@Nemolito - We wanted to give other teams a chance as well



Ninety-six riders have had the honor of belonging to the best cycling team in history. To honor them, we'll be going through the archives to discuss them all. At the end of each month, a group of riders is selected with something in common. Where were they before they became addicted to bananas? How did they do on the road? Where are they now? This adventure culminates in the introduction of the Minions Hall of Fame, where we honor our legends.

This month's group: (former) members of the Minions Academy. Yes, we have an academy, and not just for tax purposes. While the team isn't heavily focused on developing riders (there are already enough Minions to do the chorus) some riders have been signed early in the hopes of developing into something great. Some did, some didn't, and some betrayed us.

Mulu Hailemichael



Our stagiare for this season is Mulu Hailemichael from Ethiopia. The only rider from Africa on the team, his application states climbing is his favorite discipline. However, he has yet to get an opportunity in that field as all his races so far have been in C2, which are either cobbles or the Monterrey TTT as pictured. His last outing will be the Bayern Rundfahrt in September where he will have to convince the team to turn his internship into a full-time employment.



Simon-Pierre Gauthier



Our first ever, and only other stagiare joined in 2015. Simon-Pierre Gauthier from Canada was available for the last few months and was seen in the breakaway on stage six of the Ruta America del Sur. He also finished eleventh in the Canadian Time Trial Championship. Not impressed with his performances we did not offer him a full contract for 2016, nor did any other team. He blew his one chance at professional cycling and has now given up on the sport all together.



Didier Merchan



A new member of the academy this season, Didier Merchan is set to be a strong climber, but he has to work on all other aspects of cycling. He hasn't appeared in a breakaway yet, did not do anything special in Tour de l'Avenir, has a highest race finishing position of 90th, scored no ranking points as of yet and was roasted by the reporter as laterne rouge in Post Danmark Rundt. After a long search we think we have identified him as this guy, doing some early chasing work in the Down Under Classic, his debut race. Definitely not the most stellar of debut seasons, but the Colombian has shown some growth and might be given a career extension, provided we are in a good mood during the renewals period.



Jan Stöckli



All new academy members are specialized in going uphill, and so is Jan Stöckli. Allowed a fancy diacritic, he was rejected by the contingent of Swiss teams in the sport, we are glad he joined our squad. Compared to the others he has shown better results, which includes two ranking points thanks to finishing seventh in the U25 classification in the Tour Down Under. He also has a breakaway appearance in the Tour de l'Avenir under his belt, even though he was one of the first to be dropped. Still, compared to the other two newbies, Jan is currently the least worst.



Szymon Rekita



What do you do when you suddenly find half a million because a star signing decided to stab you in the back? You sign a future star for half the price! Szymon Rekita was seen as a very talented time trialist, finishing in the CT top 100 in 2019. Because his team quit sponsorship, he became a coveted free agent, and we won the ensuring bidding war with our big suitcases. He put in some promising performances. finishing twelfth overall in Olympia's Tour, sixteenth overall in Arab Tour and winning the Polish National Time Trial Championships. As our eleventh-highest scoring rider out of twenty-two, we obviously entered contract negotiations to complete his development, while concurrently reducing his salary. His agent did not agree to the notion that his earlier salary was including a big sign-on bonus, and got insulted when we offered 100,000 bananas. He instead signed for Jura - Fiat for the exact same wage. We got stabbed in the back again, but did not mourn his relegation at the end of the next season. Staying on with Jura, which is currently at the top of the CT rankings and very likely to bounce back, he is twenty-third in the individual rankings and won the Isle of Man ITT event. He'll get there, just watch out in the presence of kitchen appliances.



Fulgencio Bru



Twenty-seven is quite old to be joining a development program, but we made an exception for the best or worst rider ever to touch a bicycle, depending on who you ask. I'm obviously I'm talking about Fulgencio Bru. He was part of the Alpina annex Coldeportes academy, but when the team folded he became unattached. After a year away he got added to our academy, but was loaned out to EA Vesuvio as he needed experience in the big races. His 2018 season was focused on getting in as many breakaways as possible, a skill that would hopefully be useful to us in 2019. Not only did he not appear in any breakaway, he also did not score any points for the rankings, which can only prompt one response: you're fired. We even have to resort to a generic TTT picture where he could be any of the eight riders. He was given a third chance at Los Pollos Hermanos but despite their manager's insistence he is the second-best rider on the planet after Zepunkte, he was released after one season there. No team can afford his salary demands because he deserves billions.



