@Nemolito - Unfortunately points aren't given to performances compared to other riders. We would scored much more then



The first month of racing is done, and the first rankings are released. It's nice for the statistics but does not give much insight into the final results due to the small amount of races.

		Team	Total	RD	PpRD	Proj
1		Trans Looney Tunes	443	17	26,06	4561
2		Binance	384	11	34,91	6109
3		Amaysim Cervelo	358	10	35,8	6265
4		Xero Racing	356	23	15,48	2709
5		Bralirwa - Stevens	304	13	23,38	4092
6		Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	271	23	11,78	2062
7		HelloFresh - Lampre	232	8	29	5075
8		Carlsberg - Danske Bank	224	13	17,23	3015
9		Crabbe-CC Chevigny	214	10	21,4	3745
10		Kraftwerk Man Machine	213	12	17,75	3106
11		Lierse SK - Pizza Ullo PCTeam	188	20	9,4	1645
12		Sauber Petronas Racing	176	18	9,78	1712
13		Minions - Subwoolfer	173	11	15,73	2753
14		Red Bull Zalgiris	172	11	15,64	2737
15		Assa Abloy	158	11	14,36	2513
16		Philips - Force India	131	8	16,38	2867
17		Team Popo4Ever	121	10	12,1	2118
18		Zara - Irizar	111	9	12,33	2158
19		Indosat Ooredoo	73	11	6,64	1162
20		Volcanica - Fox	64	11	5,82	1019
21		Project: Africa	42	8	5,25	919
22		Cedevita	35	7	5	875
23		Strava	22	11	2	350
24		Voyagin - Bird	18	9	2	350

Unlucky for some, but we are in thirteenth place after January. We do not intend to stay here for the entire season, because we do not want another boring season. We want to go up!

Last	Rider	Nat		Team	Total
1	Jay McCarthy	AUS		Amaysim Cervelo	225
9	Daniel Vesely	CZE		Minions - Subwoolfer	114
41	Evgenii Tikhonin	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	32
74	Kazushige Kuboki	JPN		Minions - Subwoolfer	11
87	Nathan Brown	USA		Minions - Subwoolfer	8
113	Felix English	IRL		Minions - Subwoolfer	5
147	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	MEX		Minions - Subwoolfer	2
164	Jan Stöckli	SWI		Minions - Subwoolfer	1

Individually, Vesely is our best scorer of the month after decent races in Down Under, and the other big leaders Cattaneo and Dennis haven't raced yet. A surprise second place for loanee Tikhonin due to his white jersey in the TDU, whose season is already successful. Kuboki is on the podium ahead of Brown, who was underwhelming in Hong Kong. English, Lemus Davila and Stöckli also scored their first points for the team.

@Ollfardh - Our battle for thirteenth will be legendary!



Ninety-six riders have had the honor of belonging to the best cycling team in history. To honor them, we'll be going through the archives to discuss them all. At the end of each month, a group of riders is selected with something in common. Where were they before they became addicted to bananas? How did they do on the road? Where are they now? This adventure culminates in the introduction of the Minions Hall of Fame, where we honor our legends.

This month's group: loanees. Riders who weren't technically ours but rode in our jersey anyway. Mostly young kids at the start of their career, so a good time to see if their education here got them to higher levels. Let's meet our first nine (former) riders.

Maxime Le Montagner



Our first ever loanee to participate in a race was Maxime Le Montagner, whom we acquired in our second season in exchange for selling Jeandesbosz to Generali, effectively losing two riders. The Frenchman had an uneventful season except for one race, Benelux Challenge, where he got in the lead of the youth classification. All he had to do to win it was roll over the line, but instead he decided to crash. Generali noticed to bottle as well and sold him off to Vivacom at the end of the year, where he was let go after two more seasons. He has not appeared in professional cycling since.



Evgenii Tikhonin



From the oldest to most recent loan-in, Evgenii Tikhonin came in from Tinkoff in his second full-time season after a short stagiare period at the end of 2020 and a loan stint at HelloFresh the previous season. The young Russian has already shown his worth by winning the white jersey in the Tour Down Under, and is currently our second-best scoring rider. Admitted, he had some luck with being ahead of splits, but positioning is an often undervalued skill. He has a bright future.



Savva Novikov



Tikhonin is inseparable from Savva Novikov, another young Russian who joined us this season, on loan from Tinkoff, after representing HelloFresh the year before. Last year he beat is Siamese twin in the rankings, but has taken an early deficit for this season. We've been told he should be somewhere in this picture.



Odd Christian Eiking



He might have an odd name, but Odd Christian Eiking has beaten the odds to even become a star puncheur. We knew he was talented when Equinor (now Gjensidige) approached us for a loan-deal, and over the season got in quite a few breakaways collecting mountain points, including in his native Norway. After a further development year at Aegon he became one of CT's best puncheur and was instrumental in the teams promotion last year. When we're racing against him, I hope he remembers where he learned his moves from.



