Welcome to my ProTour preview. Please don't hate me.
A note before hand: Average Ages:
ProTour: 27.03
Continental Tour: 27.16
Overall: 26.58
Average Averages:
ProTour: 72.09
Continental Tour: 70.25
Overall: 66.73
Anyway, here's part 1 of 4. Try to enjoy. Or if you can't, try not to hurt my feelings.
Auber 93 – Look (rjc_43) This baby blue will really make those French housewives swoon!
The Sponsor: Auber 93 is an organisation aiming to get French amateurs into pro cycling, Look make bike equipment Last Year: 10th (as Virgin Media – Caisse d'Epargne) Goals: win Tour stage, win Paris-Roubaix, top 10 Paris – Nice, top 10 in ITT, top 10 Overall. Strengths: French determinism, Jerome Coppel TTing, Sinkewitz puncheuring Weaknesses: No stage racer, no top sprinter, leaders aren't great, are French Average Age: 26.19 (4th) Average Average: 71.96 (13th) Highest Earner: Patrik Sinkewitz (€505,000) Prediction: 18th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Kai Reus (71 Mountain, 79 TT)
-- Ardennes: Patrik Sinkewitz (80 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Heinrich Haussler (78 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Nikolas Maes (79 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Jerome Coppel (83 TT), Lars Boom (78 TT)
Best Gun: Patrik Sinkewitz (78 Average): good Classics rider. Just good, not great Young Gun: Dietmar Mehr-Wenige (DEU, 23, 77 Hill): good helper in the Ardennes, will be leader next year and a possible top 10 candidate No Gun: Niels Brouzes: this 30 year old Frenchman has no prospects, no talent, and no place in the ProTour. In fact, he has no place in the Continental Tour either. Utter rubbish. National Champions: Dimitri Jiriakov (LIE RR), Jerome Coppel (FRA TT)
Do Say: Good to see you developing French cycling... Don't Say: ...just a shame French cycling is s***! We Say: Everybody loves a French team that attacks a lot. I mean, they don't ever, ever succeed, but it makes things more likely. This is what you're going to get with Auber 93 – Look: sort of like watching Darren Fletcher playing football. You know he's trying hardest, the look on his earnest face as he gets the ball is wonderful, which moments later turns to a look of anguish as he inevitably passes to the opposition.
Café de Colombia (fenian_1234) Nice and patriotic, with secret "dope pockets" to get past those pesky anti-doping controls
The Sponsor: Colombian coffee growers. Definitely not a café in Colombia. That was a wasted trip. Last Year: 16th (as Eurosport) Goals: stage win at Tour de Suisse, top 3 in Vuelta, top 3 in Vuelta a Asturias, top 3 in Cataunya, top 10 in ProTour Strengths: Valverde's an all-round monster, climbing, Valverde is ridiculously good Weaknesses: time trialing, sprints, Valverde's limited race days, not everyone in the team is Valverde Average Age: 28.44 (15th) Average Average: 71.5 (17th) Highest Earner: Alejandro Valverde (€1,050,000) Prediction: 9th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Alejandro Valverde (81 Mountain, 73 TT), José Angel Gomez Marchante (81 Mountain, 71 TT), Fabio Duarte (80 Mountain, 75 TT)
-- Ardennes: Alejandro Valverde (81 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Jaime Alberto Castaneda (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Danny Summerhill (78 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Andrew Tennant (75 TT)
Best Gun: Alejandro Valverde (81 Average): Young Gun: Danny Summerhill (USA, 22, 78 Cobble): 78 Cobbles, potential 6, yet to max out. You can stop drooling now fenian, we all know he'll be that good No Gun: Tomas Swift-Metcalfe – a barely passable domestique at best, Tomas should be looking forward to spending a long time looking forlornly at the back of the peloton as it passes out of his sight for the umpteenth time. National Champions: Alejandro Valverde (WC RR), Horacio Gallardo (BOL RR) Do Say: Valverde takes another win! Don't Say: Nice Puerto there Piti, sorry, I meant nice win Alejandro. We Say: Yes, it's the rider you have to hate, Valv.Piti returns for another season of being far too good. And some other decent stage race leaders mean they should be reasonably successful. Hang on, wait, did you hear that Alejandro?!?!!!! False alarm, not an anti-doping raid. Keep “juicing up”!
Carmeuse Cyclisme (Crommy) Made out of steel though, so riders will suffer from a notable fall in performance, but allows them to moonlight in a new sport called Cycling Jousting
The Sponsor: Belgian Mining Company. Will get f*** all benefit from sponsoring a cycling team Last Year: 14th (as Unicef) Goals: top 10 Tour, win Ronde vanVlaanderen, win Paris – Roubaix, win Gent – Wevelgem, top 10 in ProTour Strengths: Cobbles, Cancellara, Cancellara, Cancellara, Cancellara, YAROSLAV POPOVYCH, Cancellara, Cancellara... Weaknesses: Everything not covered by Cancellara, the manager, Theo Bos, the fact the manager always spells Yaroslav with a Y, when it should be a J. Average Age: 26.32 (5th) Average Average: 71.08 (19th AKA Dead Last) Highest Earner: Fabian Cancellara (€850,000) Prediction: 13th
Best Gun: Fabian Cancellara (Average 81): should be quality in Roubaix. I'll rephrase that – he better be quality or I'm going to be p***ed Young Gun: Pieter Jacobs (BEL, 25, 77 Cobble): Best helper for Cancellara No Gun: Theo Bos – A brilliant sprinter, but given a speed bump is like the Angliru to him, he'll be as useless as ever. Utter garbage.