Shaquille Sinclair



Perhaps better known as the "Hottest Thing on Wheels", Shaquille Sinclair rode for Chiquita - Universal p/b Minions on loan from Children of Chernobyl Foundation p/b Nemiroff (a guaranteed Scrabble victory and format breaker) in 2015. The Jamaican champion had a non-spectacular season in his loan stint in 2015, other than a 27th place in the Zimnyanya GP and the obvious prolongation of the national titles. The Ukrainians did not renew a contract and he became a free agent. A year later, when we became a PCT team, we had room to restock the academy and brought the "Hottest Thing on Wheels" back. Helping in the sprint train wasn't very successful, and he scored zero points despite appearing in the breakaway in La Tropicale Amissa Bongo. His prime moment which saved his career was the final stage in Deutschland Tour, where he guided Uran to the front group in the echelon which was crucial for the Colombian's GC victory and our survival in the division. In 2018 he was selected to represent the team in the Vuelta a España, but abandoned in the thirteenth stage. He did score a ranking point this season, and got a new green-yellow-black jersey. He couldn't use it next season as he was removed from the academy, and had to wait three years before the local Podium Ambition picked the best riders from various Caribbean countries. He is their main sprinter alongside another Minions alumni, coming up later.



Mikkel Bjerg



What do you do when you suddenly find half a million because a star signing decided to stab you in the back, and you still have a quarter of a million left when you sign Rekita? You sign Mikkel Bjerg, 22 years old and the future of Danish time trialing. His first two seasons were all about gaining experience, with no scoring expectations. He started to become more comfortable in his second season, almost surviving in a breakaway in Rund um Köln. His Tour de l'Avenir performance that year was his real breakthrough, finishing third on the prologue and winning the longer time trial! Picking up another level in 2022, he got his first wardrobe addition by winning the young rider classification in La Tropicale Amissa Bongo, gettin emotional on the podium. He has started scoring points on the regular, and we expect even more things next season when he might even assume team leadership against the clock.



Jay Major



Jay Major dominated the Bahamian cycling scene at a just 21 years of age and got a professional contract in 2016, becoming the first proper member of the academy. He immediately saw glory as the team promoted despite not contributing anything in terms of points, but did learn a lot from his experienced teammates. 2017 saw him pick up his first points with a third place in the mountains classification of La... Tropicale Amissa Bongo, thanks to two breakaway appearances. In the latter one he also finished third on the stage! Further climbing success for the sprinter came in Olympia's Tour, finishing seventh in the king of the speedbumps classification. A decent outing in the Avenir event, sprinting to an eighth place against his future rivals. More breakaways in 2019 brought him sixth in the Tour of Southland polka dot hunt, and he made his grand tour debut in the Vuelta but like Sinclair he did not reach Madrid. In his third shot at Tour de l'Avenir he finished sixth and tenth in sprints, even briefly leading in the latter. 2019 saw him win his fourth consecutive official Bahamian double title, but luck in breakaways wasn't on his side. By now he was the first Minion to complete the academy from kindergarten to PhD, so it was time to spread his wings and fly away. He was sold to Isostar in exchange for Kalaba, who immediately sold him to Air France. He picked up his first non-NC victory there, winning the second stage in the Tour of Norway in a huge sprint upset, bringing a tear to our eyes. The team was grounded the season thereafter, when he joined the Caribbean Podium Ambition project, where he has become the team's sprint leader and a mentor to the younger generation. No one knows how to develop quite like Big Jay.



Alvaro Hodeg



We finish with the success story of the academy, the only full graduate with an official win behind his belt and still on the team: it's of course Alvaro Hodeg. Atypically for a Colombian he detests climbing but is very fast in the sprint, which is what we were looking for. In his first season we loaned him to Continental Tour team Delvaux to soften his landing into professional cycling. In 2019 he got to stay on the team and learn from the best, Damion Drapac, he scored two points but the experience was more valuable. However, the Tour de l'Avenir was his time to shine, as he won the second stage and held the yellow jersey for a day, proving his potential. In 2020 he was the special leadout for Vesely, gaining even more experience and scoring points in the wake of his leader. As such, he got more chances to stand on his own in 2021, including sprint leadership in his home race in Colombia. On the very first opportunity he left all sprinters he left the competition eating his dust. Yellow, green and white in the pocket. Obviously he lost them over the mountains but got another chance on stage four. Having learned nothing, the PT and PCT teams underestimated him again as he sailed to an easy win, and took the green jersey home. Elsewhere that season, he replaced an incapacitated Vesely in Circulo de Juarez by taking fifteenth overall, had a photo-finish loss in the Tour of Norway and finished the season as sixth-best scorer for the few solo opportunities he had. For this season he moves even further up the leadership totem pole, repaying the confidence with stage wins in Austria and Britain, with a day in yellow for the latter as well. Currently he is again the sixth-best rider in the individual rankings, and while not scoring as much as Vesely and Kalaba, it is nice to know we have a sprinter challenging for the win on every flat stage. Alvaro Hodeg is here to stay.

@Fabianski - Some riders dear to my heart in this update so writing was a lot easier. Rekita turned out to be a very good rider, just don't like to see him win



Paris - Tours
September 1, PTHC



Two more months, the race to secure promotion starts in Paris and hopefully doesn't end in Tours, because there are more races to come. This race does end in Tours in a flat finish, so we bring Vesely to battle it out against the best from the top two divisions.