Clement Champoussin



We admit to wanting to sign Clement Champoussin for ourselves, but his price tag and talent meant bigger teams could offer him much more. So we settled for the next best option, loan him in for his debut season. Signs of being destined for greater things were shown in the Tour of Andorra, where two breakaway appearances over heavy mountains culminated in a twenty-eighth place. He then got developed in-house at Huski, and for this year he is loaned back out to Philips.



Salah Eddine Mraouni



Salah Eddine Mraouni is one of ISA - Hexacta's most trusted domestiques, going into his seventh season under contract with the team. His second season, our first season in PCT, is when he was loaned out to us. Here he is pictured in the morning breakaway for the Kenya Mountain Classic. We remember him as a wonderful lad and a hard worker.



Mauri Vansevenant



Last season we had Mauri Vansevenant on loan. The Belgian all-rounder came courtesy of Aegon. His season had no extreme highs or lows, but scored some decent points over the season to even beat out a few experienced riders on the team. For this season, Aegon have kept them for themselves to see if he's truly as good as people believe.



Nervin Jiatz



When looking at the records, we noticed a certain Nervin Jiatz from Guatemala on the books for our promotion season. However, we have no recollection of him at all. The description states he should be in this picture, but we can't figure out who he is. We tried to contact him but he's not listed in any credible database anymore. We're starting to think Aeropostal scammed us, knowing we'd want a Guatemalan rider in the year we were based in Guatemala.



Clenne Morvan Moulingui



Finally, a look at our most successful loanee ever, and it's without a doubt Clenne Morvan Moulingui. The Gabonese cobbler joined for the 2018 season on loan from GCN. The picture above was taken with Summerhill and Bewley, two legends of the sport, at Omloop het Nieuwsblad that year. You're probably thinking he got lapped, but you're wrong, he survived from an early breakaway to hang on to their wheels. Obviously he would be no match for them in a sprint, but third place in a PTHC race is better than Zepuntke ever managed to do! This performance was so mega it made him our sixth-best rider from this race alone. Grieg loaned him in the year thereafter, but he has never been able to replicate this performance. We considered bringing him back to the team after the disbandment of GCN, but he decided to stay local with Project Africa, where we wish him all the best. And if you ever feel like needing a new adventure, our door is always open.

@TheManxMissile - Thanks. There are a few cross-overs between our teams so familiar faces will turn up



Copenhagen - Malmo TTT
February 2, PT



Our most popular PT wildcard, featuring in 2019 (thirteenth) and 2021 (ninth) as well, is the team time trial over the bridge. From Copenhagen in Denmark to Malmo in Sweden, the race allows us to send our strongest eight time trialists. The Cattaneo - Dennis duo makes their (unofficial-ish) debut, and their only combined TTT appearance.

With start number 16 we drew a favorable running order. When we crossed the first checkpoint we were just outside the top ten, but we deliberately held back a little to push harder at the end with the goal to end up in that top ten. At the end of the bridge we already clocked the eighth time, and at the finish line we passed ELCO for seventh. Seven teams finished after us, of which three were faster. This means we finished exactly tenth, achieving our goal.

1	EA Vesuvio	1h02'41
10	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 44

Omloop Het Nieuwsblad
February 4, HC



The cobblestone season traditionally opens with Omloop het Nieuwsblad. However, with the departure of Zepuntke, it is not really a terrain we are particularly excited about anymore. Furthermore, this race clashes with Viana do Castelo, which is where our remaining specialists went. So, the imaginary leader for this race is English, assisted by Coppel and our four talents. That's the minimum of six riders met.

Our leader placed himself in the breakaway but other teams were scared of him, so he dropped back, we think. Tikhonin did make it in the breakaway but when things got tough he got dropped quickly. He would be our best finisher in 70th though. Coppel's fragile bones broke on the first cobblestone sector and he had to abandon.

1	Joeri Stallaert	Bralirwa - Stevens	5h06'16
70	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 18'14
111	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 30'06
120	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 33'22
128	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 37'14
134	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 40'46
	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	DNF

Viana do Castelo
February 4, C1



Viana do Castelo usually attracts a small field, because of its uncharacteristic profile and the clash with Omloop. We figured there was nothing to gain for us in the latter so we give this race a shot. Sweeck, De Witte and Marcos are our three hopefuls, with the latter especially suited to the asphalted hill-cobbled downhill laps.

Marcos' game plan was to attack on the hill and extend his lead on the cobbles. He did exactly that, but did not take into account Meurisse doing the same but better. The Belgian would win the race while the Cuban lost all his energy and finished outside the points.

Sweeck and De Witte did not attack and remained in the peloton which gradually lost riders. In the sprint to the finish line they finished eighth and eleventh respectively, a result we could only dream about for Omloop.

1	Xandro Meurisse	HelloFresh - Lampre	5h33'28
8	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'16
11	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
32	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'39
36	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 5'43
59	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 10'14
68	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 13'26
78	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 18'54
89	Laureano Rosas	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 43'57

@Nemolito - Always those damn wheelsuckers...