National Champions: Fabian Cancellara (SWI RR, SWI TT) (anyone noticing a trend here) Do Say: Cancellara is the best cobbled rider in the world... Don't Say: ...and that's his 13th crash in this years Paris-Roubaix We Say: This is the best the teams looked since the first ever season of the management game, but why the manager sold Marzano is anyone's guess, and brining in Casar to replace him was hardly a move that helped his credibility in his mental insanity case. If Madrazo is like having a fleet of tanks going into a battle, Casar's like going into the same battle with one blunt thumb tack...encased with cotton wool. Although Cancellara in Roubaix is like going into battle with a fleet of Death Stars.
Domina Vacanze (setzel) We liked the zebra jersey
The Sponsor: Hotel Group based in Italy Last Year: 4th Goals: top 3 Tour, win Dauphine Libere, top 10 Giro, 15 wins, top 5 in ProTour Strengths: Stage Racing machine, Nick Nuyens for the cobbles, looking like zebras Weaknesses: All leaders have slight weaknesses, nobody for Ardennes or sprints, no longer looking like zebras Average Age: 28.09 (13th) Average Average: 72.25 (11th) Highest Earner: Andy Schleck (€1,100,000) Prediction: 5th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Andy Schleck (83 Mountain, 73 TT), Janez Brajkovic (80 Mountain, 78 TT), Vincenzo Nibali (81 Mountain, 77 TT)
-- Ardennes: Jelle Vanendert (77 Hill), Vincenzo Nibali (77 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Baden Cooke (79 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Nick Nuyens (81 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Janez Brajkovic (78 TT)
Best Gun: Andy Schleck (Average 80): Great climber, great stage racer Young Gun: Jelle Vanendert (BEL, 26, 77 Hill): Not exactly young, but this team is old: decent enough classics rider No Gun: Dan Fleeman: I'd rather have a dead hamster cycling for me, buried 6 feet under and the grave concreted over National Champions: Janez Brajkovic (SLO TT), Vincenzo Nibali (ITA TT) Do Say: You're much better than climbing than your brother, Andy... Don't Say: ...just a shame you can't time trial. We Say: Will destroy other teams in stage races. Not beat them, DESTROY THEM. Nuyens can be counted on to pick up points over cobbles, but it's stage races all the way. Sort of a one trick pony if the pony was a 50ft horse with big shiny lasers mounted on it. And if it could breathe fire. That would be awesome!
Edited by Crommy on 17-05-2010 12:42
Team Energie – Diesel (Gustavovskiy) Jersey has built in Sex Panther - made with real panther, so you know it's good. 60% of the time, it works every time.
The Sponsor Energie is an Italian clothes company, Diesel make fragrances, making these guys the best dressed and best smelling riders in the peloton, leading to huge increases in the outbreak of mono Last Year: 5th in Continental Tour (promoted) Goals: win Catalunya, KOM jersey in Tour, top 10 Giro, top 3 Asturias, avoid relegation Strengths:: stage racing, climbing, smelling damn good. Damn good. Weaknesses:: Cobbles, lack of depth in the squad, having to evade amorous spectators (and riders) overcome by their masculine scent Average Age: 29.08 (18th) Average Average: 71.87 (14th) Highest Earner: Domenico Pozzovivo (€700,000) Prediction: 17th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Domenico Pozzovivo (81 Mountain, 73 TT)
-- Ardennes: Luis Leon Sanchez Gil (79 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Claudio Corioni (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: José Joaquin Rojas Gil (73 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Pedro Nicácio (76 TT)
Best Gun: Domenico Pozzovivo (Average 79): Strong stage racer, would do well in the Giro Young Gun: Elia Viviani (ITA, 22, 71 Sprint, 70 TT): Watch out for this neo-pro sprinter, he's going to be dangerous by the time he reaches his full potential No Gun: Francisco Javier Echarri: at least Theo Bos can sprint if the stage is pancake flat – this Spaniard will not only be dead if anything uphill is approached, he can do f*** all after that. Could give him an electric bike and he'd still do s***. National Champions: Pedro Nicacio (BRA TT), Julio Alberto Perez Cuapio (MEX RR), Cesar Rojas Villegas (CRC RR) Do Say: Hello ProTour... Don't Say: ...Goodbye ProTour We Say: Pretty decent squad, good leader in Pozzovivo, prospects looking reasonably bright for this recently promoted team: this squad has a squad that might keep them up. Might. Paris Hilton MIGHT also crack RSA encryption, solve p=np and cure HIV. Although Energie Diesel staying up is slightly more likely. I think.