In one of his last races before returning to Tinkoff, Novikov went into the breakaway to remind his manager he's a proper talent. The breakaway was obviously brought back by the sprinter teams, though we didn't chase ourselves.

The sprint was messy, with riders attacking in the final kilometers and no proper preparation. At one point Vesely had to take matters into his own hands, and seemed to have found a way to a podium finish. However, he came in the wind just too early and blew back to ninth behind riders who waited a tad longer. A podium would've been a very huge result but we can live with this.

1	Fernando Gaviria	Isostar - Specialized	5h19'50
9	Daniel Vesely	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
77	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
90	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
99	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
131	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 2'54
133	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
135	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
175	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.

Bayern Rundfahrt
September 17 - 20, HC



The only race we are looking forward to in the final two months, and we are going all in. Bayern Rundfahrt contains not one but two long time trials, completed with a flat and mountain stage. We bring both Cattaneo and Dennis in a bid for the GC, and Kalaba for the one flat stage. Special mention to stagiare Hailemichael finally racing in a non-C2 race, you're in the big boys of HC now.

Cattaneo had the better opening time trial, finishing eighth with Dennis twentieth. The Italian lost ten seconds to biggest rival Dunbar and finished 23 seconds behind stage winner Paillot. The Australian was 54 seconds slower. Stage two saw Kalaba participate in the sprint, even leading for a little bit, but fell away to fifth. So far so good, but we need to strike now.

Striking is exactly what Cattaneo did on the mountain stage, finishing fourth behind the breakaway and taking control over the yellow jersey, leading by thirty seconds over Dunbar. Dennis finished behind the other favorites and dropped down to nineteenth, but we clearly favored the Italian this stage. With Cattaneo's qualities he should not give away this position on the time trial, but he made it very exciting, losing seventeen seconds of his thirty lead at the chrono slightly past the halfway mark. He lost a further ten towards the line, which was enough to win the Bayern Rundfahrt over Dunbar by three seconds! Dennis did better on the final stage with a sixth place, taking sixteenth overall, with Brown 22nd and Lemus Davila 31st adding some extra points. If promotion escapes us now, the cycling gods are heartless bastards.

1	Mattia Cattaneo	Minions - Subwoolfer	10h16'04
16	Rohan Dennis	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 2'35
22	Nathan Brown	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 3'50
31	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'59
56	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'05
67	Mikkel Bjerg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'55
75	Dusan Kalaba	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 8'27
180	Mulu Hailemichael	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 23'35

The September rankings update was released before Tour of the Battenkill had taken place, and is not included in the update. Compared to the previous update, it only adds Paris - Tours and Bayern Rundfahrt, and especially in the latter we did quite well. With one month to go, have we secured a promotion spot?

Pos	Last		Team	Total	RD	PpRD	Proj
1	1		Amaysim Cervelo	3712	136	27.29	4448
2	2		Zara - Irizar	3281	152	21.59	3519
3	3		Minions - Subwoolfer	3257	151	21.57	3516
4	5		Binance	2783	149	18.68	3045
5	6		Cedevita	2769	130	21.3	3472
6	4		Carlsberg - Danske Bank	2768	147	18.83	3069
7	9		HelloFresh - Lampre	2524	143	17.65	2877
8	7		Bralirwa - Stevens	2478	151	16.41	2675
9	8		Lierse SK - Pizza Ullo PCTeam	2447	130	18.82	3068
10	13		Kraftwerk Man Machine	2423	130	18.64	3038
11	12		Indosat Ooredoo	2252	153	14.72	2399
12	10		Red Bull Zalgiris	2244	151	14.86	2422
13	17		Assa Abloy	2118	131	16.17	2636
14	14		Team Popo4Ever	2067	130	15.9	2592
15	11		Sauber Petronas Racing	2037	130	15.67	2554
16	16		Trans Looney Tunes	1970	151	13.05	2127
17	18		Xero Racing	1968	121	16.26	2650
18	15		Voyagin - Bird	1957	149	13.13	2140
19	19		Philips - Force India	1853	130	14.25	2323
20	20		Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	1853	128	14.48	2360
21	21		Volcanica - Fox	1834	149	12.31	2007
22	23		Strava	1610	151	10.66	1738
23	22		Crabbe-CC Chevigny	1470	130	11.31	1844
24	24		Project: Africa	1403	143	9.81	1599

Of course we kept our position, and even closed the gap to Zara - Irizar to 24 points. Sure, Amaysim Cervelo is running away with the title but the battle for second would be truly exciting, if we had any scoring potential in our final races. We've also moved ahead of Cedevita in the PPRD rankings to be third there as well, but they have the Tour of America up their sleeve. The gap is 500 points, which is huge but not yet mathematically impossible to catch. Cautious optimism, but we'll only be popping gas-station champagne after the Giro dell'Emilia.

