Le Tour de France sans Directeur
Part 3 - Pyrenees
I thought I'd keep you up to date with what it's like to ride for a team with no manager. Our boss recently ran off to the Caribbean to evade the tax authorities and didn't think about giving the job to someone else. Operation Headless Chicken has begun...
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Last time, we finished in Montpellier and that's where we start here, with a tough stage over 200km in length and with two tough climbs in the middle. So, once again, the Frenchies went on strike and we weren't seen on camera all day. Fortunately for us, the organisers' computer system failed so the full results were never published. But, I assume we were all at the back with the women and children. We did, however, beat both Henao and Ten Dam, so there. I'll admit they were in hospital with broken bones but we still beat them and that's all that matters.
Now, we were in to the real mountains. The first stage in the Pyrenees took us over the Pailheres and then up to Ax 3 Domaines for the first summit finish. And...
...Would you believe it?! That red jersey on the right is ours! Christophe Le Mevel used all of his experience to understand the word attack. This kicked off a massive celebration at the team car so the rest of us dropped back to watch the men on stilts juggling and the carnival floats, unicyclists and fire eaters were all good fun. Of course, it came to nothing and was a complete waste of time and energy but at least the world knew we were in the race now. After I got to the finish, I looked at the results and it turned out our best rider was Bagot nearly fourteen minutes down. Coppel did turn out to be useless after all. Our GC charge was really kicking in now, with Le Mevel up to a quite frankly terrifying 60th place!
On to stage 9 and a lot more mountains, five to be precise. After yesterday's incredible performance, we were quite motivated to go again and try to get Le Mevel in to the top 50 (we dream big here at Cofidis). Unfortunately, the French once again surrendered early on, leaving the Brit to clean up the mess and save the day. Coppel actually made it in to the peloton and was the final rider from that group to finish, in 63rd place. I dragged the others home in 65th, over nine minutes down, with Le Mevel in tears about his top 50 hopes going up in smoke. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
When I say the others, it wasn't quite everyone. Petit, in particular, is really showing the world just how useless he can be, consistently finishing outside the top 180. And on this day, he excelled, finishing a brilliant 192nd, 39 minutes down. Of course, the Lanterne Rouge is now the only thing we can actually win in this race, so many resources will be pumped in to Petit's battle with Mauro Da Dalto to take that highly prestigious prize.
Everyone here is really enjoying the rest day. Then again, it's been no different to the race days really: A lot of card games, shrugging and soft pedalling. Coming up we have the ITT! My day to shine and let's be honest, all I have to do to be the standout performer so far is finish in the top 60. We currently have six guys in the top 80 in the GC but none in the top 60, so, due to our incompetence, we're all going to start within half an hour of each other. Which will be wonderful for the crowd, who weren't expecting a TTT.
I do have some serious business in the meantime though as I have a couple of offers on the table for next season. I have looked through both and will hope to make the decision by the second rest day. All I can say for now is, it looks like I'll be riding in the WT next year, which is great news for me. Mainly because there are no Jerome Coppels in the World Tour.
Allez le poulet sans tete!!
Manager of Bunzl - Centrica
ICL's World Tour Champions and Talented Bottlers
Le Tour de France sans Directeur
Part 4 - The Wild North
I thought I'd keep you up to date with what it's like to ride for a team with no manager. Our boss recently ran off to the Caribbean to evade the tax authorities and didn't think about giving the job to someone else. Operation Headless Chicken has begun...
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After we had enjoyed a nice rest day with much food and a nice bottle of Chablis, we resumed with this damn race (will it ever end?). Unfortunately, being ultra-slim cyclists, the alcohol had absolutely destroyed us and we spent the day at the team car, taking all manner of hangover cures. Everybody except for Petit, that is, as due to the fact that he's a fat bastard, he wasn't hungover at all. So, he made the front group in a split and sprinted to a new record 57th place. Impressive.
Further back, the rest of us finished four minutes down, covered in our own slobber and vomit but we were close enough to Britain that this was acceptable. We all swore we'd never drink again and headed for the hotel. Funnily enough, despite being semi-dead, we still beat Christophe Kern by three minutes. I'd love to find out what he was drinking on the rest day.