Festina – Corona (SotD) *INSERT A CHEAP JOKE TO DO WITH DRINKING, THEN DIE A LITTLE INSIDE*
The Sponsor Festina is a Swiss clock maker, whilst Corona is a Mexican lager producer. So a team of drunks then. But they can tell the time immacuately. Last Year: 3rd (as Festina - Seiko) Goals: top 10 in Tour, top 10 in Giro, top 10 in Vuelta, win Milano-Sanremo, top 5 in ProTour Strengths:: Stage Racing, sprinting, free lager all year round Weaknesses:: Sammy Sanchez is getting old, no top cobble guy either. Hungover a lot Average Age: 26.35 (6th) Average Average: 73.65 (1st) Highest Earner: Sam Bewley (€770,00) Prediction: 4th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Alberto Contador (83 Mountain, 75 TT), Mauricio Ardila (80 Mountain, 71 TT), Carlos Castano (80 Mountain, 74 TT)
-- Ardennes: Samuel Sanchez (80 Hill), Diego Ulissi (79 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Sam Bewley (80 Sprint), Anthony Lavoine (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Frederik Nolf (80 Cobble), Sam Bewley (77 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Lucas Schadlich (78 TT)
Best Gun: Alberto Contador (Average 79): Quality stage racer. Lance Armstrong hates him. Two are very connected. Young Gun: Sam Bewley (NZL, 24, 77 Cobble, 80 Sprint): This rider will be one the best riders in the world next year. Make no doubts about that. He's been labelled the next Tom Boonen, and you can see why. However, Bewley will also feature this year, although top 10's over the cobbles will be the extent of his performance in the Northern Classics, and top 3's in sprints. No Gun: Wen Hao Li – Yes, he may have 72 TT and 72 sprint, but don't have someone who screams at the mere sight of cobbles...or mountains...or hills. National Champions: Sam Bewley (NZL RR) Do Say: Well done Alberto, great Tour win... Don't Say: ...now if only you could replicate your real life Tour success into management game success We Say: Controversial manager Sotd has assembled another good team, with good prospects in Madrazo and Bewley. Most managers are crying themselves to sleep in fear at how good these 2 will become. Tom Boonen would cry himself to sleep at the thought of Bewley being a better version of him, but he's smacked off his tits on cocaine. Although out of competition cocaine my lawyers hasten to add. Which is OK.
Jack Wolfskin (alexkr00) Not actually made from wolves fur. Which is a disappointment, as it'd be perfect for those cold days on the cobbles
The Sponsor German producer of outdoor wear and equipment. No wolves are harmed in the making of said outdoor wear and equipment Last Year: 2nd in Continental Tour (promoted) Goals: win Eindhoven TTT, top 3 LBL, top 3 Criterium International, top 10 Vuelta, top 10 ProTour Strengths:: Stage races, time trialing, hilly sprint stages, they've got the word Wolf in their team name – wolves are f***ing awesome Weaknesses:: Lack of leaders, cobbles Average Age: 27.95 (12th) Average Average: 27.95 (4th) Highest Earner: Robert Gesink (€800,000) Prediction: 16th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Robert Gesink (80 Mountain, 80 TT), Ruben Plaza (79 Mountain, 79 TT)
-- Ardennes: Robert Gesink (80 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Michael Van Stayen (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Marcel Sieberg (74 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Dominique Cornu (81 TT), Joost Posthuma (80 Sprint)
Best Gun: Robert Gesink (80 Average): The Condor is infamous for enjoying falling off his bike.
Young(ish) Gun: Robin van der Hugenhaben (NED, 26, 75 Mountain, 74 Hill): Despite having a ridiculous name, he's a strong all-round domestique, who we expect will surprise many in longer stage races. No Gun: Hans Dekkers: ageing Dutch sprinter who has had his request for a stairlift to be installed on some of the tougher climbs rejected. National Champions: Dominique Cornu (BEL TT), Joost Posthuma (NED TT) Do Say: We actually stand a half-decent chance of staying up after Gesink's win Don't Say: Robert, how have you fallen over, for no reason, AGAIN?!?! We Say: I've predicted 16th for this team, but they are certainly capable of higher. In fact, I should have predicted them higher. Wait, Gesink's just fallen off his bike again. OK, with form like that, 16th is about right. And van der Hugenhaben is still an utterly ridiculous name.
La Gazetta dello Sport (mrlol) Some say pink is the new black. These people are known as f***ing idiots
The Sponsor Italian newspaper which covers sport, as well as creating the Giro d'Italia Last Year: 1st (Champions (in case you hadn't realised what 1st implied) – I may be underestimating the average reader's IQ) Goals: win Giro d'Italia, win Vuelta a Asturias, top 3 Team Standings, top 3 Giro di Lombardia. 15 stage wins Strengths:: Cunego is a monster of a rider, Rogers is a monster of a time trialist, Bennati is a monster of a sprinter, Godzilla is a f***ing monster. Weaknesses:: Not much after those 3, don't actually have Godzilla on the team. Wear pink. Average Age: 28.95 (17th) Average Average: 73.03 (5th) Highest Earner: Damiano Cunego (€1,300,000 – largest wage in the game) Prediction: 7th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Damiano Cunego (84 Mountain, 72 TT)
-- Ardennes: Damiano Cunego (83 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Daniele Bennati (85 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Rick Flens (66 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Michael Rogers (85 TT), Dennis Van Winden (80 TT)
Best Gun: Damiano Cunego (Average 82): Has skills many would kill for. Alas, that didn't work out for me... Young Gun: Alex Dowsett (23, GBR, 74 Hill): the third strongest puncheur in the team, this young Brit will be very helpful to Cunego in the Ardennes, and will be looking to progress as a rider over the year No Gun: mrlol: why couldn't he have signed at least one s*** rider who could have gone here. Just one. I'm not being greedy, just one rider would have made my f***ing Christmas. But no. mrlol has to pick a “good” team, with no weak links. La de f***ing da, I'm mrlol, I've got a super awesome team. I HATE YOU!!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! National Champions: Damiano Cunego (ITA RR), Michael Rogers (AUS TT) Do Say: It's a repeat of last year. God we're good Don't Say: It's not a repeat of last year. God we've gone backwards. And we wear pink. We Say: We (the royal We, as it's actually just me) may have been a bit harsh, as the 3 leaders will win oodles (which is a quite frankly ridiculous word) of points. Losing Di Luca was a blow, although rumours that he left because the Little Prince (Cunego) asked to be known as our Hughness from then on in turned out to be fake. But we're (using we means everyone becomes liable when he sues us) going to maintain them as true.