Pos	Last	Rider	Nat		Team	Total
1	1	Jonas Ahlstrand	SWD		Volcanica - Fox	1066
3	8	Mattia Cattaneo	ITA		Minions - Subwoolfer	846
12	13	Rohan Dennis	AUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	634
22	21	Daniel Vesely	CZE		Minions - Subwoolfer	515
58	51	Dusan Kalaba	SER		Minions - Subwoolfer	305
61	58	Nathan Brown	USA		Minions - Subwoolfer	294
156	144	Alvaro Hodeg	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	94
167	157	Leandro Marcos	CUB		Minions - Subwoolfer	81
171	160	Laurens Sweeck	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	79
173	163	Mathias De Witte	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	78
203	197	Mikkel Bjerg	DEN		Minions - Subwoolfer	57
228	254	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	MEX		Minions - Subwoolfer	46
237	223	Jasper Stuyven	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	43
243	226	Kazushige Kuboki	JPN		Minions - Subwoolfer	41
265	271	Dayer Quintana	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	33
270	253	Evgenii Tikhonin	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	32
295	279	Felix English	IRL		Minions - Subwoolfer	28
314	293	Jerome Coppel	FRA		Minions - Subwoolfer	24
331	308	Laureano Rosas	ARG		Minions - Subwoolfer	21
425	418	Savva Novikov	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	5
477	474	Jan Stöckli	SWI		Minions - Subwoolfer	1

Cattaneo's season is done, and at the moment he is third in the individual rankings. Great performance, perhaps he'll drop a few places but 846 points less would have put us in the midpack. Dennis is also done, barely missing the top ten. Vesely is also done, and has nestled himself in the top thirty. Kalaba and Brown both scored around 300 points, perhaps crucial for promotion. Hodeg has three flat stages in the Tour de Maroc to cross the 100-point mark, while the cobbles trio has the Tour of the Battenkill to decide who becomes the best cobbler of the year, Marcos currently leading by two points over Sweeck and three over De Witte. Further down. Lemus Davila and Quintana could score in Tour of Maroc or the hilly classics Japan Cup and Giro dell'Emilia, as could Stuyven in the latter two. Otherwise, the points look settled.

@Nemolito - Someone has to carry the bottles. At least he contributed a point unlike Merchan



Tour of the Battenkill
September 26, PTHC



Cobblestones in PTHC, yuck. De Witte, Marcos and Sweeck are not on the favorites, dark horses or wild outsiders list, so the only possible way to score big points is the breakaway.

But we don't send anyone in the breakaway. Not that it survived anyway, but the camera time is always welcome. Now we can't have a race picture at the end of the review. Luckily the Minions love the camera, so getting a picture doing something else was not a problem.

The first fifty finishers score points, and De Witte finished forty-ninth and Sweeck finished fiftieth, both scoring two points. Unless they score something in the season-ending hilly races, Marcos and Sweeck end the season with the exact same amount of points, and De Witte trailing by only one!

1	Lukasz Wisniowski	Aker - MOT	5h27'24
49	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'08
50	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'19
56	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'46
111	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 26'24
117	Mikkel Bjerg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 27'37
129	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 33'24
143	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 42'16
163	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h00'32

Ninety-six riders have had the honor of belonging to the best cycling team in history. To honor them, we'll be going through the archives to discuss them all. At the end of each month, a group of riders is selected with something in common. Where were they before they became addicted to bananas? How did they do on the road? Where are they now? This adventure culminates in the introduction of the Minions Hall of Fame, where we honor our legends.

This month's group: new riders. A massive rebuild going into the season saw many riders join the team. Now that the season is almost over we can reflect on their performances. Did they achieve according to expectations, or did they exceed them. Or did they disappoint? Who will get a contract for next season?

Nathan Brown



Nathan Brown is new this season, but he already rode for the team in his and our debut season: 2014. He scored five points, which meant he wasn't close to being the worse, but salary demands and development need saw him leave for the Canadian RBC project. Riding for the team for four seasons, including three at the highest level. After the team folded we tried to bring him back to the team but could not reject an offer to stay in the PT with Generali. Consistently improving performances, the American once again saw his team disband at the end of last year, and this time we struck at the right time. It could have gone wrong as we filed some wrong paperwork, but the lost son returned. He was immediately given leadership in the Hong Kong Challenge, finishing seventeenth. For the remainder of the season he was used as secondary leader to Dennis or Cattaneo, scoring decent points in races with time trials and climbing. The highlights were finishing sixth in the Tour of Norway, seventh in the Arab Tour, and tenth in the Post Danmark Rundt, whilst otherwise finishing in the lower top twenty. All these performances see him well inside the individual top 100 and we have no intention to let him go again. We won't be making the same mistake.