Gent - Wevelgem
February 6, C2



The mandatory C2 racedays are back, and as always we'll use them on cobbles, where we actually do have a shot this year. The danger train of Sweeck, De Witte and Marcos is eligible for this race, as is our new stagiare Hailemichael.

Also on the startlist is Stuyven, who was the designated breakaway rider. He held on quite well using his hill ability to tackle the Kemmelberg, but they were all caught with 20 kilometer to go, as was Marcos who failed another midrace attack.

Almost copy paste from Omloop, Sweeck and De Witte did not attack and remained in the peloton which gradually lost riders. In the sprint to the finish line they finished sixth and eighth respectively, a result we could only be very satisfied about for Gent - Wevelgem. With Marcos in fourteenth we had all three in points positions.

1	Lahcen Saber	Colombini-Adler Aalterpaint	6h20'20
6	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 21
8	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
14	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
32	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'54
94	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 18'06
102	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 21'46
130	Mulu Hailemichael	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 32'36
133	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.

Le Samyn
February 10, HC



The last of the opening cobblestones week, and we're back against the tough HC opposition. This time we do start with Sweeck, De Witte and Marcos in the hope of picking up some points. We are in Wallonia this time so we hope to surprise the flandriens.

We placed two riders in the break, Stuyven an Tikhonin, who had both been unsuccessful in previous races this week. This race proved no different for them. Sweeck also attacked, as first of the outsiders of the outsiders, but didn't achieve much more than catching the breakaway.

This left De Witte as freshest rider, and he stuck with the front group for some time. Towards the end he got dropped though, an finished in twenty-fourth, scoring five points for the rankings. The biggest achievement of the day was Coppel making it to the finish line inside the time limit! Granted, he was last and only just beat the broom wagon, but a finish is a finish!

1	Sam Bewley	Amaysim Cervelo	4h31'43
24	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 47
46	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'40
61	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'15
62	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
92	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'40
156	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 13'07
159	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 14'45
186	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 33'12

Circulo de Juarez
February 22 - 26, HC



Mexico, Mexiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicoooooo, country of all my dreams. My dream is to have Vesely win every stage, the GC and the points classification. Hodeg, Kuboki and English will be part of his trustworthy train. Despite being in Mexico, local rider Lemus Davila has to miss the race because the lack of climbing makes him sad.

Stage one: we build a proper train which left the station too early; Vesely finishes twelfth. Stage two: we build a proper train which left the station too early; Vesely finishes twelfth. Switching tactics for stage three, we followed the Volcania train but another mishap got Vesely to tenth only. On the fourth stage Vesely managed to miss the trains altogether, but somehow English and Hodeg sprinted to tenth and eleventh respectively. We made the Ferrari strategy team look competent.

We had lost all hope for the fifth stage so we figured we'd have some fun. Hodeg led out Vesely while Kuboki blocked the Red Bull train of GC winner Halvorsen. In all the confusion the Czech got into the lead, and was only just beaten by Ahlstrand on the line. With the bonus seconds from the final stage he jumped up to ninth in the GC. We need more than one good stage though to leave Mexico in a good mood though.

1	Kristoffer Halvorsen	Red Bull Zalgiris	17h21'06
9	Daniel Vesely	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'11
33	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'29
41	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'30
55	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
109	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
120	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
142	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
170	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'15

Ninety-six riders have had the honor of belonging to the best cycling team in history. To honor them, we'll be going through the archives to discuss them all. At the end of each month, a group of riders is selected with something in common. Where were they before they became addicted to bananas? How did they do on the road? Where are they now? This adventure culminates in the introduction of the Minions Hall of Fame, where we honor our legends.

This month's group: riders who have retired. Not everyone puts out a formal statement hanging up there bike, most just disappear into oblivion. Not every former rider who is no longer active will be featured in this installment, we're just taking ten known cases.

Goodnews Clifford



Let's start with the bad news, because fan favorite Goodnews Clifford has announced his retirement last winter at only 31 years of age. The Nigerian made his debut in the World Cycling Centre in 2016, and became one of the most noticeable riders in the peloton. Not only because of his name, which inspired many puns, but also because of his fighting spirit, including a stage win in the Benelux Challenge. When he was released from that team we expected a big battle for his signature, but we got the good news and signed him for a mere 50k bananas. In his first race for the team, he promptly showed himself in the breakaway. Unfortunately breakaways did not translate into points, and we may have made more puns than he got points. Anyway, he never got another ride in professional cycling, but definitely became a memorable name.



