo Ricco is dangerous, especially in Italy (and also in Bhutan, purely for militaristic reasons), and Ratiy will pick up points consistently. Guerao is a good sprinter, although he may struggle over tougher terrain.
What's most dangerous about this squad though is the number of riders who have not yet maxxed out, and just how good this squad will be in several seasons time. Pierre-Henri Lecuisinier could be France's next Tour de France winner (for realsies this time), and as a manager of a French team myself, I'm not even slightly jealous. I mean, yes, I have a highly trained team of ex-Special Forces currently on their way to kidnap him, but that's purely coincidental.
The cobbles will terrify most of the team, except, bizarrely, Simon Spilak.
Let Australians Post
Sponsor
Lotto is the Belgian Lottery, Australia Post is the Australian Postal Service
Average Age
27.48
Average Average
72.96
Money Spent on Training
€0
Best Rider
Damiano Cunego (Average 81.33, €1,050,000) is in his last season before his stats decline, therefore, according to UCI rule 7.2.3, the Giro d'Italia will be replayed until he wins.
Lost Australian Post have management game legend Damiano Cunego continuing as their team leader, but have brought in Marcus Burghardt to lead over the cobbles, and Daniele Bennati for sprints. Everyone knows what Cunego is about, and, given his schedule, is perfectly capable of ensuring survival all by himself. Burghardt is now the best cobbler in the game, given the decline of Tom Boonen, so this could be the year we see him take a triple crown, especially with Evert Verbist supporting him. Daniele Bennati has declined as a sprinter, so it will be interesting to see how he does this season.
After that, they have the always hard to judge Dimitri Claeys. Everything about him suggests he'll be terrible, apart from that glorious hill stat. From a physiological perspective, I'm fairly sure his stats should be impossible for a actual human being, so I'm fairly sure some sort of gene splicing has occurred there.
Felix English is Irish, which amuses me more than it should.
Volcanoes Accumulating
Sponsor
Still sponsored by a motherf***ing volcano. Compared to that, I don't give a s*** what Accumalux does
Average Age
25.58
Average Average
73.31
Money Spent on Training
€1,200,000
Best Rider
Andy Schleck (Average 81.33, €870,000) is confused when given a time trial bike.
Worst Rider
Jaime Suaza (Average 75.33, €120,000) is a ruined husk of a rider, caused by stagnating at his previous team for six seasons. Can't remember which team that was though...
Schleck and Schleck will be crucial for Vagina Aclimax, and they have a schedule where when Schleck is racing, then Schleck won't be racing, and the same the other way, so when Schleck is racing, Schleck won't be racing. This means that Schleck and Schleck will spread their race days over as far a range of races as possible, which could lead to the most amount of points. However, when Schleck is racing in stage races, his best support would be Schleck, and when Schleck is racing in hilly terrain, then Schleck would be one of his most valuable lieutenants, so Schleck and Schleck may struggle without the support of Schleck and Schleck respectively.
Ben Swift will be useful in the sprints, but this is another team where the sight of cobbles will make the riders break out into nervous sweats.
Edited by Crommy on 06-04-2014 15:59
Becherovka is some kind of alcoholic drink, Kiwibank provides baking. That was a mistype, but I'm keeping it now.
Average Age
24.96
Average Average
72.11
Money Spent on Training
€6,925,000
Best Rider
Sam Bewley (Average 81.25, €850,000) suffers from Rickets due to lack of sunlight from living in Boonen's shadow.
Worst Rider
If the writer of this preview had any kind of moral decency, any level of humanity whatsoever, then kudos should be given to the manager for signing Nazir Jaser (Average 67.08, €50,000), a rider from a country torn apart by civil war (Syria). Fortunately however, that is not the case, and he is a waste of valuable (yet entirely fictional) equipment.
Sam Bewley will be looking for the triple cobbled crown, and with an ageing Tom Boonen, this could be a season where he potentially does it. Velits and Rujano are good stage racers, but not great, and I'd say Uran was better. Lack a good puncheur too, so despite all the training, if Bewley doesn't rake in the points, it could be worrying season for the team. Luckily, he does. Paris - Roubaix is a really exciting race, I couldn't believe it when Bewley entered the velodrome with Bo...
Team Boats and 'oes
Sponsor
Bang & Olufsen make audio products, television sets and telephones. I cannot afford any of them. They are also responsible for 90% of uses of the ampersand.