Mattia Cattaneo



It is hard to fill into Uran's footsteps, but we put Mattia Cattaneo up to the task. He has some Grand Tour pedigree with a fifth place and two stage wins in the Giro of 2017, including a stint in pink. Recently the Italian has been hopping teams but finishing high in the PT or PCT. Breaking our transfer fee record to sign him from Zwift, his start was quite rough with disappointing performances in Vuelta a Colombia and Pro Hallstatt Classic, while a sixth place in Austria was decent-ish. The second half of the season is where he came alive and almost single-handedly pushed us to the promotion spots: fourth in PTHC Tour of East Java, second in the PTHC Criterium du Dauphine Libere, and finally the victories in the C1 Tour of Vineyards and HC Bayern Rundfahrt. He almost beat the points total of Uran's 2018 season (920 versus 846), but will likely finish higher in the individual standings as he's third heading into the final month. People were skeptical of his signing, and were almost proven right in the first month, but the Italian quickly turned it around to match, perhaps even exceed Uran's results.



Jerome Coppel



This rider barely needs an introduction. Grand Tour stage winner, World Time Trial Champion and countless other time trial victories, it's Jerome Coppel. We almost had his signature in 2020, with which we surely would have promoted earlier, but a Yorkshire intervention with minutes to spare changed the course of history. Two years later and far past his prime, he is part of a likely promotion squad after all, even though his points contribution has been minimal. However, there were a few moments reminiscent of old glory. No one expected him to finish tenth on a Int. Osterreich Rundfahrt stage, a mountain stage no less! He finished fourteenth overall in the Arab Tour and nineteenth overall in La Tropicale Amissa Bongo, and helped out in TTT stages, one of which helped Cattaneo to a GC win. A farewell ceremony was held in the Chrono des Herbiers, a race he won twice before. On the first day he looked like he was ten years younger, finishing fourth amongst the very best in the time trial discipline. Sadly we were there on a wildcard and couldn't score points, and the second day tanked his rankings, but we are here for the memories, not the end result. Turning 37 next year, it will likely have been his last hurray, but we can say an absolute legend has raced for the team.



Rohan Dennis



Another rider who was left without a contract when Generali quit, we had to get our wallet for Rohan Dennis. He had finished in the ProTour top 100 for the previous three seasons, so high demand saw him get a great deal for him at half a million bananas. A similar rider to Cattaneo, but likes smaller hills more than big climbs, hence both could be perfectly split, with the Australian targeting flat and and hilly stage races with time trials. Like the Italian his debut was disappointing, the climbs in Vuelta al Pais Vasco being too tough. In Tour of Norway everything was forgiven, as he took the win which lifted our spirits and got us where we are now. He finished on the podium in La Tropicale Amissa Bongo and fourth in Post Danmark Rundt, but also had lesser races in Tour of Slovenia and Deutschland Tour, both PTHC. The top step of the podium was his once again in the Tour of Britain, propelling himself to twelfth place individually so far. The Australian has well been worth the paycheck, and we made optimal use of his last prime season.



Felix English



Irishman Felix English was part of a necessary trade for Jordan Cheyne and money to balance our books, taking him away from his home at Glanbia. He had made is debut back in 2014 for Lotto - Australia Post, but was forgotten about until aforementioned Glanbia picked him up. His role in the team was very wide: performing chasing duties, setting up the sprint train and perhaps a late attack. His success cannot really be measured by the points he scored over the year, but rather in the performances of Vesely. As the Czech significantly improved compared to last season, we can at least credit some of that to English. 28 points is a nice bonus from finishing positions after leadouts, a fifteenth place overall in Tour of Guadeloupe as best position. For someone we never had the intention of bringing into the team in the first place, it could have been a lot worse.



Kazushige Kuboki



There is hardly any information for Kazushige Kuboki before 2015. Some say he was trained in a top secret Japanese school for cyclists, others say he is a robot created by one of the big Japanese tech companies. Either way, he took the Continental Tour by storm in 2015, riding for Actavis. After that he signed for the Japanese Meiji team, later sponsored by Rakuten, and spend last season at Carrefour. He never quite had the same spark as that 2015 season but became a solid rider. Becoming a free agent we picked him up for a low wage to help in the sprint train and team time trials, the rare combination he scored so much in. His only solo leadership opportunity this season came in C2's Tour du Faso, finishing sixth in the peloton on the only sprint stage there. The improved sprint train for Vesely is also down to his experience and overall awesomeness. 41 points this season is not bad.