Edited by Crommy on 26-04-2010 15:55
Lafarge (Levi4life) Created by rjc. Pronounced paedophile
The Sponsor A French industrial company which specialises in cement, aggregates, concrete and gypsum Last Year: 11th (as Credit Lyonnais) Goals: win Dauphine Libere, win Paris-Nice, top 5 Tour, top 3 Vuelta, top 10 ProTour Strengths:: Tenorio. Fear him. Seriously. Weaknesses:: , Cobbles, Ardennes, leaders old enough to qualify for pensions Average Age: 27.35 (10th) Average Average: 72.26 (10th) Highest Earner: Denis Menchov (€800,000) Prediction: 15th
Best Gun:Gianpaolo Caruso (average 79): Good, all round dependable stage racer. Will get top 10 in Giro. Young Gun: Justo Tenorio (ESP, 22, 79 Mountain, 74 Hill, 77 TT): people often who the future Tour de France champion will be. Well look no further people, this youngster is destined to dominate, he will be picking up top 10s this season and isn't anywhere near his full potential! No Gun: Christian Vande Velde: there's hanging on to a rider for old time's sake and then there is this. It would be better to force him to retire. In fact it'd be better to send him to Dignitas, Switzerland and put him out of his misery. National Champions: Not one. Will be the blandest squad in the...I can't stop drooling over Tenorio...peloton. Like Hugh Grants acting versatility. Bland. Do Say: One of our...Tenorio. Bloody brilliant rider...young French riders has won something! He must be France's next Tour winner... Don't Say: ...and he's got no chance of ever becoming that. Not one iota. We Say: We love French teams. It's why I took on Bouygues Telecom all those years ago when the game first started. But with an influx of foreigners, this team is losing it's heart and...but seriously: Tenorio...soul. A bit like how Nicholas Cage rips the hear and soul out every goddamn movie he's ever been in. Seriously, why cast him...Tenorio.
Lipton Ice Tea (jolly_antunes) Ice Tea: Banned in over 73 countries worldwide. Making someone drink it constitutes a war crime.
The Sponsor Strangely, Lipton make iced tea Last Year: 8th Goals: top 3 Giro, win Asturias, top 5 Tour, top 10 Deutschland Tour, top 5 ProTour Strengths: Sweet zombie Jesus this team is good Weaknesses: Time trials, ardennes...a bit. Iced tea is a ridiculous drink. Average Age: 27.34 (9th) Average Average: 72.5 (9th) Highest Earner: Emanuele Sella (€737,500) Prediction: 1st
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Emanuele Sella (83 Mountain, 68 TT), David Arroyo (81 Mountain, 70 TT), Andrei Kashechkin (81 Mountain, 75 TT), Vadim Ratiy (80 Mountain, 74 TT)
-- Ardennes: Cesare Di Maggio (79 Hill), Sergio Ghislaberti (78 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Oscar Avelino (82 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Jerome Baugnies (80 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Thomas Bontenackels (76 TT)
Best Gun: Emanuele Sella (Average 80): Awesome climber, shocking time trialer Young Gun: Vadim Ratiy (UKR, 23, 80 Mountain, 74 TT): May have maxed out experience, but still a frighteningly good stage racer. And, listen very carefully here – he's the 6th best stace racer. SIXTH. Let me say that again: S-I-X-T-H! Sweet baby Jesus and the f***ing orphans that's scary. No Gun: Adam Petrie-Armstrong: despite sharing the name with one of the greatest rider of all time, shares no other qualifying characteristics. Well, except when Lance does a number 2. Then what results from that can be compared to this Irishman. National Champions: Andrei Kashechkin (KAZ RR, KAZ TT) Do Say: Hello opposition. Prepare to be blitzed. Don't Say: Sorry lads. The sponsors are forcing this on us. You've got to drink only ice tea. Lads? Why have you just torn up your contracts?!? We Say: This team is ridiculously good. As ridiculous as letting George W. Bush becoming President and Boris Johnson as Mayor. We're talking ludicrously good. If they don't win the ProTour, I will think about eating my own hat.
But I won't. Because I already have. And it was damn tasty. Damn tasty.