Average Age
26.81
Average Average
73.49
Money Spent on Training
€2,000,000
Best Rider
Aleksandr Pluchkin (Average 81.00, €850,000) once climbed the Lonely Mountain, despite it being fictional.
Worst Rider
Thomas Riber-Sellebjerg (Average 71.33, €50,000), despite rumours to the contrary, is such a bad climber that he can't physically look up.
Team Banging Olaf's Son have had a quiet transfer period, and keep a largely unchanged squad from last season. Pluchkin is one of the finest climbers in the world, after that they have about ten riders who should consistently pick up points, including Guldhammer and Keinath. The lack of top leaders and instead going for strength in depth is an unusual strategy, and I'm not going to predict whether this works or not because I'll inevitably be wrong.
I like this team a lot though, always have. Great ethos, always seem to get good results. The shirt looks sexy as hell. I've ordered 500 in extra small, which is a bizarre decision given I'm an XXXL.
Aku Aku - SHOT. More on this at 11
Sponsor
Aker Solutions is a Norwegian oil service, whilst the MOT is the Ministry of Transport in the UK. Nice to see them sponsoring the non-motor variety of transport.
Average Age
25.95
Average Average
73.10
Money Spent on Training
€2,000,000
Best Rider
Edvald Boasson Hagen (Average 80.92, €820,000)
Worst Rider
Anders Lund (Average 68.58, €50,000) will finally max out next season at the grand old age of 27. Has yet to convince his family he is good enough to be a professional cyclist. They think he's just on a very long gap year
Ass is HOT have had an interesting transfer period, selling Simon Spilak who is one of the finest stage racers in the world, and bringing in Contador and Anton. Anton is to be used as a super-domestique for Contador, which is possibly one of the strongest season-long partnerships in the ProTour, which will help Contador who just needs a little bit extra to be considered a world beater.
Boasson Hagen has become possibly the finest puncheur in the world, and will be extremely difficult to beat when the road goes up and down in quick succession. Impey and Van Heerden are two strong sprinters, and Sibilla rounds off the team to give them at least some hope on the cobbles.
However, the team's team time trials should probably be measured using an hourglass, they're not the fastest against the clock.
Supple Pink Balls
Sponsor
Simply Red are a band led by the terrifying Mick Hucknall. Bull is what comes out of politicians' mouths (oh God, we've almost gone into satire)
Average Age
26.85
Average Average
72.55
Money Spent on Training
€1,900,000
Best Rider
Fabian Cancellara (Average 80.67, €700,000) is a force of nature, and the draft he generates on time trials makes it onto the Fujita scale.
Worst Rider
Thanh Tam Nguyen (Average 67.00, €10,000) is a stagiare with a surname that is roughly pronounced "Win". This is something he will never do.
Shockingly Red Stool have taken a gamble this transfer period, selling the dependable Sella and bringing in time trial extraordinaire Coppel and management game favourite Alarcon. The team's time trial capabilities now look frightening with Coppel and Cancellara, and with Cancellara also for the cobbles, those two terrains are very much strong suits for the team.
However, stage races and hills could prove problematic. Whilst Alarcon is a sensational climber, he will lose buckets on time trials (which is a completely invalid unit of measurement for time), and that's about all they have. Cancellara will pick up points if the terrain isn't too hilly however.
Edited by Crommy on 26-04-2014 14:45
ING are a Dutch multinational and financial services corporation headquartered in a building called the dustbuster, which looks weird. And shit.
Average Age
29.87
Average Average
72.37
Money Spent on Training
€2,200,000
Best Rider
Romain Sicard (Average 80.50, €1,500,000) has more money than you do.
Worst Rider
Daniele Di Nucci (Average 68.75, €50,000) is a suspiciously fat cyclist, but he has blistering pace over two metres.
masturbatING Pro Cyclists have had a fairly solid transfer season, bringing in Romain Sicard to lead the team and getting rid of Nicolas Roche, who doesn't have the skills to lead a team at ProTour level. They are paying Sicard €1,500,000 though. Which is a lot.
Sicard is a very talented stage racer, who is more the sum of his parts than having any oustanding feature, being good all round in every category, but not world-class in any. Which is lucky, because he'll have very little backup in the mountains. Or the hills.