Luis Enrique Lemus Davila



Luis Enrique is his first name, Lemus Davila is his last, LELD for the acronym lovers. This Mexican was brought in to help Cattaneo in the mountains, after he was out of a contract after a stint with Mapei in the ProTour, and we saw a good lieutenant to Cattaneo in him. Aside from that he got leadership in Tour de Chile and the upcoming Tour du Maroc. He finished 53rd and out of the points in the former, so we are hoping for a better performance in the latter. He did manage to finish sixth in a stage of the Criterium du Dauphine Libere, onn a hilly time trial. It's a shame the cameras didn't follow him that day, though it might have uncovered the huge shortcut he took. 43 points doesn't sound like much but it's usually some quiet points by finishing 30th in the GC while helping the leader get into the top ten or even win, which is what everything is about at the end of the day. Luis Enrique Lemus Davila has a task and does it well, nothing more, nothing less.



Dayer Quintana



We were hoping to put Nairo Quintana here, but it is his brother Dayer Quintana. Nairo is the better known name, but Dayer did win the Qatar Oil Mountain Classic in our backyard in 2017. We made no secret we preferred Nairo, who has scored 238 points so far over at Volcania, Dayer only 33. To be fair, Dayer is only riding in a supporting role and has no leadership roles, so any points he brings in are for lower GC placements or being part of a team time trial squad. However, there is one thing you shouldn't expect a Colombian climber to do, and that is to finish tenth in a flat classic. But that is exactly what he did in the Frankfurt Eschborn. Granted, there are quite a few climbs in that race but far from the finish line. Nevertheless, the peloton got reduced so much he was suddenly one of the fresher riders, and thus got into tenth place, and he wasn't even our best finisher that race. As for the obvious comparisons with his brother, we'd obviously rather have Nairo, but we aren't unsatisfied with Dayer, and he's a lot cheaper.



Jasper Stuyven



We hate puncheurs. Everyone of them seems to fail within the team, so we gave up on signing a leader in that department. However, we are forced to ride some hilly races, so we want to bring in someone who might score a tiny bit there. Hence we signed Jasper Stuyven, legend of the Lierse team but since then went through four teams in four years, making us the fifth. Did he do what he was brought for, scoring in hilly races? Short answer: no. Reporters didn't take him serious enough to include him in the favorites list or mention he was dropped, and struggled to make the top 100. He did do something by going in breakaways, but the cobbled Gent - Wevelgem or Le Samyn, or the climbs of Pro Hallstatt Classic were hardly success stories. He finished ninth on the hilly stage of the Post Danmark Rundt, and collected some mountain points, so that's a somewhat positive. We were ready to call our team cursed for puncheurs, but then along came the Frankfurt Eschborn. Granted, not a hilly race, but containing quite some climbs. Jasper was in the front group heading to the finish line, a surprise in itself, but he had energy to sprint. And sprinting he did, finishing an amazing fifth. Is it enough to save his job? Probably not.



Daniel Vesely



The last rider isn't new, but needed to be rejuvenated after a disappointing 2021. When he joined the team in 2020 we finally fixed our sprinters problem, and he finally got a chance at winning which he didn't really get in the ProTour in the years prior. The Czech actually sprinted to consistent results and even some great performances, including a GC win in the Barbados Cycling Festival and a stage win in the Baltic Chain Tour. Expectations were high for 2021 but the performances, while still consistent, did not include any standouts. A stage win in the Tour of Southland and second place in the Torshavn GP were the highlights, but in GCs he generally finished outside the top ten. We considered selling him at the end of the season but we kept the faith, giving him a third season. It is closer to the first one but lacking the big GC win, but compared to the year before he is more active in terms of GC finishes, He finished second in the PTHC Philadelphia International Championship, and won a stage in Deutschland Tour, currently occupying the 22nd place in the standings which is set to become his highest finishing position ever. Enough faith for a fourth season.

Japan Cup
October 3, PTHC



The land of the rising sun and Kuboki, we come to Japan with zero expectations. Stuyven is not a favorite in any stretch of the imagination, and the other riders were persuaded with a Nintendo Switch to come here.

We even promised them a bonus of a free version of the Just Dance Eurovision Edition for whomever made it to the breakaway. Congratulations to Leandro Marcos, you can learn the amazing moves to Give That Wolf a Banana.

The Cuban also became our highest finisher in 96th, two places ahead of Tikhonin. No points obviously.

1	Emanuel Buchmann	Team UBS	5h53'31
96	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'05
98	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
142	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 10'11
144	Kazushige Kuboki	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
148	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 10'48
153	Mikkel Bjerg	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
162	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	s.t.
172	Laurens Sweeck	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 13'10

Tour du Maroc
October 1 - 6, HC



We've been to Morocco before, but it's never been a race with big expectations. This year we do not bring a GC ace as no time trials means no Cattaneo, so instead we give co-leadership to Lemus Davila and Quintana, hoping they can do something. We do have faith in Hodeg for the three sprinter stages.

The Colombian was badly positioned on the first stage but still finished fifth. The third stage saw even worse positioning and a fifteenth place. On the final stage, he did have good positioning but couldn't finish it off, finishing sixth.