Mike Friedman



Back in our first season we signed a lot of sprinters, none of them really living up to expectations or being able to get up a speedbump. The only one to be given a second year was American veteran Mike Friedman. He spend his entire career at the lowest level, first at Slipstream (rebranded to BMC), then a year at a team sponsored by the military of a foreign nation (Why? How? What?), and two years at Ekspla, with a relatively successful 2013 season. For 2014 he initially signed with Eddie Stobart, but was released before the season began due to a contractual dispute. We snatched him up with high hopes, but a measly three points is all he scored in the season, all thanks to a fifth place in the third stage of the Benelux Challenge. In his second season he managed to double his tally to six. If he were to be on the team today we'd expect him to score 768 points, but unfortunately he retired straight after leaving the team.



John Murphy



Another American sprinter who rode for us in the first two seasons was John Murphy. He came off a year away from the sport when he joined us, racing for the team managed by ltt in the five years prior despite confusingly changing names every season. His personal highlight there was winning the Giro della Romagna in 2010. At us, John never really got a chance to sprint on his own as there were 'better' options available, but nevertheless outscoring the lead sprinters in both seasons. Because of his lesser role he was put in some breakaways, including in the pictured sixth stage of the Benelux Challenge of 2014. We did not renew his contract after the 2015 season, but he tried to get a contract elsewhere for five seasons to no avail, retiring ahead of the 2021 season.



Taylor Tolleson



Continuing the long list of failed sprinters, Taylor Tolleson is perhaps the oddest one. He was a staple of the Heineken team (and predecessors), managing to be a consistent scorer at the two highest levels, including a stage win in the 2013 Giro d'Italia and the overall win in the 2011 Tour of Picardie. After the team disbanded, we signed him up as lead sprinter for the 2015 season, knowing he'd be in the pack when it matters. Looking back he may have had something against bananas, because everything screams self-sabotage. Attacking in the flat Great Ocean Road Race, thus being unavailable for the sprint, or theatrically crashing in the Cigar City Brewing Twilight GP, the first known case of a Schwalbe in cycling. His best result of the season was a seventh place in the fourth stage in Poland. Netting a total of ten points over the season, we were glad to be rid of him before showing up at Hugo Boss where he became a semi-competent rider again. We celebrated his retirement in 2020.



Mauro Santambrogio



Another rider who joined us that year was Mauro Santambrogio. We bought him from the Festina squad for a record fee of 200 thousand bananas, even though they had signed him for free from the transfer market in the same year. Yes, we were quite naive back in the day. The Italian had earned his stripes though, having a great fighting spirit at La Gazzetta which even included a stage win in the '09 Vuelta. What we did not anticipate was him outsprinting Tolleson on many occasions, and also challenging for top tens in hillier races. Ninth in Sallanches and eleventh in Philadelphia were really good results for us back then, becoming our fourth-highest points scorer of the year. At the end of the season, we sold him to Kayak for another record of 35 thousand bananas, where he remained for two more seasons before age caught up to him, retiring at 36.



Dimitri Claeys



If we were to list the entire palmares of Dimitri Claeys we'd be here for another hour, but let's just recap his career as a very solid puncheur. However, he suddenly found himself out of a contract in 2017. Many rumors circulated around the internet, ranging from a ban for some dodgy stuff to being lured into a team which did not even exist. The most probable explanation though is that he signed for a team which broke the budget cap, resulting in the loss of their star rider. In any case, he was free to return in 2018 and we offer him half a million for his services, but Porto offered more and he signed there. A year later they sold him to us for 750,000 gems, hopefully solving our puncheur problem. In his first months he won both Tour of Southland and GP Wallonie, but his performances dropped off toward the end of the season. Nevertheless, he was resigned for another season but did not get the top results anymore. He knew his time was up and chose to retire, earning the title as our least worst puncheur ever.



Sebastian Salas



Sometimes riders come for free, as is the case for Sebastian Salas. After two seasons at RBC, they did not want to continue with him but were kind enough to find him a new home, and we are always very welcome to newcomers. The Canadian did not have any leadership aspirations and was kind enough to carry bottles and support the climbers. His biggest moment came after the season had already technically ended, with his participation in the Canadian Championship. He went into the breakaway which was left completely ignored by the peloton. Unfortunately he finished fourth out of four, but he got his spotlights. We intended to offer him a new deal, but budgetary constraints meant we had to choose between him and Esmaeli, which could only be settled in a banana eating contest. The Qatari obviously won, and Salas had to find work elsewhere. He then appeared at Peugeot in rival cycling organization ICL, and finally at new Canadian team Goldcorp as last hurray.



Timothy Duggan



We did have to pay to sign Timothy Duggan in 2015, 150,000 bananas to be exact. He was at the end of an illustrious career, winning FBD Insurance Ras in 2009, Tour de Bretagne in 2014 and being instrumental to TomTom's promotion that year. He also had some lows, being out of a contract for 2011 and signing for the ill-fated Bimbos in 2012, taking away two years of his professional career. His combination of hills and time trials made him dangerous in races like Tour of Slovenie, where he finishes fourth in the GC. He also almost took a stage win in the Tour of America, being caught in the final kilometer after a stage-long break. Age caught up to him and we did not believe him to be fit for another season, with which every other team on the market agreed. He officially ended his career at the age of 36, after being out of a ride for another two years.



