mojoFuture 2011DB Review
So what the hell? Someone made a database simulating the world of cycling in 2011. He changed the already existing teams into new and exciting things, changing the stats to reflect the time that has gone, adding some fictional future stars, making mad guesses on who is going to be the Grand Tour winners in 2011, fiddling with the calendar to make it different and for some reason keeping the ProTour as it was in 2007. He even changed the start date to 2011! What a great job. The author must have put great amounts of thought into this. A great deal of work. A awe inspiring amount of guessing and predicting.
And it can all be summarized in one word:
Bullshit
The first thing you will notice when you start a career is that most of the current ProTour teams are still ProTour. Save for AG2R which have been moved down to continental. While keeping Bouygues Telecom around. Yeah, a sign of great intelligence.
So lets just take all the ProTour teams in a nice list that cant be disputed.
Aquarel - Formerly Cofidis. Still has a Cofidis like amount of french riders.
Astana - They have Dekker, Menchov, Riccó and a bunch of no good Kazak riders
Barloworld - Karsten Kroon, Robert Hunter and Baden Cookie. Also has someone a 24 year old dane named Kim Marius Nielsen who appears to be the next great supersprinter. I think he's most likely fictionous.
Bouygues Telecom - I swear, they must have kept their 2007 team all the way to 2011 without making a single trade.
Euskatel - Igor Anton (here a likely Vuelta winner), Samuel Sanchez and a load of spanish riders.
Francaise des Jeux - About now you should have realized that there arent many changes. They have Rémy Di Gregorio which in 2011 appears to be an outsider for a Tour de France top 10.
Iberdola powered by Orbea - Formerly Caisse d'Epargne. Frank Schleck, Karpets, Valverde... Sergio Pardilla with 82 MO?
Katyusha ProCycling - The Warsaw Pact strikes back. Ukranians, Russians, a few riders from Belarus. Spiced up with Stijn Devolder and a few italians.
Lampre - They are still hoping that Cunego and Ballan can give them glory. Also has a a nice puncheur talent in Diego Ulissi.
Liquigas - Kreuziger can win Le Tour. Bennati have learned how to sprint faster than Petacchi, Albasini is the worst puncheur in history and the fake talent Jose Arrivo who is 19 and from Brazil has 76 SP.
Lotto - Donaldson - Formerly Lotto - [insert other company name here] - Gilbert. Evans. Hoste. And Matthew Lloyd, Jurgen Van den Broeck and Janez Brajkovic as a climber. They also have Edvald Boasson Hagen. But im not touching him until a later chapter.
Pierre et Vacances - Formerly Credit Agricole. Thor Hushovd with a hint of Thor Hushovd.
Quick-Step - Formerly Quickstep. Too much white powder makes Tom Boonen a guy with only 79 SP. But someone had the decency to give him 83 COB. They also have seven (!) riders with over 75 MO, with Sella as the best with 80 MO.
Rabobank - Lars Boom wins the Time Trial World Championship. Langeveld and Flecha finishes in the top 5 at Paris-Roubaix, Freire battles Boonen in the "formerly good" category and Gesink never got higher than 79 MO.
RedBull ProCycling - Formerly Gerolsteiner. Meester Schumacher's been on the dope and can win a Grand Tour if a skilled player controls him. Kohl is suddenly a Tour-favourite. Bobbie Traksel is actually Tom Boonen as a dutch and Heinrich Haussler is a good sprinter.
Team Columbia - Formerly a team with Brian Holm in it. I could mention some odd stuff. Lövkvist being a good stage riderr. Tony Martin being a potential World Champion in both categories. Kim Kirchen still being good at anything, Michael Rogers' stats reminding me of a certain Serhiy Gonchar. But im settling with Mark Cavendish. His sprint stats suggest that Mario Cipo-whatshisname was actually an idiot with no talent. Also Bert Grabsch despite being ass years old still has the same stats.
Team Garmin - Chipotle. I thought i had a lot to say about them... I just dont for some reason which i cant put my fingers on.
Team Milram - No Zabel, no cry. But you can have Ciolek with the same stats as Cavendish and a Jos van Emden with 81 COB.
Team Saxo Bank - Not relevant. 90% identical to the 2008 squad.
Tissot superCycling - Formerly Team LPR, And boy does it look like the LPR of 2008, plus Contador. And Anuar Manan.
Q: Waghlon, that list was fucking horrible and you know it.
A: Jump in a lake, i cant feel my right shoulder because of the writing.
Okay, im going to show some stat screenshots at the end of this article. But, i need really need to touch on four important things. And frankly, im behind in both my mocking quota and my swearing quota.
Edvald Boasson "Greatest Fucking Star Alive" Hagen
Some say Norweigan "wunderkind" will become a great time trialler. Some say he will become a decent puncheur. Some say he sprinting abilities will rival Zabel's in the age of dope. Our dear databaseur clearly wants this man to win both the World Championships if we raced at Zolder again. 74 hills, 79 TT, 80 SP, 84 ACC and some high 70's endurance stats. He sprints better than Thor Hushovd, if he's in shape he can run straight up with Cancellara. He's even a decent favourite for Milano-San Remo. I dont know. It just seems plain fucking wrong.
They ruined Denmark and gave Sweden too much power
You know this guy named Chris Anker Sörensen? He is this young danish talent who think a few years down the road might have a shot at winning a Grand Tour. But apparently that wont happen. He got 66 MO. Quite an acheivement considering most DB's based on 2008 actually gives him 74/75 MO already. Then there's Peter Riis Andersen. A mountainbike rider who got caught in the EPO trap a few weeks before the Olympics and got suspended for two years and has said that he wont comeback to cycling again. He's a sprinter now. Even more impressive, despite being 27 years old as im writing this, he's 23 years old in the DB. Thats three or four years the wrong damn way!
Frankly, im unimpressed. Im ready to give this a -5 minus score already
The intentions are good. But its a hackjob ultimately. Not enough time, passion or brainpower have been used on this. It could definitely use another two months being worked on. And perhaps some rethinking. The creator could at least had tried to change some stats or retire more riders and generally cause a bigger mix-up in the riders already there. Too many were at the same time as before. And oh yeah, no new stages...
She borrowed my Advanced Editor 200 years ago, and has yet to make a single statchange to Contador
'nuff said as they say.
Conclusion (vomit):
Noble intentions but it falls flat on its face. Dont bother playing it. But if an update is ever released, ill have to try it. |
