Tour de Gabon

Santos Tour Down Under

Having once again peered into his crystal ball, Delfi Cevero has finally gathered all the information needed for the world's greatest (not to mention latest) season preview. Whereas most season previews tend to focus on the final rankings, Delfi's deliriously dazzling visions have shown him exactly what will happen at every point of the season. Don't say he didn't warn you!

19th January: By the end of the Tour of Gabon, the first woman will have ridden in the men's cycling peleton. However, an investigation is launched as to whether Krista Marcus' stage win was down to what the media are generously calling the 'Ladies First' effect. All cyclists who mentioned that, "There was a great view in Gabon" have been given a hefty fine.

20th February: A communist revolution has seized the Algarve. The People's (sort of) Republic of the Algarve was formed while Kim Po-Ding was on his way to securing his second consecutive win in Portugal. The Glorious Leader seized the opportunity to stealthily work up the propaganda machine. Unfortunately, none of North Korea's military personnel know what propaganda is, and decided their best bet was to invade it anyway. The Algarve is now the prime destination for North Korean holidays, miles of beaches, beautiful sights, and plenty of cliffs to throw you off if you ask too many questions.

17th March: Due to an administrative error, 6 top 5s will have to be awarded in Tirreno Adriatico. The issue first came to light with the EPIC's goals idea, in which every team has certain tasks they must achieve to get rewarded. However, too many goals were awarded in reference to the Tirreno GC, and EPIC was forced to back down and revert to a style of counting not seen since the latest Miss World competition.

4th April: Having seen his cobble team dismantled, ageing star Tom Boonen has finally had enough with the Northern Classics. He pulled out of the Ronde Van Vlaanderen today, claiming that "cobbles are not bumpy enough anymore". Instead he will prepare to be the fastest man to complete the Paris Roubaix route on a penny farthing.

9th April: The organisers of the Scheldeprijs event have decided that the course is not flat enough to be considered a true test of sprinting. With gradients of almost 0.5% the race could easily be won by a late attack, which could be missed by TV cameras. In an effort to make the Scheldeprijs more exciting, the organisers plan to dig up some of the 'mountains' crossed by the event.

12th April Team Colombia looks set to dispand after disputes over the nationality of their riders. With a team about as patriotic as the Qatari handball team they are breaking years of tradition as a strong, South American, people's favourite. Scandal took hold of cycling once more when the team management tried to pass off Alex Dowsett as Alexis D'Owsett, a Colombian farmer, in order to enter him into the national time trial competition. Unable to put out a full squad for their own national championships, the pressure was mounting on the team, and it no longer looks like they will be able to continue.

26nd April: Delfi Cervero's historic Ardennes triple this year has been tainted by yet another cycling scandal. His first victory came in the Amstel Gold Race, when all the other competitors fell ill and abandoned halfway through the race. Cervero, who was riding 5 minutes behind the pack at the time, promptly won the event. The latest intel suggests that the local water supply and all team bottles were contaminated with high quantities of horse tranquilliser, possibly by the Androni team. Knowing Cervero only drinks carrot juice, they deliberately drugged the other competitors to give the Costa Rican an advantage. It remains to be seen whether the EPIC will take action over what the Androni team boss has called "a minor offence"

28th May: The Giro d'Italia will have to be abandoned after an incredible turn of events unfolded in the Italian Alps. On stage 18 the peleton was attacked by a yeti while climbing a pass in snowy whether. The abominable snowman is said to be on holiday from his usual home in the Himalayas. Despite warnings the race went ahead, but not for long. Police are attempting to negotiate with the yeti, who took two hostages in Elia Viviani and Ivan Santaromita.

15th July As so often happens, the first rest day of the tour has been embroiled with doping scandals. This time the accusations centre around the FDJ team. Many consider the French outift to be a clean team, but the latest evidence suggests otherwise. An anonymous tip off from a rival team has information which suggests mass doping of all non-french riders within FDJ. Those affected have not been available for comment, but the FDJ management has said that "these claims are ridiculous" and "whoever made them is an idiot". Tomorrow the EPIC will have to take a decision on whether or not the FDJ team can complete the Tour.

20th August The Organisers of the Vuelta a Espania have been forced to make some last minute changes to the route in order to boost viewing figures. Their previous stage plan was described as boring and repetitive, with every stage looking almost identical. Now things are very different. Exact details are not known, but we do know that stage 7 will take place during the Pamplona bull run, with the stage winner being the last rider to be gored by a bull. Stage 10 is the first mountain stage, but to liven things up all cyclists will be armed with lances and full metal armour. The riders can look forward to an exciting, if potentially life-threatening race.

28th September The cycling world is currently celebrating the world championship win of one Jeremy Powers. No one is quite sure how or why the American was competing, but he was certainly on another level compared to the rest of the field. Cynics claim that his arrival at the line several hours early was down to the fact he only completed one lap, but haters are gonna hate, and Powers is gonna celebrate.