Fabio Montenegro



Fabio Montenegro is not from Montenegro but from Colombia, and as his name suggests he likes to climb. He had raced for a band and an environmental organization before, so signing for some banana crazy creatures was straight up his ally. His favorite race is the Tour of America, where he has two happy memories from. In 2014 he finished fourteenth in the GC, which was enough to convince us he was one of the better riders on the squad and deserve another season. In the 2015 edition he won the sixteenth stage, a very tough mountain stage, surviving from the breakaway. He was also in the battle to become King of the Mountains, falling just short. It would be his last trick in the peloton, retiring after the happiest moment in his life.



Alex Howes



The last rider for this segment has asked us to use this segment for his retirement announcement. Alex Howes, Minion from 2014 to 2015, will hang up his bike on his thirty-fifth birthday. Before joining us he had a reasonable but not exceptional career at many Continental American teams, including a one-year stay at ProTour team Heineken. While in overalls, he proved a worthy domestique with a few breakaway appearances, including a fifth place in the sixth stage of the Tour de Beauce and a twelfth place in the Cauberg Classic, both in 2014. After not renewing his contract after 2015 he spend two years on the local scene, before being selected to ride for the amateur teams of Newton Foundation and Fox News. After that, no one heard of him again until today, announcing his retirement. So long, Alex!

@TheManxMissile - Researching this was definitely a history lesson for me.



Geraardsbergen - Bosberg
March 1, C2



The month of March is upon which means it's (meteorological) spring! There is no better way to start it than with a spring classic around the legendary Muur van Geraardsbergen! And since it's a C2 race, our cobblestone squad of Sweeck, De Witte and Marcos actually stands a chance!

Not changing our tactics, we attacked with Sweeck mid-stage but failed to gain a lasting advantage. Inside the final ten kilometers all three riders were in the front pack, the only team to have so many riders left. Marcos had been dropped earlier in the race, but he returned on fighting spirit.

The uphill finish on the Bosberg suits the Cuban champion so we decided to play his card. Sweeck and De Witte gave everything to positioned him at the front. A podium position looked possible but in the tiring sprint Marcos was just beaten on the line to finish fifth. Sweeck and De Witte finished twelfth and thirteenth.

1	Tomas Paprstka	BWT Hyundai N Cycling	5h03'48
5	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 17
12	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'25
13	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
76	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 45'22
88	Mulu Hailemichael	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 51'05
90	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
92	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 52'41
96	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 59'53

Tour of Guadeloupe
March 1 - 4, C1



Another sprinters right after Juarez, another chance for Vesely. Hopefully he'll continue where he left of instead of starting all over again. We'll have time to enjoy the beaches of Guadeloupe after the final stage, provided we have a good race.

The train did not really work on the first stage but that was okay, Vesely got himself on the final spot on the podium while Hodeg sprinted to tenth for himself. The tactics were mirrored on the twisty finish of stage two, where the Colombian got a good gap into the sprint, which could only be closed by the Czech! Daniel Vesely is our first stage winner of the season!

Even though the last two finishes were slightly uphill, the performances went downhill. Vesely went too soon on stage three and even got a gap of sixteen seconds, dropping him from second to sixth in the GC. Another poorly timed sprint on the final stage dropped him to seventh. Due to all the splits, secondary leadouts English and Kuboki got themselves a GC top 15. Their perfect positioning also made us win the teams classification, so we feel a little less bad about the final stages.

1	Fabio Jakobsen	Zara - Irizar	12h53'37
7	Daniel Vesely	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 36
14	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1'17
15	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
53	Laureano Rosas	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 2'06
56	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
62	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
80	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'10
92	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'14

Vuelta al Pais Vasco
March 6 - 11, C1



A team and individual time trial combined with some tough stages, the ideal recipe on paper for multiple riders in our team. Dennis and Brown make the trip with the almost strongest possible team time trial squad, and we also pick Kalaba for a long-shot sprint opportunity.

After the time trial things were looking okay. Dennis and Brown were tenth and eleventh respectively, though we had expected the Australian to be a bit higher up. The final two stages were the toughest and Dennis unfortunately failed to perform. He lost four minutes on both stages and dropped back to thirty-first. Brown fared slightly better by losing only two minutes on the fifth stage, delivering him seventeenth.

The highlight of the race was not planned on paper. Kalaba was brought with the hope stage two would be ridden easy enough to bring it to a reduced sprint. It did, but the Serbian barely hung on and was not able to contest. We had no plans for stage three but Kalaba managed to hang on much better, and in the sprint there was no stopping him. With the bonus seconds he even moved into the leader's jersey for one day. On the final two stages he held on quite well to finish twenty-ninth in the GC for an extra point.