Pearl Adidas (p3druh) I have no strong feelings either way on this jersey. Time for a ridiculously bad programming joke /*No Comment*/ I just died a little inside. The Sponsor Pearl make percussion instruments, and are not round shiny objects produced by molluscs and used in jewellery. So Pearl Adidas are not sponsored by the wealthy mollusc community. Which is a shame, because there's big bucks in that community. Adidas make sportswear. Last Year: 9th Goals: top 3 Tour, top 10 Giro, top 10 Vuelta, win Asturias, top 10 Team Strengths: Very strong leaders, stage racing, all-round strength Weaknesses: Domestiques aren't super, no depth, no molluscs. Average Age: 26.77 (7th) Average Average: 73.55 (2nd) Highest Earner: Markus Fothen (€689,500) Prediction: 2nd
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Markus Fothen (82 Mountain, 78 TT), José Rujano (82 Mountain, 71 TT)
-- Ardennes: Jan 'Carmeuse isn't good enough for me, because I'm so brilliant' Bakelants (81 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Romain Vanderbiest (81 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Enrico Franzoi (81 Cobble), Wim De Vocht (78 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Markus Fothen (78 TT)
Best Gun: Markus Fothen (Average 79): Quality German stage racer Young Gun: Jan ' Look at me, aren't I so f***ing good. Carmeuse are s***, no way I'm going to regret that decision when they win every single race this year and make me feel bloody stupid' Bakelants (BEL, 25, 81 Hill): turned down an offer from Carmeuse to go here. I' not bitter at all about it. Because I now realise he isn't the most promising Belgian in the world. He's a steaming pile of s*** atop an even larger pile of s***. Not bitter at all... No Gun: Jan Bakelants. A shockingly poor rider who can look forward to an early retirement after I've borken his kneecaps, followed by his mysterious “suicide” a year later, complete with suicide note detailing exactly why he went wrong in not joining Carmeuse Cyclisme. National Champions: José Rujano (VEN RR), Jackson Rodriguez (VEN TT) Do Say: Jan is definitely going to Carmeuse next year Don't Say:Jan will definitely be seeing his career out at Pearl Adidas We Say: I want Jan, and he wants to join Carmeuse. I can only assume p3druh has kidnapped his family and is holding him to ransom in return for good performances in the Ardennes. It's the only logical explanation. That aside, this is a very good all-round team, who with another stage race leader would be predicted first, no doubts whatsoever. Or if they were a team of molluscs. Because molluscs would be awesome at cycling. In my head, I mean, not in reality. Although come to think of it, I'm fairly sure what I think are molluscs are not molluscs. Molluscs are big long fish with lots of rows of pointy teeth, and a large dorsal fin? Aren't they?
Philips – TDC (CrueTrue) Seriously, what the hell is that symbol on the shoulders? Answers by PM
The Sponsor Philips is one of the largest electronics company in the world. TDC is a formerly nationalised telecommunications giant. In the metaphorical sense, not the actual sense. Last Year: 5th Goals: win Deutschland Tour, top 3 Lombardia, top 3 Tour, top 3 Northern Europe, top 5 team Strengths: Stage races. That's pretty much it. Although CrueTrue is the site owner, so if he decides to suddenly make Philips “win”, what the hell can you do. All hail our benevolent overlord! Weaknesses: Cobbles, sprints, not actually giants Average Age: 28.71 (16th) Average Average: 72.93 (6th) Highest Earner: Thomas Dekker (€950,000) Prediction: 11th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Thomas Dekker (Mountain 82, TT 79), Stijn Devolder (79 Mountain, 76 TT), Thomas Lovkvist (78 Mountain, 73 TT)
-- Ardennes: Joaquin Rodriguez Oliver (79 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Aleksandr Serebriakov (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Stijn Devolder (76 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Thomas Dekker (79 TT)
Best Gun: Thomas Dekker (Average 81): Hugely talented Dutch stage racer. No longer ruben's best buddy. Young Gun: Aleksandr Serebriakov (RUS, 24, 80 Sprint): may be maxxed out, but still a good sprinter, and with training, could be very good. Very good indeed. No Gun: Michael Morkov: this Danish sprinter is already maxxed out, and can look forward to an early retirement due to nobody wanting him. This will lead to a depressing career as an after dinner speaker, which will be ended abruptly with his suicide at 32 [CREDIT FOR THIS JOKE GOES TO FRANKIE BOYLE. DON'T HATE ME!] National Champions: Lars Ytting Bak (DEN TT) Do Say: Oh look, Dekker has won Le Tour... Don't Say:...oh look, now he's being escorted away by the anti doping authorities, after his urine sample melted the beaker. And a tall, angry Dutchman by the name of ruben is pelting him with stones. We Say: Thomas Dekker is one of the best Grand Tour riders in the world, and will be aiming to win in whatever race he is entered into. After this though, the team is lacking, and last years 5th place is as likely as Adolf Hitler (YAY, GODWIN'S LAW IS MET) being posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and being worshipped as the Messiah by Jewish people the world over.