But what he will have backup in is the time trials. This team is a terrifying time trial monstrosity, with Sicard having Fielder, Van Winden and management game legend Zabriskie to lead the team time trial line. They have four other riders who will be very good second support in time trials.
This is another team who believe cobbles are the work of Satan.
Project 1t4i
Sponsor
A project is something you avoid doing by going on PCM.Daily, 1t4i appears to be a random assortment of letters and numbers.
Average Age
27.58
Average Average
73.60
Money Spent on Training
€800,000
Best Rider
Robert Gesink (Average 80.42, €800,000) is a very good rider if he can stay on his bike. If.
Worst Rider
Jarlinson Pantano Gomez (Average 73.17, €200,000) has all the aerodynamic properties of the Empire State Building.
Project 420BLAZEIT have had a shrewd transfer season, getting rid of Luis Leon Sanchez and Peter Velits, whilst bringing in Henao and Brambilla. This has considerably strengthened the team in the mountains, which means there is less pressure on the rarely upright Gesink. Gesink is one of the best stage racers in the world, although perhaps money should have been spent on training him in the mountain or time trials. Henao is a very good second leader, although is certainly not a top stage racer. He does however have a wage so low (as does Brambilla), that the other managers in the ProTour often cry themselves to sleep at night just thinking about them.
The team has possibly the most physically fit and strongest domestqiues in the world. The team only has 8 stats below 70 in the physical stats (Stamina/Resistance/Recovery), out of a a possible 72, and 5 of those belong to just 2 riders (without those, it's just 4.55%).
Sprints and cobbles are not the team's speciality, with Kreder and Sinkeldam unlikely to pick up many points over the season. But hey, at least they're trying, unlike a lot of teams.
Wank-off Credit Systems Bank
Sponsor
Tinkoff is the largest consumer of vodka in modern history
Average Age
27.09
Average Average
73.18
Money Spent on Training
€2,600,000
Best Rider
Yuri Tofrimov (Average 80.33, €1,200,000) is an annoyingly good and consistent rider
Worst Rider
Denis Alimzyanov (Average 71.17, €50,000) is presumably shit, otherwise I wouldn't have picked him.
Tinkle Fairy have had a fantastic transfer season, purely by picking up Yuri Trofimov off the free agent list, but also through training improvements to Timofey Kritskiy. Trofimov is possibly the rider a dislike the most in the game, because he's just so damn good and consistent, expect to see him rack up points throughout the year. Kritskiy is now a very solid stage racer, although he lacks the physical attributes to be up there with the best over longer stage races. He'll have able support from Kolesnikov and Kunshin.
However, the team does lack depth behind the two leaders. The team's sprinters aren't good enough, there's no other strong time trialists for TTTs (expect perhaps Vorobev) and cobbled races are a write-off.
But none of this matters, because they've got Trofimov. Who's so good it's almost cheating. Bastards.
Wankapedia
Sponsor
Wikipedia is the online repository of knowledge that anyone can edit, thus making it 100% accurate.
Average Age
26.125
Average Average
73.66
Money Spent on Training
€4,325,000
Best Rider
Taylor Phinney (Average 80.25, €1,005,000) is cute as a button, fast as lightning, and has the oddest wage in the management game
Worst Rider
Stelly Robert (Average 69.67, €50,000) is lethal only in time trials. So long as the time trial is on a stationary bike in strict laboratory conditions.
More of the same from Wookiepedia, as they hold onto their four leaders and improve on what could be considered the weakest. Taylor Phinney is still one of the finest stage racers in the world, although his recovery ability is still questionable for the Grand Tours. Tejay Van Garderen is still a great leader over the hills, and his €500,000 wage is almost scandalously low. Danny Summerhill is still a strong cobbled rider, and will consistenly bring in the points over those cobbled roads.
But it is Stefan Denifl where the team is almost all change, as he has had €3,500,000 worth of training spent on him! He is now a true force to be reckoned with in stage races (although his time trialing ability still lets him down), and gives the team a genuine four-pronged attack. Very, very worrying for the opposition!
And that's not the end of it, as whilst the team doesn't have any sprinters of note, they have some excellent domestiques for the hills and mountains, with riders such as Pinot and McCarthy. With a world class sprinter, this team would be unstoppable. Even without, this team may yet be.