The next day, however, was the big one. The fairly long, flat ITT to Mont Saint-Michel that I'd been targeting from January. Unfortunately, my night spent in the toilet wishing I was dead had clearly cost me some energy as, despite taking the lead when I finished, I ended up down in 19th, which is, quite frankly, merde. To make it even worse, I was beaten by the rubberface himself, Voeckler. Coppel did alright, beating strong time trialllists like Phinney and Millar, while the rest of the team surprisingly didn't royally suck and all finished in the top 150. Funnily enough, despite riding on frames which had LOOK written on them in massive lettering, nobody watching gave a shit and we had to get an artist's impression of what I looked like during the TT. Sadly, the artist was a racist and didn't like Brits, so the drawing wasn't particularly helpful. Or accurate.
Stage 12 took us in the wrong direction, away from England, and was a really flat stage with no chance for the breakaway. So, Hardy finally woke up and decided to waste all of his energy in the breakaway. Despite this, he was still our best finisher as our star sprinter Petit had a rare off day and finished 130th. I had the most boring day imaginable but luckily, due to our 21 year old DS' lax attitude and fondness for technology, I was allowed my phone, so spent most of the day on Twitter, reading the Live Feed to find out how long there was to go.
Stage 13 was the final transitional stage and so we had no aims, pretty much like all the other stages really. However, little did we all know when we were standing on the start line, that this would be the greatest day in the race so far. Then again, had we all packed up and gone home, it still would have been our best day. Coppel finally, finally did something and got into the break of the day. Look, see, he is here!
He even used his well renowned sprinting ability to take maximum points at the IS! We all suspected doping back in the peloton but we mustn't mention the d-word. Shit, I just did. Anyway, back to the race and Coppel managed to just about beat the peloton home and take fifth place!! What a day! Petit was, of course, furious, as this result took the shine off his amazing 85th place finish but that's just the way it goes sometimes.
As it turns out, the only thing worse than us at this race is the organisation as we haven't seen a full GC classification since the ITT. But the Lanterne Rouge is looking very unlikely as Petit just refuses to get dropped and isn't nearly as shit as Mauro Da Dalto but there's always next year.
In the next week, I have to go up the Ventoux and the Alpe D'Huez. Twice. So that will be fun.
Allez le poulet sans tete!!
Manager of Bunzl - Centrica
ICL's World Tour Champions and Talented Bottlers
Hi, its me Pierre again. Its a shame that i can see Tour de France (my beloved home race) from the TV, but some registration-administration problems denied my starting. This way i send my good wishes and congratulations for Birtles, LeMevel and the rest of my teammates. As my season finale races, i cant say any sure thing. My team compete in some good races (some of them french) so if im in form, maybe i can start racing. Thats all for now. Bye
I thought I'd keep you up to date with what it's like to ride for a team with no manager. Our boss recently ran off to the Caribbean to evade the tax authorities and didn't think about giving the job to someone else. Operation Headless Chicken has begun...
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Don't worry guys, I know the title is, er, interesting but it's safe for work. Until I get my thighs out...
Anyway, the Tour is over. I finished my first GT and what an experience that was. I feel like Frodo Baggins on Mount Doom, only much less hairy. I guess that makes Adrien Petit Gollum, which works. So, the Ventoux sucked. Great experience and great for the neutral, sure, but not really feeling being literally blown out the back by insane Colombians to be honest. I finished twenty minutes down with 'Big' Thor Hushovd, so my climbing was good that day. Coppel finished just behind the winner, which is astonishing. Oh, no, wait, he finished just behind Winner Anacona, which makes more sense.
The next stage was an obvious breakaway stage, so we didn't bother going on the attack and AG2R took the win. We went down the famous descent in to Gap and I did think about doing a 'Lance' through the field but then I realised that he was on the good shit back then and I wasn't so it would have ended in the ditch as a tired, broken mess.
Then came a TT with some hills in it. Coppel did very well to take 16th, just behind Froome, while my regretful legs carried me to 42nd, almost two minutes off the win. Ouch.
The next day was a truly wondrous occasion for my battered body as the kind organisers let us climb the Alpe d'Huez twice. Edet loved it though and got in the breakaway. Unsurprisingly, he was dropped on the first time up the Alpe and returned to the team car asking about our plans for Sunday night in Paris. Once again, I was almost twenty minutes down as I came across the line with Chris Anker, which must be rhyming slang, surely?