Lemus Davila was the better of the co-leaders, finishing in the top thirty on both mountain stages. The Mexican took an anonymous 28th overall, scoring a grand total of ten points. Quintana failed to make the top fifty for some extra points. However, we were disappointed with the lack of breakaway appearances during the race. Just because we have little chance doesn't mean we have no chance.

1	Romain Sicard	Strava	25h35'51
28	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 8'58
91	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 23'15
126	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 44'13
132	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 48'00
145	Felix English	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 58'54
159	Jerome Coppel	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h08'51
162	Laureano Rosas	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h09'09
174	Alvaro Hodeg	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 1h27'44

A ranking update has been posted ahead of the final race, Giro dell'Emilia. With only one race to go there seems to be little change possible, but we are very unlikely to score anything and thus are vulnerable to those behind us.

Pos	Last		Team	Total	RD	PpRD	Proj
1	1		Amaysim Cervelo	3940	161	24.47	3989
2	2		Zara - Irizar	3390	163	20.8	3390
3	3		Minions - Subwoolfer	3278	161	20.36	3319
4	5		Cedevita	3149	161	19.56	3188
5	6		Carlsberg - Danske Bank	3142	161	19.52	3182
6	4		Binance	3054	163	18.74	3055
7	10		Kraftwerk Man Machine	2964	161	18.41	3001
8	7		HelloFresh - Lampre	2761	161	17.15	2795
9	9		Lierse SK - Pizza Ullo PCTeam	2663	161	16.54	2696
10	8		Bralirwa - Stevens	2650	161	16.46	2683
11	13		Assa Abloy	2648	162	16.35	2665
12	17		Xero Racing	2605	160	16.28	2654
13	19		Philips - Force India	2604	161	16.17	2636
14	14		Team Popo4Ever	2479	161	15.4	2510
15	15		Sauber Petronas Racing	2357	161	14.64	2386
16	12		Red Bull Zalgiris	2353	159	14.8	2412
17	11		Indosat Ooredoo	2338	163	14.34	2337
18	16		Trans Looney Tunes	2245	161	13.94	2272
19	18		Voyagin - Bird	2187	163	13.42	2187
20	20		Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	2091	161	12.99	2117
21	22		Strava	2031	161	12.61	2055
22	21		Volcanica - Fox	1973	163	12.1	1972
23	23		Crabbe-CC Chevigny	1780	161	11.06	1803
24	24		Project: Africa	1575	161	9.78	1594

Despite being the lowest scorer of the period with a measly twenty-one points we are still third, though Amaysim Cervelo and Zara - Irizar are now out of reach. We should be mindful about Cedevita and Carlsberg, who have a much higher scoring potential in Emilia and could drop us to fifth, which would still be an automatic promotion spot but with less glory. Binance in sixth is done for the year so we finish ahead of them, and Kraftwerk needs to sweep the top positions to go ahead of us so we might be safe already, but as we know anything can happen in cycling. Merchan winning the race for example.

Pos	Last	Rider	Nat		Team	Total
1	1	Jonas Ahlstrand	SWD		Volcanica - Fox	1066
4	3	Mattia Cattaneo	ITA		Minions - Subwoolfer	846
14	12	Rohan Dennis	AUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	634
29	22	Daniel Vesely	CZE		Minions - Subwoolfer	515
71	58	Dusan Kalaba	SER		Minions - Subwoolfer	305
75	61	Nathan Brown	USA		Minions - Subwoolfer	294
159	156	Alvaro Hodeg	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	101
186	167	Leandro Marcos	CUB		Minions - Subwoolfer	81
187	171	Laurens Sweeck	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	81
189	173	Mathias De Witte	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	80
223	203	Mikkel Bjerg	DEN		Minions - Subwoolfer	57
228	228	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	MEX		Minions - Subwoolfer	56
258	237	Jasper Stuyven	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	43
262	243	Kazushige Kuboki	JPN		Minions - Subwoolfer	41
285	265	Dayer Quintana	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	33
289	270	Evgenii Tikhonin	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	32
312	295	Felix English	IRL		Minions - Subwoolfer	28
330	314	Jerome Coppel	FRA		Minions - Subwoolfer	24
345	331	Laureano Rosas	ARG		Minions - Subwoolfer	21
437	425	Savva Novikov	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	5
482	477	Jan Stöckli	SWI		Minions - Subwoolfer	1

With so few points scored the last week, the relative rankings have not changed at all, but everyone except Lemus Davila lost positions in the individual rankings. Cattaneo is now fourth, Dennis fourteenth and Vesely barely inside the top thirty in twenty-ninth. Hodeg did reach the 100-points mark with his sprints in Maroc, while Sweeck tied Marcos as best cobbler, one points ahead of De Witte. Merchan is still pointless so he has to finish in the top thirty of Emilia to enter the list.

Giro dell'Emilia
October 18, HC



Our final race of 2023, and the final race of the season for everyone else. With special focus on the final rankings, Stuyven might actually get some media attention, but we are not going to score as much as our direct rivals Cedevita and Carlsberg in any case.