Edited by Crommy on 11-10-2014 16:25
Definitely not engaged in money laundering - Also definitely not engaged in money laundering
Sponsor
I have no idea who Swisscom are. I think UBS have a key in their logo. Locksmith?
Average Age
28.18
Average Average
72.69
Money Spent on Training
€2,900,000
Best Rider
Andrei Amador (Average 80.25, €670,000) is Costa Rica's answer to Elvis. No wait, he's not. OK, he's a good bike rider.
Worst Rider
Stefan Kung (Average 68.83, €50,000) descends like an angel, climbs like the Marlboro Man
More of the same from KissCrom(my) - UWotMate, as they carry on with the same three leaders from last season, with one noticeable change. Stefan Schumacher's bald head still graces the peloton over the hills, Vincenzo Nibali will still be a force to be reckoned with in stage races (especially downhill), and Andrei Amador... Wow. He's had €2,800,000 spent on him. He now ranks as one of the best climbers in the world, and he has the time trialling ability and physical stats to back that up. Watch out for him, this is a very, very big season for him.
After those three, the team is oddly lacking. No sprinters of note, no cobbled riders of note. The team's hopes lie with those three, but it's not a bad three to put your hopes in.
Team Vueling Space Elevator
Sponsor
Vueling defy the wishes of God by allowing men to ascend from the Earth whilst eating shitty meals.
Average Age
27.29
Average Average
72.81
Money Spent on Training
€0
Best Rider
Thomas Dekker (Average 80.17, €820,000) has had to take a restraining order out on a certain former webmaster of his.
Worst Rider
Martin Pedersen (Average 72.17, €50,000) sacrifices goats to the great god Imhotep before mountain stages.
Team Definitely not Malaysian Airlines have kept largely the same team as they did last season, with the notable exception of bringing on Alejandro Valverde, who, whilst his glory days are perhaps behind him, will still pick up valuable points for the team who are looking to avoid relegation.
Thomas Dekker is still an extremely capable leader for the team, and has decent support, whilst Reimer and Kennaugh should bring in points in the sprints, albeit wins are unlikely.
But overall, this is a team lacking in depth, and will certainly struggle unless Dekker racks up the points, and Valverde proves he isn't as over the hill as many suggest he might be.
Decent Effervescence (Do Cyanide still have that word in PCM? Seriously, nobody uses that word in real life)
Sponsor
Good Energy is a phrase often used in corporate meetings after the word synergy.
Average Age
25.37
Average Average
73.15
Money Spent on Training
€1,400,000
Best Rider
Simone Ponzi (Average 79.33, €580,000) is an exciting, punchy rider, who has far too many race days.
Worst Rider
Enrico Battaglin (Average 68.83, €50,000) refuses to ride on any surface that doesn't have the smoothness properties of an iced-over lake.
Team Morale is Low are an interesting team, who are the very embodiment of a team of depth. Ignatiev has left, and the team now has three clear leaders in Ponzi for the hills, Blythe for the cobbles and Guarnieri for the sprints.
However, there's a huge amount of riders just the level below these riders, who, whilst they probably won't be spectacular, will pick up the points, and often in an entertaining fashion.
Bring in a better GC rider than Faiers, and this team would be serious title contenders.
Krankenwagen - Mypee
Sponsor
Volkswagen make cars, and were started by the National Socialist Party of Germany. Mapei
Average Age
26.10
Average Average
73.53
Money Spent on Training
€2,700,000
Best Rider
Filippo Pozzato (Average 79.25, €580,000) has an ego visible from space.
Worst Rider
Kevin Predatsch (Average 68.50, €50,000) actually slows down whenever he launches a sprint.
Wo ist - Mypie have strengthened considerably over the transfer season, brining in Pozzato and Sella as their two new leaders. Sella is at a last year of being a top, top rider, and could challenge Cunego if he rides the Giro, whilst management game legend Pozzato will do what he's always done, and be surprisingly awesome on a variety of terrain.
The team has also brought in hot prospect Yonathan Monsalve, the Venezuelan stage racer coming in with the whopping wage of €950,000, but could be considered a decent investment given he has another level to progress.
The team also has a decent pair of riders for the hills in the form of Flugel and Klemme, with the pair of Germans great value with wages of €315,000 and €110,000 respectively. However, they may be more suited in leading a team in the PCT/CT
Edited by Crommy on 11-10-2014 16:05
Porto is a city in Portugal. Prio is the Peace Research Institute Oslo.