Two more days in the Alps were left. Stage 19 saw Coppel get in to the break of the day. Two days in a row!! But once again, he couldn't hang on and another French team won the stage. But look at this scary ass picture:
Does Jerome have a weird stalker? That's actually him riding in for tenth place in amongst the big boys. Maybe next year, hey Jerome? Guess what? I lost another twenty minutes. At least I'm consistent. Tragically, our star sprinter Petit was just too fat to get over these climbs and left the race before he got the chance to show his power on the Champs. Disaster for the team.
The final mountain stage was odd. Pinot actually turned up at last and Andy Schleck did something !! While Froome was busy smiting everyone up front, we actually had a bad day (no, really) and I had to drag the team over the line on my best day in the mountains. I even put thirty seconds into Coppel. Being the best rider in the team on the final mountain stage of the Tour isn't a great advert for the climbers at Cofidis.
On the final stage, I was just happy to have made it to Paris but Coppel wasn't finished and made the breakaway again. Pointless, you say, on this pure sprinter's day. Nope, that's a picture of him beating Greipel on the Champs Elysees...
Now, to the title. I finished my first Grand Tour in, you guessed it, 69th position, which is clearly the best place to finish if you can't win it. Our best placed rider was Coppel, who narrowly missed out on a prestigious top 50 in 53rd, one hour and seventeen minutes behind the winner. He also came 17th in the Points standings??? As a team, let's face it, we sucked balls. You could say it was an EPIC fail. But, we still beat Cannondale by over three hours in the team standings, so that's something.
Thanks for following my debut Grand Tour experience. One which was made hopeless by our lack of manager. Thankfully, I did enough to attract interest and I am delighted to say I will be riding for Radioshack next year. Their boss convinced me that it was the right place to go and at least they speak English there. Or Fabian-glish in Canc's case. I look forward to riding a Grand Tour with a plan and direction next year.
My next race is the Tour of Denmark where I'm looking at the ITT for a strong result. See you then.
Au revoir le poulet sans tete.
Manager of Bunzl - Centrica
ICL's World Tour Champions and Talented Bottlers
After our terrible Tour de France, we needed to restore some pride and the next race was the Tour of Denmark. Coming in to the race, morale was pretty low amongst the entire squad, with most of us not entirely sure we belonged in the Pro peloton. So, what we needed was some success. Enter Adrien Petit.
That win was exactly what we all needed and I suddenly felt better about myself. The next day, we had a leader's jersey to defend but, despite another strong ride from Petit, finishing fourth, he lost it to another Adrien, strangely, in Sky's Hanzen. Stage three saw Hanzen and Ciolek ride away on the final climb and gain just enough time that the battle for the overall win looked to be exclusively between those two with only a short ITT to come.
The breakaway mopping up all of the bonus seconds on stage four helped but I still went into the ITT over a minute behind Hanzen and almost a minute behind Ciolek. With it being only 14 kilometres, I honestly expected to be battling for third. But sometimes, you just have great days in cycling, when no matter what you do, your legs keep going round with ease. This was one of those days.
I clearly still had the form from Le Tour and managed to beat the great Sir Brad at his own game by ten whole seconds. The day got even better when I found out that, not only had I just scored my first pro victory, but I'd absolutely destroyed Ciolek and Hanzen to take the leader's jersey. With just one flat stage to go, I had the full support of the team, as they kept me out of trouble all day before Levarlet gave me a leadout to 18th position in the bunch sprint. And that was that, I'd won.
I cannot believe I have won. I always expected to get my first win in a time-trial, but to beat Wiggins is just amazing. And then to wrap up the race win is a dream come true. The only reason I came to Denmark was because our manager disappeared and didn't enter the races I had in my original schedule but I'll tell you something, I'll be back. Denmark is definitely my favourite country now.
Always nice to get a win just after signing a new contract. I hope Radioshack's management were watching. I'm better than Cancellara...
Jordan Birtles
Manager of Bunzl - Centrica
ICL's World Tour Champions and Talented Bottlers
I have serious news. I thinked my season is over and suddenly two great invitations came. I was part of my team lineup at Chrono des Nations. I came there with lack of fittness but with a lot of motivation. Pain, pain and pain. I was full of pain for all the kms of TTing. But the breakthrough come to me and i obtained the 4th plcae. Wow. I was so impressed, i never thinked that. About the second suprise. I was invited by the french national captain to the worl championships. Such a honor, to serve my country. I have no big hopes, but a TOP10 result in the TT will be fine. No, not will be, i know i can do it. Cheers. Pierre
It's the first time at the worlds - and I love it. Our hotel is filled with all the top stars of the cycling and I really feel at the right place.