Sony Ericsson (mattiasgt) It's the same as last year. And the year before that. And the 17 seasons before that one
The Sponsor Mobile phone joint venture between Japan's Sony, and Sweden's Ericcson. Last Year: 1st in Continental Tour (promoted) Goals: win Tirreno – Adriatico, win GP Yekeratinburg, top 10 LBL, top 10 Vuelta, top 10 ProTour Strengths: Cobbles, Ardennes, time trialing, getting good network coverage so riders can tweet during those crucial moments in the race Weaknesses: Stage races, Ballan not the best over cobbles, Apple stealing patents Average Age: 28.32 (14th) Average Average: 73.52 (3rd) Highest Earner: Yuri Trofimov (€797,000) Prediction: 14th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Marco Marzano (80 Mountain, 67 TT), Walter Pedraza (80 Mountain, 72 TT)
-- Ardennes: Yuri Trofimov (82 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Raul Granjel Cabrera (80 Sprint), Cameron Meyer (80 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Alessandro Ballan (81 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Sebastian Lang (80 TT)
Best Gun: Alessandro Ballan (Average 80): Strong cobbles rider, good over hills too. Young Gun: Jakub Danacik (CZE, 23, 70 Mountain, 70 Hill, 74 TT): Will never be a great rider, but is an ideal domestique and a bargain at a €55,000 salary. No Gun: Viktor Renang: put him alone against the clock, and he'll do decently. Put him in a pack, and he'll start acting out on his paranoid tendencies as other riders encroach 'on his space', before getting off his bike and running into a field screaming about how, “they're out to get me”, followed enthusiastically by an enthusiastic up and coming mechanic with a replacement bike. National Champions: Raul Granjel Cabrera (CUB RR), Sebastian Lang (DEU TT) Do Say: It's good to be back in the ProTour. Don't Say: Relegation. Again. At least we're consistent. We Say: Returning to the ProTour again, Sony Ericsson are in much better shape, with a small, strong squad, spearheaded by Ballan, Trofimov and Pedraza, who are likely to keep them up. But it'll be touch and go. Which is a bit like the situation Gary Glitter found himself in. Touch and go...to jail.
Team B&O (A_Schleck) The tiny little man on the belly button. Look at him. Walk around the room. He may be barely distinguishable, but did anyone else get the feeling he was watching you?
The Sponsor Bang and Olufsen make stupidly expensive audio and televisual products. Unless you're rolling in money, you won't be able to afford anything in this store. More to the point, why would you roll in money? Surely a mattress, or a load of feathers is much softer, and more snuggly? Last Year: 15th Goals: top 3 LBL, stage win in Tour, top 3 Paris – Nice, top 3 Lombardia, top 10 in ProTour Strengths: Stage racing, EBH IS THE GREATEST CYCLIST THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN <3, 102 inch plasma tv's mounted on all bikes Weaknesses: Sprinting, the 102 inch plasma tv affects speed, balance, rider vision – basically every aspect of performance. Average Age: 25.23 (3rd) Average Average: 72.56 (8th) Highest Earner: Aleksandr Pluchkin (€620,000) Prediction: 12th
Best Gun: Edvald Boasson Hagen (85 Average): already established himself as even better than Eddy Merckx, having won 10 of each Grand Tour and 10 of each Monument in his short 4 year career, other riders cower in fear as Edvald powers away from them at kilometre 0, with the riders knowing they'll not see him again. Young Gun: Edvald Boasson Hagen (NOR, 24, 85 in Everything): Having already won 23 Tour de France's in his short 2 year career, Edvald is predicted to hit triple figures next year. No Gun: All the riders who aren't EBH: all the other riders don't even bother starting, they just wait at the finish and wildly celebrate as Edvald inevitably wins with a 7 hour gap. National Champions: Roman Kreuziger (CZE TT), Aleksandr Pluchkin (MOL TT), Edvald Boasson Hagen (World Champion for life) Do Say: Light the cigars boys, Edvald has won every race he's entered, and many that he hasn't. Don't Say: I don't want to interrupt, but I think you may be over-hyping Edvald. Let's take you back to the loony asylum you poor, deranged, Norwegian fanboy. We Say: Now that lunatic's been carted off, back to business. Pluchkin is a very strong stage racer, Edvald is good in the Ardennes (82 Hill if you were wondering). After that, not enough to be anything above mediocre...how did you get back here?!? Get off the f***ing laptop! EDVALD IS GOD! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP HIM!
Edited by Crommy on 17-05-2010 12:33
Team Nespresso (untal) Built in "coffee" smell. Not particularly useful, but the designers were very insistent on it
The Sponsor Nespresso make coffee machines and also the coffee sachets to be used with them. Sadly, my idea for a vodka coffee was not taken up. Bastards. Last Year: 4th in Continental Tour (as Nespresso - Sportzone) Goals: top 10 Paris-Roubaix, top 10 Giro, top 3 Deutschland Tour, win Tour de Romandie, top 10 ProTour Strengths: Stage races, time trialing, caffeine boosted performances Weaknesses: Sprints, ardennes, all riders constantly trembling due to their caffeine addiction. Average Age: 26.95 (8th) Average Average: 72.8 (7th) Highest Earner: Vladimir Karpets (€920,000) Prediction: 10th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Vladimir Karpets (80 Mountain, 78 TT), Sergio Luis Henao Montoya (82 Mountain, 71 TT)
-- Ardennes: Danilo Di Luca (78 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Ivano Lo Cicero (82 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Geert Steurs (80 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Martijn Keizer (81 TT), Jaocb “Child” Fiedler (80 TT)
Best Gun: Vladimir Karpets (Average 79): Strong used carpet salesman. Spends weekends racing Le Tour. Young Gun: Sergio Luis Henao Montoya (COL, 24, 82 Mountain, 71 TT): very promising stagte racer, who could bag some top 10s this year. Has a ridiculous number of names. I suggest giving him the nickname Dave for brevity. No Gun: Youcef Reguigui: only a stagiare, but still a waste of time, money, effort, training, schooling, love, care, attention, paper, ink (for the contract), resources, and his parents “bumping uglies” to create this terrible, terrible cyclist. Here's a hint for you Youcef: Get out while you still can and choose a profession where your talents might actually benefit you: perhaps you could become a waste paper basket, or a shovel. National Champions: Vladimir Karpets (RUS TT) Do Say: Vladimir takes another win... Don't Say: ...and now he's trying to sell the rest of the pack carpets... We Say: Nespresso only came 4th last year in the Continental tour, but relegation should not be an issue for them as they have the riders to stay up. A dearth of coffee should not be an issue either, with the team's two hundred strong fleet of coffee machines which follows the team around.