Average Age
26 exactly, which is slightly bizarre
Average Average
71.39
Money Spent on Training
€3,500,000
Best Rider
Tiago Machado (Average 79.17, €1,400,000) once climbed to the moon.
Worst Rider
Domingos Goncalves (Average 63.92, €50,000) is literally the worst ProTour rider. The fact he is riding the Ronde van Vlaanderen is just cruel.
Priority - Penis have spent money like a drunken sailor in a brothel after the only comfort he's had at sea for 6 months has been with Big Dave. And it's probably a good thing that they have, because the team has been greatly strengthened. Tiago Machado has been signed with a wage of €1,400,000, and can be counted as one of the finest climbers in the world, although his secondary and time trial stats will let him down in stage races. Machado is Portuguese
The team has also splurged €3,400,000 on making Rui Costa a solid hill rider, although that is a huge amount of money to spend and not get out a rider at the top of the world. Costa is Portuguese
Oscar Avelino is also a good sprinter, and the team will need him to pick up points given the lack of depth in the squad. Avelino is Portuguese.
Markus Fothen is a strong second choice GC rider. Fothen is Portuguese? Not sure where I was going with that. Should probably move on...
Pornstars.cum
Sponsor
Poker is what you do when you're big spoon, aroused, and want to initiate intimacy. Stars are massive, luminous spheres of plasma.
Average Age
27.58
Average Average
73.60
Money Spent on Training
€3,650,000
Best Rider
Tom Boonen (Average 79.17, €780,000) eats cobbles for breakfast. Which can't be healthy
Worst Rider
George Atkins (Average 68.75, €50,000) struggles to climb out of bed in the morning.
TiddlywinkStars.com are led by Tornado Tom Boonen, and we all know what he's about. Despite his ageing, he's still one of the finest riders in the world, although this could be his last year riding the cobbled classics as one of the favourites.
Francesco Ginanni and Nicolas Roche are the two major signings for the team, and whilst Roche is not quite good enough to challenge for wins in the ProTour, Ginanni is an excellent puncheur, who should be at least competitive.
Elsewhere, the team has excellent support for Boonen in the cobbled classics, with the likes of Nolf and De Vocht meaning Boonen has every chance of winning. The team is light on GC riders though.
Victoria Pendleton
Sponsor
You know, this team has been here for quite a long time, and I still have no idea what they do. Make garish colour combinations?
Average Age
28.40
Average Average
73.72
Money Spent on Training
€2,000,000
Best Rider
Philippe Gilbert (Average 78.92, €500,000) likes to ride his bicycle. He likes to ride it where he likes.
Worst Rider
Bradley Wiggins (Average 71.17, €50,000) carries around a small bottle of Jack Daniels to add to the Coke he drinks during the race.
Hang on, do they make Ice Cream? continue to keep faith with a lead quadruplet of Gilbert, Dan Martin, Vladimir Gusev and Bernhard Kohl. Gilbert is excellent over hills, Martin is solid in GCs, as is Kohl, and Gusev is decent over cobbles. These four leaders show a diverse leadership, with all four of a similar standard on their respective terrains. But none of them are going to be challenging the very top steps of the podium.
However, this season, the team has brought in much sought after Joseph Dombrowski. His most attractive feature is his Americanness, but he will one day be one of the best climbers in the world, and he'll hopefully become the top, top rider this team lacks.
Bar-cardi(get it!?!?! They make alcohlic drinks. A bar is where you get alcoholic drinks. Still not got it? Well fuck you all, I'm wasted on you people. And wasted on Bacardi too) - I tear up post coital sometimes
Sponsor
Bacardi helps me deal with my alcoholism. Itera is owned by Makarov, who I'm fairly sure was the antagonist in Call of Duty...was my playthrough of Call of Duty real then?
Average Age
26.9
Average Average
73.075
Money Spent on Training
€125,000
Best Rider
Rigoberto Uran (Average 78.67, €500,000) is a strong GC contender.
Worst Rider
Rigoberto Uran (Average 78.67, €500,000) is...the only rider in the team?