De Witte and Novikov went into the breakaway, which was dead on arrival. It did bring Novikov the highest finishing position of 58th. Stuyven actually got attention, but in a bad way as he got dropped early on like in many races, and was the lowest finisher amongst our riders.

With no points for us we had to hope Cedevita and Carlsberg wouldn't score big. We decided not to throw bananas in front of Beltran, Aranburu or Jensen in a rare display of sportmanship from us. It wasn't needed in the end, as Benoot beat Beltran to the line and the Carlsberg lads finished fourth and seventh. By our terrible math, it means we kept third place.

1	Tiesj Benoot	Philips - Force India	4h41'57
58	Savva Novikov	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 4'51
64	Dayer Quintana	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 5'53
84	Mathias De Witte	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 6'37
101	Didier Merchan	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 7'56
125	Evgenii Tikhonin	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 10'09
129	Jan Stöckli	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 11'17
137	Leandro Marcos	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 11'58
138	Jasper Stuyven	Minions - Subwoolfer	+ 12'12

The final race has been raced. The numbers have been crunched. Where oh where have we ended up?

Pos	Last		Team	Total	RD	PpRD	Proj
1	1		Amaysim Cervelo	3955	163	24.26	3954
2	2		Zara - Irizar	3390	163	20.8	3390
3	3		Minions - Subwoolfer	3278	163	20.11	3278
4	4		Cedevita	3261	163	20.01	3262
5	5		Carlsberg - Danske Bank	3257	163	19.98	3257
6	6		Binance	3054	163	18.74	3055
7	7		Kraftwerk Man Machine	2975	163	18.25	2975
8	13		Philips - Force India	2766	163	16.97	2766
9	8		HelloFresh - Lampre	2761	163	16.94	2761
10	9		Lierse SK - Pizza Ullo PCTeam	2716	163	16.66	2716
11	10		Bralirwa - Stevens	2650	163	16.26	2650
12	11		Assa Abloy	2648	162	16.35	2665
13	12		Xero Racing	2648	162	16.35	2665
14	14		Team Popo4Ever	2479	163	15.21	2479
15	16		Red Bull Zalgiris	2371	163	14.55	2372
16	15		Sauber Petronas Racing	2362	163	14.49	2362
17	18		Trans Looney Tunes	2340	163	14.36	2341
18	17		Indosat Ooredoo	2338	163	14.34	2337
19	19		Voyagin - Bird	2187	163	13.42	2187
20	20		Gjensidige Pro Cycling Team	2091	163	12.83	2091
21	21		Strava	2031	163	12.46	2031
22	22		Volcanica - Fox	1973	163	12.1	1972
23	23		Crabbe-CC Chevigny	1812	163	11.12	1813
24	24		Project: Africa	1641	163	10.07	1641

THIRD PLACE! PODIUM! PROMOTION! AAAAAHHHHH! I don't know what to say honestly. Best just to enjoy the moment.

Pos	Last	Rider	Nat		Team	Total
1	1	Jonas Ahlstrand	SWD		Volcanica - Fox	1066
4	4	Mattia Cattaneo	ITA		Minions - Subwoolfer	846
14	14	Rohan Dennis	AUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	634
29	29	Daniel Vesely	CZE		Minions - Subwoolfer	515
72	71	Dusan Kalaba	SER		Minions - Subwoolfer	305
76	75	Nathan Brown	USA		Minions - Subwoolfer	294
160	159	Alvaro Hodeg	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	101
187	186	Leandro Marcos	CUB		Minions - Subwoolfer	81
188	187	Laurens Sweeck	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	81
190	189	Mathias De Witte	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	80
225	223	Mikkel Bjerg	DEN		Minions - Subwoolfer	57
231	228	Luis Enrique Lemus Davila	MEX		Minions - Subwoolfer	56
261	258	Jasper Stuyven	BEL		Minions - Subwoolfer	43
265	262	Kazushige Kuboki	JPN		Minions - Subwoolfer	41
287	285	Dayer Quintana	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	33
291	289	Evgenii Tikhonin	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	32
313	312	Felix English	IRL		Minions - Subwoolfer	28
331	330	Jerome Coppel	FRA		Minions - Subwoolfer	24
345	345	Laureano Rosas	ARG		Minions - Subwoolfer	21
437	437	Savva Novikov	RUS		Minions - Subwoolfer	5
482	482	Jan Stöckli	SWI		Minions - Subwoolfer	1
		Mulu Hailemichael	ETH		Minions - Subwoolfer	0
		Didier Merchan	COL		Minions - Subwoolfer	0

We've added Hailemichael and Merchan to the table so they dosn't feel lonely, but this entire team deserves multiple rounds of applause. We'll get into individual achievements at a later date, for now we'll get drunk, sing karaoke, swim naked in the ocean until we wake up in the middle of nowhere.