Team Starbucks – Radioshack (Macquet)[/i] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Now it's some American corporations, coming to take away your soul
The Sponsor: Starbucks is the largest coffee house chain in the world. Radioshack sell electronics, and bow down to the every whim of Lance Armstring. Last Year: 7th in Continental Tour (as Team Starbucks) Goals: 15 stage wins, win California, top 10 Paris-Nice, stage win in all 3 GT's, top 10 ProTour Strengths: Stage races, able to buy 5 coffees at Starbucks and get the 6th free. Weaknesses: Ardennes, sprints. Average Age: 27.78 (11th) Average Average: 72.09 (12th) Highest Earner: €650,000 Prediction: 19th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Andrei Amador (79 Mountain, 77 TT), Robert Kiserlovski (79 Mountain, 71 TT)
-- Ardennes: Giovanni Visconti (76 TT)
-- Sprinter: Oscar Freire (78 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Arnaud Coyot (77 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Andrei Amador (77 TT)
Best Gun: Andrei Amador (Average 77): Costa Rican stage racer who'll do well in the shorter tours which have long time trials. Young Gun: Kristjan Koren (SLO, 25, 73 Hill, 76 TT): decent domestique and time trial specialist, still not maxxed out No Gun: Matthew Crane: this American's specialism is being s***. Wouldn't win a race even if all the other riders were forced to ride without any wheels. Yes, he really is that bad. National Champions: Vladimir Efimkim (RUS RR), Robert Kiserlovski (CRO RR), Andrei Amador (CRC TT). Do Say: Hey, free Starbucks discount... Don't Say:...[a month later] NEED CAFFEINE – We will not ride until you pump caffeine directly into our veins. We Say: This team was only promoted through luck, with teams dropping out and teams not able to promote, and it shows. This team are favourites to be relegated, mainly because they lack a top quality leader, although Amador could do well in stage races with smaller mountains. Rumours that Lance Armstrong will be making a return for them next season were denied as, “false.” by the man himself, as he sported Radioshack clothing, at a Radioshack press centre.
Vesuvio – Accumalux (SportingNonsense) [/i] For an extra $39, you can get the "flaming" edition of the jersey. It's like the normal one, except we set it on fire
The Sponsor Accumalux make plastics...I think. Kind of hard to find anything out about them. Vesuvio is A GIANT F***ING VOLCANO. Just think about that when you look at your own sponsors. Yes, that's right, your sponsors suck in the face of such awesomeness. Last Year: 6th (as Accumalux - Huez) Goals: win Classique du Grand Duche, top 3 LBL, top 3 Vuelta, top 10 Lombardia, top 10 ProTour Strengths: Stage races, ardennes, time trialing, unlimited supply of fire and magma with which to put on incredible pyrotechnic displays. Weaknesses: Cobbles, sprints, riders forced tol hold team meetings inside Vesuvius (it's a tad hot) Average Age: 25.04 (1st) Average Average: 71.21 (18th) Highest Earner: Rigoberto Uran (€950,000) Prediction: 3rd
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Frank Schleck (81 Mountain, 71 TT), Rigoberto Uran (82 Mountain, 78 TT), Benat Intxausti (82 Mountain, 77 TT)
-- Ardennes: Frank Schleck (84 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Jan Hopman (75 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Amadou Bakari (81 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Marcel Kittel (81 TT), Michael Ford (81 TT)
Best Gun: Frank Schleck (Average 82): the team's talisman is the best rider over the hills, and still a very good stage racer. Fear him. But fear the volcano more. Young Gun: Thomas Faiers (GBR, 24, 71 Mountain): still plenty of experience levels to grow into, could become a good climber, will be a solid helper this year. No Gun: Amadou Bakari: He may have 81 cobble, but the rest of him is as s***ty as the London Sewerage system. When reaching the first set of cobbles, will accelerate ahead, because he's good at them. Will then, within 10 seconds, get caught and go out of the back when his stamina starts to be tested in the slightest. National Champions: Rigoberto Uran (COL TT), Matea Kvasina (CRO TT). Do Say: Fantastic win in Liege Frank, much better than your brother... Don't Say: ...thanks for showering us with burning hot lava in celebration Vesuvius We Say: It's a giant bloody volcano, sponsoring a ProTour cycling team. Your argument is invalid.
Anyway, a very strong team who will challenge for the title, but lacking a sprinter and a good cobble guy could scupper their chances.