According to the version of the database I have, BarHumbug - Unexpected Itera in the bagging area have one rider, Rigoberto Uran. This makes previewing them difficult, because I don't think that's right. I'll give it a go anyway
Rigoberto Uran is an excellent GC leader for the team, who, whilst he won't be challenging for victory, will certainly not be too far off.
The team's leader over the hills will be Uran, and whilst he's decent, he is certainly no more than a strong domestique.
The team also lacks a sprint train and a good sprinter, with the best sprinter being Uran, who'll most likely be led out by the team's second best sprinter, Uran.
ROTURN! The rats have shit all over the house - AGAIN!!!
Sponsor
Rothaus make beer. Lovely, lovely beer. Aegon is possibly a misspelling of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir of Isildur and rightful claimant to the thrones of Arnor and Gondor.
Average Age
26.22
Average Average
73.02
Money Spent on Training
€100,000
Best Rider
Martijn Keizer (Average 78.67, €495,000) is a suspiciously good GC rider, given his stats.
Worst Rider
Youcef Reguigui (Average 69.92, €50,000) is so bad, they tried to name him twice and got it wrong.
Rotting Meat - Again are a team of unspectacular riders, who you feel annoyingly will do much better than the sum of their parts. Keizer is a strong time triallist, and has the climbing stats to make him a good GC rider, LL Sanchez will rack up points, as he always does, despite being Jack of all Trades and master of fuck all, which is similar to Lars Boom.
Vanmarcke and Ballan are a solid duo for the cobbles.
Bouygues Telecom
Sponsor
“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!" Bouygues Telecom CEO, last known words to Crommy
Average Age
26.35
Average Average
73.60
Money Spent on Training
€3,000,000
Best Rider
Theo Bos (Average 85, €3,500,000). You know, the first time I made this joke, it wasn't funny, and it's funniness nosedived rapidly soon after. Actually, I think I stole it off someone.
First post updated with two new teams, or read them under this spoiler tag
Spoiler
Let Australians Post
Sponsor
Lotto is the Belgian Lottery, Australia Post is the Australian Postal Service
Average Age
27.48
Average Average
72.96
Money Spent on Training
€0
Best Rider
Damiano Cunego (Average 81.33, €1,050,000) is in his last season before his stats decline, therefore, according to UCI rule 7.2.3, the Giro d'Italia will be replayed until he wins.
Lost Australian Post have management game legend Damiano Cunego continuing as their team leader, but have brought in Marcus Burghardt to lead over the cobbles, and Daniele Bennati for sprints. Everyone knows what Cunego is about, and, given his schedule, is perfectly capable of ensuring survival all by himself. Burghardt is now the best cobbler in the game, given the decline of Tom Boonen, so this could be the year we see him take a triple crown, especially with Evert Verbist supporting him. Daniele Bennati has declined as a sprinter, so it will be interesting to see how he does this season.
After that, they have the always hard to judge Dimitri Claeys. Everything about him suggests he'll be terrible, apart from that glorious hill stat. From a physiological perspective, I'm fairly sure his stats should be impossible for a actual human being, so I'm fairly sure some sort of gene splicing has occurred there.
Felix English is Irish, which amuses me more than it should.
Volcanoes Accumulating
Sponsor
Still sponsored by a motherf***ing volcano. Compared to that, I don't give a s*** what Accumalux does
Average Age
25.58
Average Average
73.31
Money Spent on Training
€1,200,000
Best Rider
Andy Schleck (Average 81.33, €870,000) is confused when given a time trial bike.
Worst Rider
Jaime Suaza (Average 75.33, €120,000) is a ruined husk of a rider, caused by stagnating at his previous team for six seasons. Can't remember which team that was though...
Schleck and Schleck will be crucial for Vagina Aclimax, and they have a schedule where when Schleck is racing, then Schleck won't be racing, and the same the other way, so when Schleck is racing, Schleck won't be racing. This means that Schleck and Schleck will spread their race days over as far a range of races as possible, which could lead to the most amount of points. However, when Schleck is racing in stage races, his best support would be Schleck, and when Schleck is racing in hilly terrain, then Schleck would be one of his most valuable lieutenants, so Schleck and Schleck may struggle without the support of Schleck and Schleck respectively.
Ben Swift will be useful in the sprints, but this is another team where the sight of cobbles will make the riders break out into nervous sweats.
I think that accurately describes my team.
