Hello and welcome to jandal's (my) jandally (Made up word I did to describe something of my style, e.g. weird and inaccurate) guide (haha more like IQ lowererer) to (not two or too) Le Tour (log out and rethink your life if this needs explaining). Bad French and bad analysis will surely unintentionally follow. Read on, if you dare...




Étape Un | Mont-Saint-Michel - Utah Beach | 188km | Flat | Deux Cat. 4 et le un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


We start at the beautiful Mont-Saint Michel, and that'd most of your entertainment for the most of the stage. Two cat 4 climbs will give us our first KoM holder, and at a wild guess it'll be Daniel Teklehaimanot to repeat his antics of last year but this time on stage one. A pan-flat intermediate sprint will show us who's feeling slightly saucy and who wants them early green points, before the final km:


Has a wee descent that does absolutely nothing before giving us our first maillot jaune of this year's Tour. Rumour has it Froome won't be wearing it for stage one as he's not a cuck. Should be an open stage, like much of this year's flat stages, with no far and away best sprinters. Utah Beach should provide Paul Sherwen with good history lesson material, and the wind with a chance to wreak havoc if it so desires. Tough call, but I'll go with two 5 stars and a bunch of 3 and 4 stars.

***** Kittel, Greipel
**** Cavendish, Bouhanni, Sagan, Kristoff, Degenkolb
*** Coquard, Mathews, A crazy leadout
** Bennett, Boasson Hagen, Groenewegen
* Cimolai, Impey, etc., The break


Étape Deux | Saint-Lô - Cherbourg-en-Cotentin | 183km | Bumpy | Trois Cat 4 et un Cat 3, et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


We journey west from our depart in Saint-Lô, towards the coast where winds could maybe play a part. By the time we've reached the coast we'll have taken in 3 Cat 4 climbs, and maybe met a new King of the Mountains. We continue along the lumpy coastline until we reach the first ever ascent of the Côte de La Glacerie.


A "summit" finish up this short, sharp climb, a first week hilly stage now an evident favorite of the organisers after entertainment in Sheffield in 2014 and Huy in 2015. We probably look to the same men as in Huy for the win here, with the GC riders on guard and the plethora of punchier riders comping at the bit. Steep, then a bit of respite halfway up before the incline rises again for the final drag to the line. Purito to do the double? Vuillermoz for the home crowd again? Martin with a better showing. GC man asserts dominance (and grabs perhaps problematic yellow jersey)? I can't wait to find out.

***** D. Martin, Valverde, Alaphilippe
**** Rodriguez, Quintana, Froome, Nibali, Aru, Bardet, Vuillermoz, Contador, Porte
*** Late Unexpected Attacker, Mathews, Poels, Henao, Moreno, Pinot
** Gallopin, Boasson Hagen, Yates, van Avermaet, Sagan, Pantano
* The break, every guy who can climb I didn't just tick off


Étape Trois | Granville - Angers | 224km | Flat | Un Cat 4 et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


Long (!), and deceivingly the same but different to stage one. Still some lumps but nothing anyone can't handle, one Cat 4. climb, before a slight uphill drag to the finish. Previous winners in sprints in Angers include Belgian legends Boonen and Maertens, and once in a prologue the most legendary of them all, Eddy Merckx.


Slight drag which could bring Sagan and Degenkolb to 5 stars, but I haven't seen it in real life so I can't say for sure how much difference we'll find. Distance could be an issue. We'll likely have a new yellow jersey unless Sagan goes godmode first stages, so expect no holds barred sprinting.
***** Kittel, Greipel, Degenkolb, Sagan
**** Cavendish, Bouhanni, Mathews, Kristoff
*** Coquard, A crazy leadout, Boasson Hagen
** Bennett, Groenewegen
* Other sprinters, The break


Étape Quatre | Saumur - Limoges | 238km | Flat | Un Cat 4 et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


The longest stage of Le Tour means fatigue could be an issue for our fast men in the third likely sprint finish, as we head further inland. Another Climb so nothing pancake yet. Limoges has been visited quite a lot by Le Tour but Paris-Nice 2010 is the most recent major visit there. The winner that day? William Bonnet but the runner-up that day? a certain young Tourminator and *grits teeth* PCM.daily's favorite cyclist.