Warner Brothers (doddy13) [/i] I know what you're thinking. I would look fabulous in that. Damn right I would
The Sponsor Warner Brothers produces film and TV. Most famous for cartoons such as Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny. Last Year: 13th Goals: No team page = me having no idea what they are. MAKE A TEAM PAGE . Strengths: Tom Boonen. That's who. Stage races. Cobbles, sprints Weaknesses: Time trialing. If you exclude Tom Boonen, then sprints and a lack of depth in leaders. Average Age: 29.15 (19th) Average Average: 71.63 (16th) Highest Earner: Tom Boonen and Simon Spilak (€1,000,000) Prediction: 8th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Simon Spilak (82 Mountain, 77 TT)
-- Ardennes: Simon Spilak (80 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Tom Boonen (85 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Tom Boonen (83 Cobble), Juan-Antonio Flecha (79 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Simon Spilak (77 TT).
Best Gun: Tom Boonen (Average 82): still the best rider in the world, but his dominance over the pavé began to unstick last year with the emergence of Burghardt, and with Cancellara now improved – well, he'll find it a lot harder. Young Gun: Simon Spilak (SLO, 25, 82 Mountain, 80 Hill, 77 TT): already an all-round master, some people have called him Frank Schleck's successor (well I have), just better at time trialing. Fully deserves the same wage as Boonen. No Gun: Greg De Winde: race organisers will want to welcome him as much they'd want to contract the Zaire strain of Ebola. He adds nothing to the race, the team, cycling, sport in general, his nation, the human race as a whole. A waste of good, valuable air. National Champions: Simon Spilak (SLO RR) Do Say: It's a sprint in the Roubaix – an easy win for Tom Boonen. Time to celebrate... Don't Say: ..no Tom, don't celebrate with the white stuff. We Say: Spilak and Boonen are two super riders, who will get this team another year in the middle of the table, but will not break into the top ranks again. This is more important news though: “Cartoon capers abound with Cocaine Tom.” That was the press release from Warner Brothers today, as they launched their new cartoon, “Cocaine Tom.”
Wikipedia (dave92) [/i] But how can Wikipedia find the funds to sponsor a cycling team? It makes no sense.
The Sponsor Wikipedia is a not for profit organisation which hosts an online encyclopedia. So how they've found the funds to sponsor a cycling team is beyond me. Last Year: 2nd Goals: top 5 Tour, win California, win Individual TT, win Eindhoven TTT, top 3 ProTour Strengths: TIME TRIALING, Stage races. Cobbles. Weaknesses: Ardennes, sprints, anyone can edit their rider profiles on Wikipedia (I never knew David Zabriskie invented the penis pump! And Marcus Burghardt was part of the Jamaican bobsleigh team at the 1872 Winter Olympics!) Average Age: 25.14 (2nd) Average Average: 71.78 (15th) Highest Earner: Dave Zabriskie (€825,000) Prediction: 6th
Leaders (Best Rider shown + any other notables):
-- Stage Races: Taylor Phinney (81 Mountain, 83 TT)
-- Ardennes: Tejay Van Garderen (80 Hill)
-- Sprinter: Tyler Farrar (79 Sprint)
-- Cobbles: Marcus Burghardt (84 Cobble)
-- Time Trial: Dave Zabriskie (85 TT)
Best Gun: David Zabriskie (79 Average): If he enters a time trial, HE WILL WIN. Simple as, there's nobody near him. Young Gun: Taylor Phinney (USA, 21, 81 Mountain, 77 Hill, 83 TT): Lance Armstrong's successor? At only 21, if he is trained in climbing, he most certainly will be. No Gun: Danny Pate: Young. Talented. Value for money. Future great. These are some of the words which will never apply to this appalling American. Here's some words which will: utter s***, absolutely s***, absolutely completely s***, absolutely 100% grade A Gordon Brown's economic prowess , what “meat” they put in chicken nuggets thinking Hitler was a nice guy (á la Neville Chamberlain) s***. National Champions: Taylor Phinney (USA RR + TT), Marcus Burghardt (DEU RR), Christian Meier (CAN TT). Do Say: Here comes the time trial, time for Dave to win Don't Say: What do you mean we forgot to bring Dave?!?! Where the hell is he? THE HOTEL! But he's starting in 10 seconds!!! We Say: An incredible season last year, and an incredible team this year too. We've predicted 6th, but they could easily win the ProTour. Or if they don't, dave92 will just edit Wikipedia to say they did. And I'm sure cyclingnews will print exactly the same thing the next day, given the quality of their journalism.
Edited by Crommy on 17-05-2010 12:41
And Robin van der Hugenhaben is still an utterly ridiculous name.
Ill take you behind the scenes in my thought process for that name.
Step 1 - I need a Dutch name
Step 2 - Robin seems like a good enough first name
Step 3 - The surname? Van ... der .... Hugenhaben? Hugenhaben sounds ridiculously Dutch enough. Van der Hugenhaben it is!
If you were German, you might have picked up the ridiculous nature of Diemar Mehr-Wenige's name. Again, Dietmar was the German name that appeared in my head. Mehr is German for More, Wenige is German for Less.
Very nice preview from my team, although Bewley isn't 770.000 wage in my team. I only pay half+ of it. He is a loanie, as is Madrazo, so eventhough they are going to be great next year, it won't be at Festina
