Before any of you suggest I'm some sort of undercover agent to investigate doping, then, I'm not. But I do have a secret mission. I was hired by my sponsors to sabotage all of team sky's chances. As the 'ideal' domestique, it was my job to try and disrupt their successes, and make sure they stay out of the spotlight this year. I need to make sure that I so everything in my power to make sure Sky don't win. Considering their record, this may require quite some effort, but oh well, I am up for anything.
I understand that numerous people may be interested in my season antics. Therefore I will post all the major results, and supposed Sky bloopers here. Who knows, maybe even by the end of the season the Sky riders will be unemployed and the team will have folded. We can only live and hope The mission is on...
I told you I'd report on he highlights, and this is certainly one of them. My secret undercover mission begins here
I was working for Henao and Boasson Hagen here.
I was protecting Henao, and blocked him for the first part! After getting quite an earful, I let him through. Don't worry though, I had a plan
I took his wheel and held it through the attack. By now my ear piece had been well and truly ripped out
I just sat on his wheel, making him work. He was a smart lad, so took some initiative, and tried to set up the race for me! That wasn't going to happen
We were brought back, but I was still fresh... I may just have ruined one of our leader's races though
Only Uran and Hagen could really do anything now, I needed to get busy.
I dutifully took my place in the train, between Uran and Edvald, the perfect position for mischief.
It turns out we were doing pretty well too, under 5km to go and we were dominating.
Then... As Uran peeled off, so did I, leaving Boasson Hagen up front with 3km to go. The shock alone was already losing him ground
Give credit to the Norwegian, he gave it a good shot, but my work was done. I slipped through the pack with a cheeky grin on my face.
In the end he came 8th, while I was 39th.
Marcel Kittel won pretty comfortably.
@Selwink: Thanks so much! I hope it stays that way!
@Sutty: Onto part 2
@Welker3257: Probably not
@Jesleyh: Thanks, that's sort of the point of this story, it doesn't take itself too seriously, like some other stories
DS Meeting
As you can imagine the DS was pretty angry.
Trying hard to not snigger/giggle/smile, I faced his endless swearing and criticism. Since this was MSR I made the classic excuse. I claimed the race was too long, and the climb too hard for me to be able to sprint afterwards.
This didn't help....
"That may work on the media, but not on me" is the heavily edited version of what he said
I was already in deep trouble, but not completely suspicious. My mission goes on
Today I was 'working' for won't win anyway, but let's see what other havoc I can cause.
Early on I broke off with Puccio, he though he'd be part of the winning move in the Ronde, I was just wasting his energy
I promptly dropped him over the climbs, (one advantage of my multiple abilities) and had a brainwave. I'd go on, then work in the break so they may win, not normally my style, but worth a shot.
I made it to the break, which so far had 5:00 to the peleton.
I set to work, I had a long day ahead of me though, and for once I may even be the one wasting my energy.
The only problem was, most of them couldn't even keep up. Oh well, most weren't doing any work anyway, better be rid of them.
It was never going to work though. The Sky DS, who thought I was giving it a really good go, told me to sit up as there were favourites closing behind. I obliged, for different reasons.
And thus I found myself riding with Cancellara, Boonen and Vanmarke. Eisel was already failing of his own volition, so it was my turn to have a bit of fun....
The issue was, over the last cobbles, there was a Sky rider in the lead group. More so, it was me. What was I meant to do now. I was in with a chance for a result, but then, there was the mission. Oh, well this is it, a once in a lifetime opportunity, I had to take it...
I was right up there, sprinting with Boonen and Cancellara.
I wasn't with them, I was destroying them.
Then it happened....
An image flashed before my eyes, I lost my shape. I was gone, there was the mission, and for the life of me I couldn't let it fail, I wanted to win, but I couldn't. Words cannot describe the experience
It was as if there was something controlling me, compelling me to sit in the saddle, and that's what I did.
They all flashed before me, I had lost it all, it was over. In an instant I was back to full consciousness. I started pedalling, I took off the brakes, and rolled to the line.
I was behind, I trundled across, still dazed and unsure. This was an experience I'd like to forget.
In the end I was 6th
Boasson Hagen and Eisel finished together for 30th and 31st.
This was a day I'd like to forget.
Edited by The Hobbit on 18-02-2014 09:39
@Sutty and Cycleman: I think he probably wanted to take the win as well. Maybe trying to fulfil his contract was not the only thing stopping him taking the win. My English is not good enough to explain properly.
DS Meeting?
Oddly enough, there wasn't one. Everyone was confused by what had happened, I most of all. No one even spoke to me, consoled me, nothing. Everyone contented themselves with their own explanation. That I'd choked, I had got there, I was winning, and I folded, utterly, blowing both my, and the team's chances. That was true I guess, but it wasn't the whole story. It wasn't even close. The team had considered making me leader for Roubaix, but they decided against it. I couldn't ride for days, I was in terrible shape, but I had to get back to racing, or I'd never make my contract.
Then came the last cobbled classic, and 3rd Monument. I was still protecting Eisel, but few people had really conversed with me since the Ronde, so I was basically free.
I was still a bit dazed from the Ronde, so I took it easy, thankfully it shouldn't be too hard to stop Eisel winning, but I definitely won't be interfering much today.
Boasson Hagen found himself in the standard group of early attackers, which I sat back and waited for, if they were dangerous I'd chase, but right now there was no point. And it would be too obvious now,
With 50 km left, the big boys came out to play. I put my foot down too, hoping to both delay their winning moves, and to catch Edvald.
Better still, Eisel was dropped, now I was leader. I put the lads up front to try and chase back the big guns, if only as a face for the DS to avoid suspicion.
Since I was actually in a good position for a podium, as the best sprinter in the trailing group, obviously Cancellara and Boonen up top. I attacked, deliberately trying to drain my energy so I didn't ruin my hirers mission.
In the end I found myself in the position of leading Chavanel onto the velodrome.
Boonen was the worthy winner (lapped group behind)
I was outdone by Chavanel. If anything, 4th was a bit too good.
My next report would be from Liege, the next monument, and after that, le Tour!
Edited by The Hobbit on 19-02-2014 10:36
Ah, this is better, just like all my other stories
The Email
The night after the race I headed back to my hotel. I checked my phone, and saw a rather menacing message. It was from my employers. They were angry at my performances in the cobbled classics, and they had a few things to say about it. I won't quote all of it, probably a good thing for any young readers! It said that I better shape up and continue my work from MSR, or I knew what the consequences would be. I did, and I couldn't let that happen.
@Jesleyh and Sutty: Yeah, this story can mess with your mind a bit
Liege-Bastogne-Liege
This hilly race, la Doyenne, is one of the hardest of the Calendar. I am looking after Henao, well, you know what I'm really going to do!
The attacks started, so I put the other lads on the front. I could do more damage if it was just me and Henao!
A group was made, and Henao had missed it! Even better, now I was leader on the road.
Things came back together, but the only Sky rider with any fitness left was me!
Over the penultimate hill, my job was to be the man in front of Henao, taking the wind.
But I had a plan. Some riders began to attack...
I slowed dramatically, almost stopping. Henao got round me but lost his rhythm, giving Gilbert and Rodriguez a killer advantage.
Up the climb Heano fought hard, but was left watching as Costa won dominantly.
He was 12th, I came 24th
Mission accomplished
My excuse this time was a slip in my gears, hence I couldn't follow, it made sense, and would annoy Sky as they take equipment very seriously!
The mission is on...