The first two events have already took place: The two time trials. My main goal was to get some race rhythm here as the old moron called "cofidis DS" did not allowed us to prepare for this event. What a scumbag!
I plan to win the Road Race and since nobody - not even I - can recover so well to have fresh legs on 4 consecutive events I had to play it cool and let other shine. Let's be honest: The other contestents like Kim Pu-ding are decent time triallists, too, and if I would beat them in the U23 TT, I would miss the energy in the upcoming events. And I have to admit that i need another year until I can be on the same level as Tony Martin. He's just the world beater!
In the end, I was really surprised that I finished 7th in the juniors TT. Either the field was really weak this year or my form is really excellent despite having trained alone most of the time. God, that is promising!
Thomas Schwabe
PS: It's great to see that my pure talent gets recognized by others. The commentator talks about me as the next Ulle. I love the sound of it. It's my idol after all!
Congratulations to Pierre, Jordan & Thomas on your great results. Must have been difficult to remain focused during such a troubled time in the team. Now Cofidis is under new management I hope you might consider joining us again in the future. Hercule PouletEdited by DaveTwoBob on 24-11-2014 21:03
For the Road Races we (Schröder, Hintermüller and me) decided to make a fair deal: The rider with the best results throughout the year would become leader for the U23 while the strongest one in there would lead in the road race.
I had to agree to this so that the others will not fight against me there and tbh, the U23 WC title isn't worth that much...
However, this meant that I had to work for Christian in the U23 RR. After his success in the Tour of Norway we could not argue too much
I did a tremendous effort to control the race for over 200km, exhausting the other teams and bringing Christian into a great position to finish my work from a very, very reduced group. But he was so dumb to waste all his energy within 10 kilometres to miss out on the safe victory against some guys who did not even had a team mate on their side!
After that poor performance of him, it has to be obvious for the whole team: I have to be the captain for the Elites World Championship Road Race. What a pleasure!
Thomas Schwabe
PS: The new management of Cofidis has shown interest to resign me. As if I had not seen enough of those french idiots. The old management surrenders after only days (So french ) and shortly after I signed a contract with the best German team their interest into my services is back. Quel bâton merdeux!
Hi Thomas, sorry if my message was not clear. I understand all the young talented riders riding for Cofidis have either found new teams for next season or retired and I respect those decisions. I was just hoping you wouldn't rule us out for the 2015 season and beyond.
Best of luck, Hercule.
It's enough! This bloody bastard died for me. First he [Christian Schröder] takes my leader role in the U23 race and when I finally have received my leader role for the most important race of the whole season - the World's Road Race - he destroys it again.
How hard could it be? HE HAD ONE JOB! ONLY ONE JOB! ONE THING TO DO! It's crazy that people at these jobs FAIL so hard. And that's what he did. His job was to protect me all race long so that i could ride secured into the final kms and what is he doing? He falls down right in front of me and of course, he had to take me down, too.
This ends the season for me but I am next season in a better team and unlike this "Mr." Schröder I can return to the U23 race next year so I have this going for me which is nice.
I did, however, manage to save enough form for the World Championships where I was able to come away with a nice, shiny medal. It was only a bronze but it's definitely better than nothing and I start next season as favourite for the U23 ITT, so I'll have more pressure next year. The road race was good fun but also carnage. Myself and Josh Burton managed to look after our leader Hanzen right until the very end but he sadly just missed out on a medal. It was great to ride in the British jersey with my friends anyway and I hope to do the same in the Elite race soon.
So, I'm now off to Garmin after some contractual disasters and I'm looking forward to riding alongside riders I can actually understand. I hope Garmin will guide me to the top. Get it? Oh come on.
Jordan BirtlesEdited by brewers90 on 09-12-2014 13:50
Manager of Bunzl - Centrica
ICL's World Tour Champions and Talented Bottlers
!! While Froome was busy smiting everyone up front, we actually had a bad day (no, really) and I had to drag the team over the line on my best day in the mountains. I even put thirty seconds into Coppel. Being the best rider in the team on the final mountain stage of the Tour isn't a great advert for the climbers at Cofidis.
) and shortly after I signed a contract with the best German team their interest into my services is back. Quel bâton merdeux! 