1	Nicola Conci	Zara - Irizar	16h27'20
17	Nathan Brown	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 6'50
29	Dusan Kalaba	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 9'09
31	Rohan Dennis	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 9'15
102	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 20'26
110	Mikkel Bjerg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 22'10
112	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 22'28
129	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 27'34
132	Laureano Rosas	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 28'46

Vuelta a Colombia
March 13 - 18, PTHC



Colombia holds a special place in our heart due to Uran's long tenure with the team and this race, but we have to face the fact he's gone. It will be the first real test for replacement Cattaneo in a race without time trials, so we're not expecting a win. The PTHC opposition is obviously tough, but we'll see where his benchmark will be. Also, the home crowd will once again cheer on Hodeg to hopefully two stage wins.

Four mountain stages, so a lot of opportunities for the Italian. The first mountain stage looked very good, finishing sixth at minimal distance from the winner. It all went downhill (figuratively) from here. The next stage he lost three minutes and another two on stage five. There was no attempt to recover the lost time on this final stage, so Cattaneo took seventeenth. Bring back Uran!

It was up to Hodeg to salvage points from this race, but at this point everyone knows who he is, it is hard to stay anonymous after two stage wins here last season. He took third on the opening stage which is not bad after all, but he missed his positioning on stage four and finished eighth. Still rider of the race though.

1	Tim Wellens	Aegon - Peroni	24h53'34
17	Mattia Cattaneo	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'51
42	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 21'04
63	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 26'57
120	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 54'26
128	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h01'12
135	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h07'23
144	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h19'29
175	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 2h16'59

Strade Bianche
March 24, HC



Strade Bianche is a hilly race. Before we start screaming oh no, we deliberately did not sign a puncheur this year to avoid the expected failure by the likes of Betancourt, Claeys and Hagen. We'll be proud if Stuyven finishes top 100.

Since we had nothing to lose, Sweeck went into the breakaway, even being the one to open. The white, dirt roads require a similar skill to cobblestones so he actually got on fairly decent. Sure, the favorites flew past him in the end, but twenty-ninth place is a similar result to what a star puncheur would have achieved in this team. More importantly, it's inside the top 30 so we receive ranking points!

Oh, and Stuyven finished outside the top 100. The curse of the puncheur continues.

1	Tejay Van Garderen	Sauber Petronas Racing	5h01'08
29	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'34
73	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'59
78	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
115	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'04
119	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
142	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 9'51
173	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 12'13
178	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 14'58

Ninety-six riders have had the honor of belonging to the best cycling team in history. To honor them, we'll be going through the archives to discuss them all. At the end of each month, a group of riders is selected with something in common. Where were they before they became addicted to bananas? How did they do on the road? Where are they now? This adventure culminates in the introduction of the Minions Hall of Fame, where we honor our legends.

This month's group: cobblestone specialists. Given we're between Ronde and Roubaix, we'd figure we look at our specialists in this discipline. There were years we didn't have anyone and years we had too many, there have been those with podium appearances and those where a breakaway is the highlight. Let's get dirty!

Leandro Marcos



We start of with the current Dean of the Minions, and the rider with the third-longest service on the team ever: Leandro Marcos. He started his pro career with us in 2016 and has remained ever since. His palmares only include victories in his native Cuban championships, but his adaptability to hills has made him score big in some tougher races. Fifth place in Benelux Challenge and third place in Lincoln GP in 2016, fourteenth on the Baltic Chain Tour and fifteenth in GP Kigali in 2017, fourteenth in Viana do Castelo and fifteenth in the KBC De Panne Tour in 2018, eighth in the Cheshire Cycling Tour and seventh in the GP Kigali of 2019, eighth in GP Kigali in 2020, fourteenth in GP Herning 2021 and fourteenth in Gent-Wevelgem and fifth in Geraardsbergen-Bosberg so far this season. This does not even include his numerous breakaway appearances, hard working moments or his fifth place for Cuba in the B World Championships in 2018. We love this guy <3.



Bert-Jan Lindeman



We pursued Bert-Jan Lindeman for years, ever since his win in the 2014 Tour du Faso to be precise. In 2018 we finally landed his signature at a pricy 125,000 bananas. He did show us he was worth every bit of fruit, winning a stage in the Tour of Cyprus and being of valuable help in cobblestone races. Over the years we managed to reduce his salary without him getting angry, a feat we are very proud of. His 2019 performance was lackluster but he bounced back strongly in 2020, taking the victory in GP Herning. 2021 was another dud for him, with an eighth in GP Kigali as only highlight. As he was already on minimum wage we couldn't reduce it any further, and we decided to part ways. Strava has picked him up, but he is clearly not a threat anymore as he finished last in Strade Bianche.