It's a straight slightly uphill finish, and so expect a similar order to stage 3, with guys like Coquard (Amstel) now proving they can go the distance it should be another interesting finish.
***** Kittel, Greipel, Degenkolb, Sagan
**** Cavendish, Bouhanni, Mathews, Kristoff
*** Coquard, A crazy leadout, Boasson Hagen
** Bennett, Groenewegen
* Other sprinters, The break


Étape Cinq | Limoges - Le Lioran | 216km | Hilly | Un Cat 4, trois Cat 3, deux Cat 2 et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


A hilly stage to test the legs of anyone feeling fast up and down hills, the GC guys, and the punchers desperate for a win after missing out on stage 3. Six categorised climbs including our first Cat 2 climbs, the Pas de Peyrol and the Col du Perthu. Anything could really happen here.


With these last 36km holding three categorised climbs including both the Cat 2 climbs and one cat three climbs. We also have an ascent to the finish in Le Lioran. A break could survive here like in the Voges 2014, or like a second week stage, or we could see teams of a puncheur control the race, or even a first big GC fight. Perhaps another famous Contador hilly assault? It's a long day again so the peloton may call it a truce for the most part, think Kadri 2014 stage.


God, these pics everywhere. Glad I spoilered it, right? Wrong. You love these sexy finishes and this one could see some downhill prowess being shown before the uphill finish. There are so many ways this one could play out, so stay tuned to this stage for sure for action, thrills and a possible change of the maillot jaune...

*****
**** D. Martin, Alaphilippe, Contador, Valverde, The break, Nibali
*** Bardet, Froome, Porte, Pinot, Aru, Costa, Yates, Barguil
** Quintana, Rodriguez, Everyone else who can climb
* Everyone else


Étape Six | Arpajon-sur-Cère - Montauban | 191km | Bumpy | Un Cat 4 et deux Cat 3, et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


Looks like another potential breakaway day with plenty of lumps, bumps, but hopefully no mumps, to go around. But the teams of the Degenkolbs, the Sagans, and any sprinter who fancies he might not die trying (no Kittel) to ascend the lumps and bumps could prevent that. I see it as a bit of a toss-up between the two as we head into the flat finish of Montauban


Finish is flat, so if a sprinter isn't exhausted he's a favorite from the bunch, the only question is whether said bunch will be the front group.

***** Degenkolb, Sagan, Kristoff, The break
**** Cavendish, Bouhanni, Mathews, Greipel
*** Coquard, A crazy leadout, Boasson Hagen, Groenewegen
** Kittel
* Other sprinters


Étape Sept | L'Isle-Jourdain | Lac de Payolle | 163km | Mountainous | Un Cat 4 et un Cat 1, et un sprint intermédiaire (duh)


Some Pyrenean action in the first week, what a treat! Yes it's certainly not as common recently for one of the first 7 days to have a Cat 1 climb in it but we ascend the Col D'Aspin, usually used as a tool in a stage involving Pau, Bagneres or both but Aspin takes the spotlight as the centrepiece of this first Mountain test. It was included last year in the stage won by Rafal Majka, with second on the day Dan Martin leading over the climb.


It's a finish much like stage 11 last year, with a centrepiece climb, there Tourmalet, here Aspin, with a decent then a small climb to the finish. However here the stunning scenery on the descent is matched only by it's technicality and could be a deciding factor if, I don't know, a shark is feeling hungry? Descent should suit Nibali, Contador and Bardet if it's a GC battle at the front, with Pinot and Quintana in not much, but perhaps a bit, of risk of splits on the descent.

***** Nibali, Contador, Bardet, the break
**** Quintana, Froome, Porte, Aru, Valverde
*** Pinot, Landa, Meintjes, Yates, van Garderen, Barguil
** Rodriguez, Alaphilippe, Polanc, Poels, Another climber
*