Fabrice Jeandesbosz



The first cobblestone specialist we ever signed was Fabrice Jeandesbosz. In an odd set of circumstances though, he wasn't the first cobblestone specialist to race for us. Excluding Rathe as the only rider on the first season not to immediately die upon seeing them, we wanted a more prominent rider in this department, hence the signing of the Frenchman. Before the season started he forced a move to Generali to become a helper to Taillefour. In exchange we got Le Montagner, who finished sixty places ahead in the individual standings, so a good move. After two years at that team, he was released and begged us to give him another contract and actually race for us, to which we reluctantly complied because we didn't have a better use for our rotting bananas. By then we had a competent cobblestone squad in which he was the lowest on the totem pole, with his only two noteworthy mentions being breakaway appearances in Viana do Castelo and 5 Jours de Dunkerque. Not scoring any point during the season, we let him go for good. His dream had been fulfilled, and retired shortly thereafter.



Laurens Sweeck



Assuming the leadership position on Zepuntke's departure, Laurens Sweeck has not disappointed so far. We signed him as head of support in 2021 after a four-year stint at Volvo, and he did well. Receiving co-leadership during the mandatory C2 racedays, he has shown capable of scoring with an eighth place in GP Herning and a podium finish in GP Kigali! We rewarded him with the confidence of leading the thinned-out cobblestone squad, and he has scored points in almost all cobblestone races despite not even being ranker among the outsiders, which is all we can expect from him. The highlight is an eighth place in Viana do Castelo, as well as a sixth place in C2 Gent-Wevelgem. While we'll have our eyes looking for a new superstar to lead us on the tough roads, we won't be disappointed if he ends up leading this department for the years to come.



Niels Albert



Tour du Faso 2010, Tro Bon Leon and GP Herning 2011, KBC De Panne Tour 2012, Criterium Hainlete 2013. Niels Albert has had an illustrious career, but when he joined us his best period was behind him. Still, he served the team for four seasons, starting out as cobblestone leader, then as lieutenant to Zepuntke and finally transitioning into road captain and a mentor to the next generation. In his leadership year, his best result was an eleventh place in the 5 Jours de Dunkerque, but he could have easily taken a podium in the Rheden GP if his fellow escapees had cooperated. The next season, as deputy leader, the old dog showed he he still had it by finishing third in the KBC De Panne Tour! Other results that year include eleventh in Cheshire Cycling Tour and eighth in GP Kigali, and he was our third-best scorer behind Uran and Zepuntke! The year after he again stormed De Panne again with a fifth place as well as twelfth in Cheshire, ninth in Malopolski Wyscig and eleventh in Tour of the Battenkill to take fourth in our individual standings. His last year was a struggle but still finished sixth in Lillestrom GP. At 35 the legs couldn't do it anymore and retired.



Oliver Naesen



Oliver Naesen wasn't that big of a name when we signed him as cobblestone domestique for 2017. His performances weren't outlandish either, aside from a breakaway to fifth in GP Kigali. We were happy to continue with him for another season but we traded him away for Flaksis, a move which looked good in the short term. In the long term the trade became our Nieuw-Amsterdam as he suddenly developed into a very good sprinter beside his increasing cobblestone capability, winning races like Gent-Wevelgem and GP Betonexpressz. He is now one of CT's superstars, but apparently he can only remain with a team for a year, as Air New Zealand is his eighth team in just as many years in the sport. I know one team where he won't be racing next year.



Mathias De Witte



We could call this the Belgians overview, becasue this is the fourth one in a row. It shouldn't be a surprise given the amount of quality from that country. Mathias De Witte started out late, making his debut for Fablok at the age of 27 in 2020. After that team folded, we picked him up for the supporting positions in the cobblestone squad. In the big races he was often assigned to chase duties, but in the C2 races he could get very capable results, as demonstrated by a sixth place in GP Herning. Moving up to free element this year, he has finished eleventh in Viana do Castelo and eighth in Gent-Wevelgem, not far behind Sweeck on both occasions. He even scored our only points in Le Samyn. Imagine this fella doing all of this for minimum wage and not complaining about it or asking for a raise (remind me at the end of the season not to give him a raise).



Andzs Flaksis



As alluded to before, Andzs Flaksis was signed as part of a trade for Naesen. The Latvian was first signed to an online encyclopedia, where his only notable performance is writing an article about himself. He then went to the Latvian team, where he won the hell called Tour du Faso in 2015. When they let him go he went to Andorra, because cobblestones is the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about that country. When his employer got into financial trouble, they balanced the books with the swap and Flaksis was now ours. In his first season he got some very good points with a fourth place in KBC De Panne Tour. He was the median rider in our stacked cobblestone squad, so he was given a two-year contract extension. However, he did not get another great individual result again and was often relegated to work horse. At the end of his contract we decided to bring more youngsters into the squad and let him go. The Latvian has tried to convince other teams to sign him, to no success.



Darren Matthews



2016 was the year we went Caribbean, and this included signing Barbadian local talent Darren Matthews for a ridiculously low wage. This guy could ride over cobblestones like they were nothing, sprint at the end of the race and could even do it all on his own. He opened strongly by qualifying Barbados from the American qualifier to the Intercontinental Championships (those were a thing, I swear). Still, he wasn't too egocentrical to sacrifice himself for co-leaders De Haes and Marcos. Tenth place in Geraardsbergen and Lincoln and eleventh place in the Herald GC don't sound like super fantastic best results, but it was the combination of the three which scored a lot of points that year and giving us promotion. Wanting to assert their dominance over the region, Podium Ambition with their Mount Gay Rum sponsorship took him over for 125,000 bananas. He has remained one of their most popular riders ever since and is a leadership and mentoring figure for the young Caribbean lads we'll hear a lot from in the future.



Ruben Zepuntke



We already wrote a tearful goodbye post for Ruben Zepuntke, and it doesn't even do him justice. We cannot possibly express our gratitude to the German for his amazing performances over the years. It's frankly an insult he's not going straight into the Hall of Fame because he doesn't yet meet the eligibility criteria. Change the criteria then! Or, perhaps he should have won something. His adventures at Los Pollos have shown how great of a rider he is. He could have won Ronde van Vlaanderen by hours but chose not to and give others a chance. We're not expecting anyone but Ruben reaching the Roubaix velodrome next week.

February did not have a ranking update, leaving poor Dervish fans without a reference. Instead we jump straight to March with two months packed into one ranking update. The rankings after the first month were a bit unclear, but at this point we should have a rough estimate of whether we are in promotion contention or relegation danger.

Pos	Last		Team	Total	RD	PpRD	Proj
1	3		Amaysim Cervelo	1450	42	34.52	5627
2	2		Binance	1181	45	26.24	4277
3	11		Lierse SK - Pizza Ullo PCTeam	1057	61	17.33	2825
4	5		Bralirwa - Stevens	1047	48	21.81	3555
5	8		Carlsberg - Danske Bank	952	46	20.7	3374
6	7		HelloFresh - Lampre	909	36	25.25	4116
7	1		Trans Looney Tunes	841	51	16.49	2688
8	14		Red Bull Zalgiris	797	37	21.54	3511
9	18		Zara - Irizar	786	41	19.17	3125
10	12		Sauber Petronas Racing	737	46	16.02	2611
11	20		Volcanica - Fox	729	43	16.95	2763
12	22		Cedevita	706	45	15.69	2557
13	10		Kraftwerk Man Machine	636	35	18.17	2962
14	4		Xero Racing	622	37	16.81	2740
15	16		Philips - Force India	591	34	17.38	2833
16	13		Minions - Subwoolfer	584	44	13.27	2163
17	24		Voyagin - Bird	527	37	14.24	2321
18	23		Strava	498	38	13.11	2137
19	17		Team Popo4Ever	488	38	12.84	2093
20	6		Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	448	35	12.8	2086
21	19		Indosat Ooredoo	378	52	7.27	1185
22	15		Assa Abloy	365	30	12.17	1984
23	9		Crabbe-CC Chevigny	309	35	8.83	1439
24	21		Project: Africa	168	27	6.22	1014

It's the latter for us. We dropped three places to sixteenth, which isn't yet in the relegation zone. However, we have raced more than the teams directly below us, so they have more opportunities to catch up and overtake us. Moving forward requires some very good results but we are already far behind in the battle for the crown.

Pos	Last	Rider	Nat		Team	Total
1	3	Joeri Stallaert	BEL		Bralirwa - Stevens	484
9	9	Daniel Vesely	CZE		Minions - Subwoolfer	260
79	352	Laurens Sweeck	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	55
103	355	Mathias De Witte	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	38
119	348	Mattia Cattaneo	ITA		Minions - Subwoolfer	33
123	41	Evgenii Tikhonin	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	32
126	354	Leandro Marcos	CUB		Minions - Subwoolfer	29
129	113	Felix English	IRL		Minions - Subwoolfer	28
131	350	Dusan Kalaba	SER		Minions - Subwoolfer	27
133	74	Kazushige Kuboki	JPN		Minions - Subwoolfer	26
150	351	Alvaro Hodeg	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	20
179	87	Nathan Brown	USA		Minions - Subwoolfer	16
232	147	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	MEX		Minions - Subwoolfer	9
301	359	Laureano Rosas	ARG		Minions - Subwoolfer	3
302	360	Savva Novikov	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	3
337	349	Rohan Dennis	AUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	2
338	353	Dayer Quintana	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	2
368	164	Jan Stöckli	SWI		Minions - Subwoolfer	1

Last time out only seven riders had scored, that has now increased to seventeen. Vesely remains our highest-scoring rider and remains ninth in the individual rankings. With the first cobblestone races out of the way, Sweeck and De Witte enter in second and third place respectively with points mainly from C2 events. Cattaneo has a disappointing first race in Colombia and is only back on the bike in May, yet is still number four. Surprise Tikhonin barely holds off Marcos, English, Kalaba and Kuboki for fifth place. Hodeg completes our individual top ten. Only way down do we find Dennis with two measly points, and again has nothing to race for the next month so will remain there. Bjerg, Coppel, Hailemichael, Merchan and Stuyven have not scored anything yet.